The Domestic Dance of Time Management

My husband and I operate very differently. I am the task master - forever planning, scheduling, and trying to squeeze the most out of any free moment. He is the procrastinator - industrious yet forgetful, and seemingly always putting things off. Yet despite my satisfaction in checking things off my list, I'm the one who is stressed, while he is calm. This is what my friend calls the domestic dance of time management. And funny enough, it seems that most couples share in this yin/yang relationship where opposites somehow attract.

Well, I may just have figured out the simple truth of this relationship conundrum. It boils down to our sense of urgency for getting things done. I live my life with a high sense of urgency, always thinking “What can I get done today?” My husband on the other hand, operates with a low sense of urgency, and carries the mindset of “What must I get done today?” A subtle yet profound difference – Can vs Must - which affects our levels of stress, and our ability to relate to one another.

Realizing this simple difference has liberated me. I now have the context for creating change without feeling guilty or pressured. I can choose to give myself a “must” day and take it easy. Or I can simply realize that what I can get done, and must get done, are not the same. Similarly, I better understand my husband’s relationship with time. So if I’m feeling overwhelmed, I now know to define what “must” get done so that he feels ready to help me without nagging or reminders. With this knowledge we may finally have bridged our time management differences.

While the battle of the sexes will wage on, I hope sharing my new awareness will help you to take one step further in creating peace in your world too.

Best of Luck,
Candice

A Lesson about Anger Management

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father was very concerned for his son’s future and thought hard about how he could explain to his son why relationships are so important and controlling his temper is a key factor in this.

After much thought his father gave him a bag full of nails and told him, “Every time you lose your temper, hammer a nail into the back of the fence.” His son did not understand but knew that his father was wise so he agreed.

On the first day that the boy received his bag of nails he ended up driving about 37 nails into the fence. Each day he learned little by little to control his temper. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.

He was very proud of himself and went to share his good news with his father. His Father was very proud of him and offered a challenge to his son. “Why don’t you pull out a nail everyday that you are able to hold your temper?”

As there were many nails in the fence it took the boy sometime to finally remove the nails from the fence. But eventually that joyous day arrived. He was so pleased with himself and he wanted to share this with his father.

His father was so proud of his son, but he wanted him to understand that holding his temper was more than just being able to add or remove nails from a fence. He took his son’s hand and showed him all the holes that were left from the nails. “As you see my son, this fence will never be the same, the fence is scarred with holes from your temper. Think of these holes as the words you have spoken in anger, the wounds you have left in people’s lives. Words really are like weapons they leave a wound, that does not heal easily. Son, your family and friends will make you smile and encourage you to succeed, they will lend an ear, share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us. Always remember the fence before you speak words of anger.”

When is it Time to Intervene?

Conflict at work has left you wondering...
• Can the parties work it out themselves?
• Can you as HR, their boss, or co-worker assist them?
• Is outside intervention your best option?

Some conflict is normal. And people who work together will periodically experience frustration and tension with their co-workers, colleagues, and partners. But when things escalate, or simply persist – never reaching a point of resolution, it’s time to take action.

So the question becomes:
• How do you know when the problems between two individuals (or a team) have gone too far?
• How can you assess if it’s time to intervene or bring in outside help?
• What should you do if only one person deems the issue to be a problem?

To best answer those queries, you need to go to the source. We’ve developed three straightforward questions for the involved

parties to answer with respect to their feelings about the person(s) with whom they are experiencing conflict or tension. We recommend these questions be asked confidentially. The responses you receive will paint a clear picture of the depth of the
problem, and the most likely path to take for creating solutions.

1. How do you feel about working with this individual(s)?
a. Good. We get along fine
b. Manageable. It could be better, but things are stable
c. Bad. Things need to improve soon
d. Miserable. I do not like working with this individual

2. What is your trust level with this individual(s)?
a. High. I trust this individual and can rely on him/her/them
b. Moderate. I trust this person(s) about the same as I trust most others
c. Low. I do not trust this person and often feel the need to watch him/her
d. Extremely low. I cannot trust or rely on this person

3. How confident are you that you can resolve the issue on your own?
a. I am certain I can resolve this issue favorably – and plan to do so.
b. I believe I can resolve this issue favorably, but am not sure yet
c. I have given up trying to resolve this issue
d. This issue cannot be resolved

The following two questions are directed toward the “helper” in this situation. This may be a member of Human Resources, a Manager, an Executive, or an Owner.

4. How confident are you that you can bring trust back to the desired levels?
a. Very confident – I know I can do it
b. Somewhat confident – I see the possibility
c. Not very confident – So far nothing has worked
d. Not at all confident – Nothing has worked, and probably nothing will

5. How confident are you that things will get better without further intervention?
a. Very confident
b. Somewhat confident
c. Not very confident
d. Not at all confident

With regard to all five questions, any answer of “C” or “D” is an indication of a problem. The more answers in that range – the greater the degree of concern.

Responses to the first two questions are designed to tell you about the breadth of the problem. Question 3 will indicate the ability and willingness of the involved parties to work it out on their own. Don’t be misled by inconsistency between respondents. Even if only one person responds with C’s or D’s, the answers you receive are significant. A one-sided complaint typically identifies that one side is being more honest, is experiencing more pain from the conflict, or is simply more eager to see the interaction improve.

Finally, to determine what level of intervention is appropriate, examine the responses to questions 4 and 5. Here, answers in the C or D range will indicate the need for outside assistance. But don’t despair. When issues are close to us, we often lack the perspective, insight, and objectivity to resolve them ourselves. Investing in an outside consultant can yield phenomenal results and bring about much desired improvement and change.

We have been successful in helping individuals and teams to improve their working relationships and bring things to a level of respect, civility, and at times, even harmony. Please contact us to see if we can help.

Have Tough Information to Share? Think About Telling a Good Joke

The secret to telling a good joke is in the delivery and the timing. The same can be said for many of the most challenging things we need to communicate. Whether it’s giving feedback, describing a

problem behavior, or telling someone they’ve hurt you, all of these uncomfortable conversations walk the fine line between offering helpful advice, and giving hurtful criticism. The easiest way to control how your message is received is to plan the right delivery.

Begin by setting the stage
Before a comedian begins his routine, he makes sure you’re seated, ready to listen, and hopefully in a good mood (thank you warm-up act). Staging is needed for difficult conversations as well. Rather than ambush the message recipient, make an appointment with him/her to talk, and give the gist of what you want to talk about. You might say, “Bob, I’d like to talk to you about that project that’s behind schedule, when do you have time this week to meet?” This allows the other person to be in the right mental state when you do sit down to meet, and keeps them (or you) from being caught off guard by an impromptu discussion.

Have the right intentions
A comedian wants you to laugh and have a good time – but that doesn’t keep him from saying things that may cross the line. When delivering difficult information, make sure your intentions are pure and are kind. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Believe s/he didn’t intend a problem, or know what they did was hurtful. Have the mindset that your purpose is to build their awareness or help them to change.

Tell the story
A comedian doesn’t start with the punch-line, he builds up to it. By telling a story, he helps you to see things from his perspective, and therefore creates a stronger impact. The same is true when giving difficult information or feedback. Don’t drop it like a bomb and expect a favorable response. Similarly, don’t expect the other person to talk first. Do you laugh before you hear the joke? You are bringing the problem forward, so it is your responsibility to explain it to the other person. Tell the story. Explain the problem with your observations and from your point of view. Help the other person come alongside you and recognize why you are bringing this to their attention.

Wait for the response
Have you ever noticed how a comedian pauses to give the audience a chance to laugh? In giving difficult news, you should expect a response from the listener. Welcome it. Ask for it. Pause for it. Until the other person responds, you won’t know if the message was understood or accepted.

Delivering difficult information is never funny - however it can be productive, even positive, if you handle it like a pro.

Five Indicators of Great Teams

Have you read Patrick Lencioni’s best-seller The Five Dysfunctions of a Team? I find it to be a terrific guide for creating great leadership, teamwork, and group cohesion, but I also imagine where the most doubts are raised. Below are some of the more controversial behaviors that Lencioni encourages – along with my brief explanation about its purpose, value and importance.

1. Team members are passionate and unguarded in their discussion of issues.
We think we want and encourage this, but how often do your meetings instead involve polite exchanges, quiet attention, and cautious questioning? A truly provocative and open discussion makes it possible to learn about problems, ask for details, offer ideas, and present challenges. All of which ultimately improve decision making and problem resolution. If your meetings are ruled by polite behavior, chances are your team is not fully engaged.

2. Morale is significantly affected by the failure to achieve team goals.
High-morale is the workplace equivalent of high self –esteem. In neither arena can the sense of worth be given. Morale must be achieved. While we want our teams to experience high morale – lowered morale due to problems or failures is not only normal, but healthy. It pushes teams to work harder to create a successful outcome. Morale is affected by our sense of purpose and remains high when we feel we are on the right path and making progress.

3. Team members are deeply concerned about the prospect of letting down their peers.
Consider this as a healthy form of peer pressure. When staff feels compelled to prove themselves to their team, they work harder to achieve. This sense of connectivity and interpersonal responsibility also lends itself to a shared appreciation for the efforts and attention each person puts into the project, ultimately creating a stronger and more cohesive team.

4. Team members know about one another’s personal lives and are comfortable discussing them.
First, a disclaimer for those concerned about HIPAA and other legislative mandates: The openness this refers to is not artificial or required, but occurs naturally and is an indication of trust and respect.
The healthiest of teams are aware of each others’ strengths and weaknesses – both within and beyond the office setting. They share important details about an ailing parent, a health condition, or even a pending adoption. Through sharing they create an otherwise unattainable level of understanding, allowing them to graciously pitch in or ask for help when a personal challenge interferes with their professional efforts.

5. Team members challenge one another about their plans and approaches.
While many teams have members who operate with “Mind your own business” independence, truly successful teams have members who welcome the broader attention of the group. Such teams are apt to consider divergent points of view, and to expect discussion before decision making. The result is clear - Mistakes are often avoided, good plans become better, and all participants become active stakeholders in the decision making process.

Creating healthy teams takes time. Developing trust and a willingness to engage in constructive conflict and communication are important steps along that path.

Teamwork - the Holy Grail?

Is finding the right combination of people a bit like searching for the Holy Grail when attempting to create strong and productive teams? Does there always seem to be one misfit or a pair of individuals who just can't get along?

Whether it's a team of two, or a group of twenty, establishing cohesiveness among team members is a vital, yet elusive, component for success. Teams cannot be forced or artificially created.

So what's the answer? Rather than attempting to create perfection from the outset, or directing people to "work as a team" when clearly they cannot, instead develop naturally positive and constructive teams by removing the hurdles that preclude their success.

Essential Attributes for Team Success:

Fairness - This is achieved when all the participants of a team perceive that the task is being handled fairly, and that their required contributions are reasonable and appropriate. On a team, fairness yields cooperation.

Responsibility - Each member of the team takes charge of his own role in the project. Staff knows what they are responsible to do, and make the necessary choices and decisions to be sure that their part of the project is aptly carried out. You'll know this is missing when staff pass the buck or make decisions that damage or undermine other elements of the project (or the company).

Reliability - Here every member of the team recognizes that s/he can depend on the rest of the group. Personal accountability is increased as each makes sure her part of the project is done correctly and completely so as not to let other members of the team down.

Honesty - Mistakes happen and things go awry, but knowing that others will be honest at all times makes the challenge of dealing with these unknowns less daunting. When others are up front, team members have the freedom to focus on their task at hand, rather than fear what they don't know. A fearless team can accomplish great things.

While these four components are necessary for authentic teamwork to emerge, a fifth element deserves mention, and that is TRUST. As in any relationship, trust is attained over time. When staff has experienced the other four attributes being religiously followed, trust will naturally take form.

While excellent teams will evolve as FAIRNESS, RESPONSIBILITY, RELIABILITY AND HONESTY are exhibited; it is TRUST that catapults teams into an unbreakable cycle of success.

The first step to unleashing the true potential of your team? Find out what's holding them back.

Top 5 Challenges Impacting Teamwork

A healthy and positive working team is at the heart of most successful projects. Creating such a team begins with the individual well versed in the art of building relationships, and who understands the value of each team member.

But winning teams also face challenges. Being aware of the most common issues hindering teamwork and damaging positive working relations is a vital component of effective team management.

To get you started, we have identified the Top 5 Challenges Impacting Teamwork and putting a business at risk:

1. Changes in Staff (down-sizing) - When layoffs or turnover lead to the down-sizing of staff the impact is felt by all those who would otherwise "team" with those lost individuals. Staff not only experience a heavier workload, but may be asked to take on more responsibilities. They will have to re-establish their way of getting the job done, while suffering the loss of any friendships they've built.
Creating a sense of teamwork is an essential step to rebuilding the strength of the team.

2. Changes in Staff (hiring) - Not unlike down-sizing, adding to the team frequently causes employees to experience diminished teamwork. Adjusting to new personalities is only the start. Changes in responsibility if tasks are re-assigned and the inevitable concerns of being replaced may lead to lower levels of cooperation and create challenges for maintaining business functionality. As new lines are drawn, staff must adapt to the changes in their team.

3. New Project - A new project requires that the right group of people, with the right body of knowledge and the right amount of direction are working in harmony together. With such tenuous factors at play, how well the team functions is both a measurement of their individual strengths and their interpersonal compatibility. If flaws in their relationships emerge, teamwork issues will undermine the success of the project.

4. New Business Partnership/Alliance - Much like a new project, establishing an alliance or partnership necessitates the forming of a new team, but with the added challenge of assembling participants together who have independent goals or purposes. Creating a healthy level of cooperation and collaboration requires that participants establish deep levels of trust prior to beginning their joint venture.

5. Team Alignment - The most common struggle with teamwork comes not from change or upheaval, but from the routine problems that have yet to be addressed or which have proved difficult to resolve. Issues with team alignment can be recognized by the ineffective staff meetings, the department with a divided staff, and by the team members who point fingers of blame when a deadline is missed or a project goes awry. A cohesive and united team is distinguished by their natural level of cooperation, collegial attitude towards other members of their team, and by their ability to reach goals and meet deadlines.

As with any relationship, maintaining a healthy team is an on-going activity.

When working with teams, you don't get to check a box and say you're done or walk away once you've re-established a level of stability. You can however enjoy the benefits of your effort. By addressing teamwork issues you will notice staff become happier and more cooperative; turnover and complaints become minimized; and productivity and growth, which had been hampered by these issues, can finally be maximized.