Back to School and the Play Date

While it’s wonderful when your child goes back to school and makes new friends, sometimes there is a negative side in it for you.

What if your child’s new BFF (best friend forever) is not your favorite child to be around?  How do you set boundaries for your child, and their playmate, when there are obvious differences in the parenting style each child is accustomed?

In handling issues that involve kids and families, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and the parenting style that works best for your family.  But realize that your role as decision maker is also limited to your family.  Below are some important reminders as you navigate these parenting challenges.

1.     Watch your tone – When you need to redirect a child that is not yours, or ask them to follow your rules, do so with a level of tenderness in your voice.  This child is not misbehaving to spite you; he or she may simply have different rules (or no rules) and needs to learn what you expect. 

2.     Respect the other parents – Do not speak negatively about the caregivers of this child in front of him/her, or in front of your own child.  Even if you are stating factual information, like their frequent absence from their son or daughter’s life, it is hurtful.  Imposing any judgment about the other parents is damaging to the friend, and sets a poor example to your child on the importance of accepting differences in others.

3.     Demonstrate Understanding – Begin the conversation by acknowledging that your rules may be uncomfortable for the other child.  Perhaps by comparison, you are strict or seem unfair.  By showing you accept this child’s reality you will gain ground in getting him/her to accept yours.

4.     Set Boundaries – Be clear and concise with the rules this child must follow.  Include your own child in the discussion so that it does not feel punitive, but collaborative.  For example, “In our house, we don’t eat sweets or snacks before dinner.  We have a rule that dessert is earned if you eat most of your dinner.”

5.     Instill Consequences – If there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable to you, let the other child (and yours) know what the consequence will be if they engage in this behavior.  Perhaps the other child must go straight home, or you will cancel their planned sleep-over.  You can prevent many problem behaviors by making the consequences clear beforehand.

6.     Be Consistent – Make sure that the rules you set are consistent with the rules for your child (wherever possible), and are likewise consistent for all their playmates. 

These guidelines will help to keep playtime a positive experience for everyone, even you.

Top 5 Warning Signs Conflict in the Workplace NEEDS to be Addressed

Whether it’s 1:1 or a full team that is affected, workplace friction creates a drain on business as it lowers productivity, lessens commitment to the company, and ultimately leads to costly turnover. Here are the Top 5 warning signs that conflict or problems in the workplace NEED to be addressed:

1. Staff gossip and complaints – When these behaviors are on the increase take note. Gripes and complaints become exponentially damaging as staff jumps on board in support of each others issues and concerns.

2. Morale is low – A lack of effort at work, tardiness, absenteeism and problems with cooperation and teamwork are common signs of lowered morale. When morale drops, staff isn’t committed to doing the job well, they’re just collecting a pay check.

3. Client complaints – No one wants to lose a good client, but a good employee can be even more expensive (or impossible if it’s a partner, etc.) to replace. Common mistake here include allowing one or the other to go, or focusing only on the symptoms, such as a failure to return calls.

4. Reluctance to contribute – When staff don’t contribute during meetings it’s a clear sign that they lack the personal investment, trust in leadership or both in working at the company.

5. Staff Request for Help – This obvious sign of a problem is unfortunately often ignored. All too often managers, and sometimes HR, offer a band-aid of a solution, or redirect an employee to ignore an issue or find a way of solving it themselves. Ignoring the obvious, that it’s probably beyond the skill or comfort level of this employee to handle the problem alone, this sends a very negative message to that staff member about his value in the company.

Email Contributes To Conflict – What to Do?

1. Say it clearly – Just this week a colleague and I exchanged emails about an event that we were both to attend. After confirming my plan to attend she checked with me, “Do you have the address of where the meeting is tomorrow?” I replied “Yes”. Unfortunately I later learned that she did not have the address, and in fact missed the meeting. Saying it clearly, or in this case asking it clearly, would have easily resolved this issue.
2. Don’t make assumptions – It’s easy to jump to the wrong conclusions when you don’t have the benefit of visual or auditory information. While email is convenient, it limits our ability to “read” a situation. Keep in mind that writing in all caps doesn’t necessarily indicate yelling, and that a delayed reply might be caused by a technological issue, not rudeness.
3. Consider the situation – Was that curt reply you received sent via Blackberry? Was the sender of that muddled note out of town or responding at an odd hour? In our world of instant gratification we’ve become accustomed to giving and getting information almost immediately. The problem is that at times this leads to a hasty reply, an incomplete thought, or worse. Consider the situation before you react, and clarify any concerns or issues right away.
4. Tell them how you feel – Forwards, chain letters, and other email nuisances are often sent by those we love most. I’ve found that those who are new to email or who use it strictly for social purposes are the biggest offenders. Simply let these persons know that while you appreciate the sentiment, you don’t have the time (or inclination) to read such emails, and that you’d like them to limit their correspondence in kind.
5. Find another way – Email is quick, but it creates barriers to our communication. It removes information that we need (tone of voice, information on the other persons environment), and replaces it with flat dialogue that is both cryptic and permanent. It’s like taking a 3-dimensional object and changing it to a 2-dimensional one, and expecting the same product. Whenever possible, address issues, clarify misunderstandings, and handle pertinent or time-sensitive information by phone or in-person. While it may seem more time-consuming to exchange information in this manner, it saves time and energy by greatly reducing the likelihood of any issues or problems developing.