That Internal Argument

Do you find yourself engaging in internal arguments?  The kind that runs through your head as you’re trying to relax or interrupts what might otherwise be mental quiet time?  With January being a time for resolutions – perhaps one healthy resolution to consider is letting go of those unhealthy internal conversations.  

While these battles in our mind may serve a purpose - by helping us to think things through or by providing an outlet for our frustrations - they often do so at a cost.  Such arguments often signal our inability to move past a problem or conflict.  And, as the conflict repeats in your head, lingers, and remains unresolved, it actually damages the relationship you were most likely hoping to preserve.

The alternative - bringing up the conversation with that person whom you are arguing - sounds daunting, but it doesn’t have to be.  Here are 5 steps to making that conversation safe and productive.

1.      Forewarn – Tell the person (you’re in mental conflict with) that you need to talk about a past issue that’s been playing on your mind.  Let them know this a conversation to bring about a better understanding – not to find fault.  At this point, don’t elaborate on any details.  If the timing isn’t appropriate, make a plan for when you will both have time to talk. 

2.      Agree on Basic Rules – Set simple rules by starting on one’s they will like to hear.  For example, no blaming.  Other good rules to follow are: no interrupting, ask questions only when the other is done speaking, and stay on the subject (avoid bringing up other issues). 

3.      Take Responsibility – Explain the issue and why it is important to you that it be discussed.  Remember they may not have thought about it at all.  It may be helpful to explain your feelings (eg: frustrated, misunderstood, angry) as a way to demonstrate the importance of the discussion, but be careful not to use this as a way to place blame.

4.      Share Points of View – At this point it is appropriate to dive into the details of the issue, but remember most of what you will need to discuss is not facts, but your perspective.  Take the time to share the nuances of why the situation upset or hurt you – and why it continues to sit with you.  Have this become a discussion where they also share their thoughts and point of view.

5.      Determine Outcomes – As you listen to each other’s perspective, you will work toward developing a shared understanding of what happened, and what if anything, should be handled differently in the future.  Discuss these until you are both comfortable that you have reached a new understanding.  Close the conversation by thanking the other person for being open to the discussion, for listening, and for helping you to clear your mind of the situation.

Top 5 Warning Signs Conflict in the Workplace NEEDS to be Addressed

Whether it’s 1:1 or a full team that is affected, workplace friction creates a drain on business as it lowers productivity, lessens commitment to the company, and ultimately leads to costly turnover. Here are the Top 5 warning signs that conflict or problems in the workplace NEED to be addressed:

1. Staff gossip and complaints – When these behaviors are on the increase take note. Gripes and complaints become exponentially damaging as staff jumps on board in support of each others issues and concerns.

2. Morale is low – A lack of effort at work, tardiness, absenteeism and problems with cooperation and teamwork are common signs of lowered morale. When morale drops, staff isn’t committed to doing the job well, they’re just collecting a pay check.

3. Client complaints – No one wants to lose a good client, but a good employee can be even more expensive (or impossible if it’s a partner, etc.) to replace. Common mistake here include allowing one or the other to go, or focusing only on the symptoms, such as a failure to return calls.

4. Reluctance to contribute – When staff don’t contribute during meetings it’s a clear sign that they lack the personal investment, trust in leadership or both in working at the company.

5. Staff Request for Help – This obvious sign of a problem is unfortunately often ignored. All too often managers, and sometimes HR, offer a band-aid of a solution, or redirect an employee to ignore an issue or find a way of solving it themselves. Ignoring the obvious, that it’s probably beyond the skill or comfort level of this employee to handle the problem alone, this sends a very negative message to that staff member about his value in the company.