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Stop Missing the Signs!

You’ve experienced it before.  The tell-tale end of the road that marks the need for HR intervention.  It appears as a complaint or as a claim of harassment, discrimination, or bullying.  It may lead to a termination, or worse still, the voluntary resignation of a valued employee.  And you wonder - Why am I (especially in HR) the last to know?

HR professionals are often the last to know about issues brewing in the workplace.  Of the many hats they wear, omniscience about the rising tensions between employees isn’t one of them.  And the employees aren’t talking.  Or are they?

All too often the complaints that lead to turnover, legal concerns, performance issues and more are not as hidden as they seem.  HR may even be aware of some of them at an early(ish) state.  But knowing what to do with that information can be just as challenging as knowing what to look for.  Do you get involved when you’ve only learned about an issue through gossip?  How can you determine if the situation requires intervention?  What happens when the issue involves multiple people, a member of the management, or a part of the executive team?  What role does confidentiality play? 

Searching for the answer to these questions further slows the process of managing the issues at hand.  

Here are the Top 5 Situations where Intervention is Necessary.  And a hint - In each, the first step toward addressing the issue is getting more information from those involved:

1. Repeat Complaints.  When a number of people share the complaint, the problem is widespread.  If one person is making frequent complaints, the problem is most likely unbearable for them.  In either event, recognize you're likely hearing only the tip of the iceberg - and you need to find out more.

2. Frequent or Unexpected Turnover or Transfer Requests

Leadership issues, team or departmental dysfunction are precipitators of turnover and transfer requests.  Waiting to see a definitive pattern sends an unfortunate message that either HR/Management doesn't recognize the problem, doesn't know what to do about the problem, or simply doesn't care that the problem exists.  

3. Legal Concerns

When legal concerns erupt HR or Management frequently start by getting in touch with legal, focusing on their departments' record-keeping, and ensuring that all requisite training programs are up to date and documented.  The problem is that time is being wasted. If the issue is minor, there is no need to perform an audit of all record-keeping; if the issue is serious - any delay means you are losing the opportunity to minimize damage or nip the potential problem in the bud.  

4. Arguments or Tensions are Intensifying or Never-Ending

Perhaps you are aware of a problem, but no one has asked for help and there are no concerns about bullying, harassment, or other workplace violations. Whether there are complaints or not, on-going tensions will lead to lowered morale, increased turnover and absenteeism, and more.   Realize, the longer these problems fester, the worse they get.

5. Tensions from Top-level Staff

Human Resource professionals often hit a brick wall when issues come from levels equal to or above their own.  They may feel they lack the authority or simply find they lack the courage to step in.   The concern being, problems at the top are like an avalanche, and can easily destroy all that lies beneath them.  Communication between HR and the executive level team must be fluid and open, allowing for trust, transparency, and growth.

Knowing what to do is just the start of the journey.  If you’re ready to begin addressing your organization’s issues of leadership, teamwork, or conflict, please contact us.

Communication - Enough is Enough!

We talk about the importance of communication, yet are we getting any closer to solving our communication problems?  All too often, the answer is "No".  Well I'm here to say, "Enough is enough."  Are you with me?

Good. Because here is what I'm really saying - enough is enough. In other words, as a specialist in communication and conflict resolution, I can tell you that the biggest problems I find in business, among teams, and within families, occurs when one, both or all parties fail to pay attention to whether or not enough information has actually been exchanged. How could you know when this is happening? Read on:

1. You can tell the other person is "giving in" to you - or you are giving in to them.  Often done to avoid an argument or lengthy discussion, this situation occurs when we try to get things done without over-questioning or over-explaining. Things may seem fine as work is getting done and things are being handled. However, the long term result is that the party who "gives in" makes assumptions about the other person and the reason for their requests. They may see him or her as difficult, unreasonable, or even foolish. Over time respect is lost and the relationship is damaged.

2. You unexpectedly get resistance over something - Similar to the situation above, this time the other person isn't giving in, but is in some way pushing back. S/he may be quietly avoiding work that should be done, pushing your buttons by asking questions you see as unnecessary, or repeatedly doing something the "wrong" way. You may feel frustrated or angry with this person's attitude or behavior. Over time this resistance may reach to a level of insubordination and discipline.


3. You find yourself telling the other person to "Just do it" - Perhaps you've learned to expect resistance over a particular request or by a specific individual.  Rather than enter into a discussion you give a straight-forward order. You may see this as the fastest way to get from point A to point B, but at what cost? While intended to cut out some of the problems above, instead this type of communication complicates things further. A direct order demonstrates a lack of trust in the recipient's ability to make decisions or think things through. In business this causes employee dissatisfaction and in any situation erodes positive elements of the relationship.


4. You sense the other person's unspoken confusion, annoyance, or frustration - Perhaps you are savvy enough to recognize these signs of resistance, but are you addressing them? Have you truly unveiled the problems that lead to those feelings? Most of the time we take the shortest route for getting something done, and instead of entering into a discussion about the task, request, etc., we respond by allowing one of the three prior scenarios to take hold. Or, we do seek to address the issue, but allow it to be closed even when we aren't sure that the problem has been solved - only that the effort has been made.


In all of these situations, "enough" did not happen. The best of intentions did not lead to the best results. Instead, communication was stilted, incomplete, compromised, or completely ignored.  To improve communication, you must be sure that the information exchange also answered the question, "Why?"  In other words, why is this needed, why should it be done this way, and/or why are you resisting the request that was made?

Top 5 Situations where Intervention is Necessary

As a business owner or Human Resources professional, you're aware of employee tensions and occasional outbursts of anger or frustration. They're common to the workplace. And things usually settle down in a day or two. But sometimes they don't. Sometimes things get worse, or even spiral unexpectedly out of control. How can you know which conflicts need your involvement and which can be allowed to resolve themselves?

As a Conflict Resolution professional, I hear these questions often. Here are the Top 5 Situations where Intervention is Necessary, along with my rationale for why it is time to step in.

1. Repeat Complaints
As the most common problem requiring intervention, repeat complaints are also the one most likely to be ignored or given a low level of attention. Why? Complaints between employees are often chalked up to personality differences or viewed as minor or commonplace. Repeat complainers may even become branded as being the problem itself.
The reality: Repeat complaints signal a level of urgency. When a number of people share the complaint, the problem is widespread. If one person is complaining, and running the risk of being labeled as a result, the problem is most likely unbearable for them. In either event, keep in mind that when you hear a complaint, you're only hearing about the tip of the iceberg. There is always more that lies beneath the surface - and you need to find out more.

2. Frequent or Unexpected Turnover or Transfer Requests
While turnover issues get noticed, it's typically because the focus shifts to replacing the lost or transferred individuals. HR or Management may rationalize the reasons for such departures, or (if the employees are not of particular value to the company) they may be unconcerned about the staffing changes. But the key words here are "frequent or unexpected". Turnover and transfer requests are usually precipitated by problems or dysfunction within the department or team from which they are occurring.
Waiting to step in and address such issues sends an unfortunate message that either HR/Management doesn't recognize the problem, doesn't know what to do about the problem, or simply doesn't care that the problem exists. In any event, the problem will snowball and more staff will leave, including those you can't afford to lose.

3. Legal Concerns
Let's say you learn through the grapevine that an employee is making general threats of legal action. Or, you hear words like "hostile work environment" or "harassment" floating among certain groups. Unfortunately, HR or Management frequently start their efforts to address this issue by getting in touch with their legal adviser, focusing on their departments' record-keeping, and ensuring that all requisite training programs, like sexual harassment training, are up to date and documented.
Reasons for this point of focus range from disbelief that the problem or threat is significant, concern that addressing the issue will make things worse, or wanting to wait until the affected person approaches or informs them directly. Unfortunately, I see these asr duck and cover efforts.  They are not focused on resolving the problem, but on insulating the company from further damage.
The problem is that time is being wasted. If the issue is minor, there is no need to perform an audit of all record-keeping; if instead the issue is serious - any delay means you are losing the opportunity to minimize damages or nip the potential problem in the bud.

4. Arguments or Tensions are Intensifying or Never-Ending
Sometimes HR or Management is aware of a problem, but no one has asked for help and there are no concerns about bullying, harassment, or other workplace violations. The problem is simply chalked up to a "personality difference" between employees. Due to limited time and resources, such problems are often given little, if any, attention. However, when these conflicts intensify or are long-lasting it is no longer appropriate for helpers to remain on the sidelines. Whether there are complaints or not, such tensions will lead to problems with morale, increases in turnover and absenteeism, and possibly even lead to workplace violence. Further, the longer these problems fester, the worse it will get. While there is no line in the sand to say when it is time to step in based on time or intensity of the problem, it is imperative that you keep such issues on your radar, and have a plan for addressing them.

5. Tensions among Top-level Staff
Human Resource professionals and mid-level management often hit a brick wall when there are tensions or problems among top-level staff. They often see the issue or feel the impact, but are unable to create change or resolve the issue. Why? Trying to help those in a position of power above you creates its own strife. Add to that the limited authority HR often holds, and the confined level of trust or respect they typically enjoy when it comes to working with the C-suite executives and owners. It's a near impossible situation to contend with. HR may want to help, but are limited and/or fearful of doing so. Regardless of these limitations, it's not OK to wait. Expecting things to blow-over is a fallacy. Chances are that by the time HR has becomes aware of problems at the top, things have already deteriorated. And while things may go into temporary remission, most likely because of the recent exposure to HR or other staff members, anger and grudges do not go away because we ignore them. They fester, grow, and become more explosive and damaging over time. Problems at the top are like an avalanche, and can easily destroy all that lies beneath them.

If you recognize that intervention is needed for these or other reasons, please contact us to discuss how we might help you address these challenging situations.

The Scary Question You Need to Ask

Miscommunication occurs so often in our lives – and we are seldom even aware of it.  Our spouse makes a sarcastic comment, our friend replies negatively to our request, a family member retorts, “I knew you would be this way.”

In each of these situations we think we have it all figured out.  We assume we know what they’re saying, what they meant, or why they’re rejecting us.  And yet, I can tell you as a conflict resolution professional, who sees, hears, and experiences these situations every day, the truth is we’re usually wrong.  Yes, usually. 

Even with my awareness and expertise, I frequently find myself caught in the same reactive behaviors.  But, I have a very simple tool I use to help me out of that knee jerk belief.  My tool is a question:  “What did you mean by that?”

While I advocate for saying this with a calm voice, even using it with an irritated one is helpful, as it invites communication. 

Take for example the husband who asks his wife “Honey, are you going to eat all of that?” while looking at her plate.  She’s been dieting to lose weight and feels instantly judged and angry.  How could he be so insensitive?!  Despite her urge to shut down, she instead asks, “What did you mean by that?”  He quickly realizes he’s hurt his wife (improved self-awareness for future interactions), and explains, “I thought you wanted to save some of that for your lunch tomorrow.”  Now she feels supported, rather than hurt.  And they both benefit through better understanding the others reactions/intentions in that moment.

Imagine the possibilities.  If you’re presumption is wrong, it gets corrected immediately and you feel better as in the example above.  If you’re deduction is correct, it still invites discussion - possibly allowing for you to clear the air on a misunderstanding the other holds about you.  Moreover, the question leaves room for you to teach the other person a better way of communicating with you, so that these misunderstandings occur less often.

We operate in fear of these seemingly confrontational discussions, and yet they are liberating.  They heal our relationships as they allow for shared understanding to take place.  They bring depth back to our often surface-level conversations, and make deeper connections with others possible.  They help us to be humble and aware, caring and concerned.

So go ahead, use my tool.  Ask the scary question, “What did you mean by that?”  And be ready to improve your relationships!

Need a Conflict Resolution Quick Fix? Say Please.

In my work with organizations I frequently hear employees echo the same complaint about their co-workers, supervisors, and even underlings.  The complaint?  A lack of courtesy. 

“Please keep me up to date on that.”  “Thank you for completing that project on time.”  And, of course, “You’re welcome.”  Why are these basic courtesies missing?  Haven’t our parents/caregivers instilled these basic manners into us?  Have we really become demanding and rude while at work?  My thought is that we have not become thoughtless - but we are in a constant hurry.  We don’t mean to treat others in a manner that offends or upsets them; we just simply get caught up in getting the work done.  No, the added word or two doesn’t take up much time.  But, to demonstrate the genuine courtesy that goes with those words does requires us to slow down in a more complete way.  It means we need to look the other person in the eye and to connect with them on some level.

So while the complaint may be a lack of courtesy, the reality is that there is a lack of a connection between those who work together.  And as that connection erodes or fails to be established, problems arise.  Problems which can lead to misunderstandings and interpersonal conflict, and which likewise lead to lowered morale, diminished productivity and higher turnover.

On the flip side - imagine the impact of slowing down and connecting with your co-workers, subordinates or supervisor.  Such behavior is likely to build a lot of good will and positive vibes.  Why?  Connecting allows us to develop a better understanding of one another, which in turn yields better interpersonal relationships.  People who have a positive connection to their co-workers typically are happier, work harder and are more loyal and productive employees.   Why does this matter?  As multiple studies reflect, there is a strong correlation between employee happiness and productivity.  By changing the mood of your employees – you’re likely to change the company’s ability to succeed.

So if you’re looking for a quick conflict resolution fix, slow down, look your co-worker in the eye and say “please”.

Stop Workplace Violence - Abandon the "Wait and See" Approach

In mid-February a shooting broke out in Long Beach, California between two high ranking ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) agents during a performance review.  A month earlier, an employee of McBride Lumber in North Carolina shot four of his co-workers, killing three of them, before killing himself.

Workplace violence of this sort makes headlines because it is rare and because it is shocking.  But the issues which lead to such outward demonstrations of hostility are not rare.  These acts of violence are not random.  While they may not always be pre- meditated, they are brought about by a history of tensions and anger between specific individuals in the workplace. 

One-time events do not create this volatility.  Single incidents may upset or confuse, but they don’t trigger a drastic response.  It is the historical repetition of events – be it bullying, intimidation, refusal to cooperate, or other unfair, unkind behaviors – which leads to these reactive measures.  The problem is, if we focus on the violence, we are looking for solutions in the wrong places.

As a conflict resolution and management expert, I see the commonality of the behaviors which lead to workplace shootings.  Thankfully, the vast majority of people never engage in such violent measures, regardless of the abuse they were suffering.  Instead, their reactions more likely lead to employee turnover, increased absenteeism, theft, harassment claims, and EEOC complaints.  These circumstances occur in most workplace settings, and even occur in other teamwork environments.  A timely example can be found with the UCLA Basketball Team.  A failure to discipline or force accountability lead to key players transferring schools, and caused a winning team to become a struggling one.

Most, if not all of this is preventable.  It begins with staff having a trusted place to bring their concerns.  They must believe that by bringing their concerns forward, they will get help.  There must also be a firm resolution, by leaders and managers, to bring swift, decisive intervention when problems perpetuate.  Conflict management readiness is, for this reason, vital to all businesses.  Staff must learn skills in conflict communication.  Human Resources, leaders and managers must have skills for addressing workplace problems in a way that empowers, rather than punishes, staff whenever possible.  And formal conflict resolution, such as mediation, must be engaged at the earliest possible time if other efforts fail to yield the desired results.

If you have questions about how to address these issues, or want to discuss the concerns of your workplace, please contact us for a free consultation.

That Internal Argument

Do you find yourself engaging in internal arguments?  The kind that runs through your head as you’re trying to relax or interrupts what might otherwise be mental quiet time?  With January being a time for resolutions – perhaps one healthy resolution to consider is letting go of those unhealthy internal conversations.  

While these battles in our mind may serve a purpose - by helping us to think things through or by providing an outlet for our frustrations - they often do so at a cost.  Such arguments often signal our inability to move past a problem or conflict.  And, as the conflict repeats in your head, lingers, and remains unresolved, it actually damages the relationship you were most likely hoping to preserve.

The alternative - bringing up the conversation with that person whom you are arguing - sounds daunting, but it doesn’t have to be.  Here are 5 steps to making that conversation safe and productive.

1.      Forewarn – Tell the person (you’re in mental conflict with) that you need to talk about a past issue that’s been playing on your mind.  Let them know this a conversation to bring about a better understanding – not to find fault.  At this point, don’t elaborate on any details.  If the timing isn’t appropriate, make a plan for when you will both have time to talk. 

2.      Agree on Basic Rules – Set simple rules by starting on one’s they will like to hear.  For example, no blaming.  Other good rules to follow are: no interrupting, ask questions only when the other is done speaking, and stay on the subject (avoid bringing up other issues). 

3.      Take Responsibility – Explain the issue and why it is important to you that it be discussed.  Remember they may not have thought about it at all.  It may be helpful to explain your feelings (eg: frustrated, misunderstood, angry) as a way to demonstrate the importance of the discussion, but be careful not to use this as a way to place blame.

4.      Share Points of View – At this point it is appropriate to dive into the details of the issue, but remember most of what you will need to discuss is not facts, but your perspective.  Take the time to share the nuances of why the situation upset or hurt you – and why it continues to sit with you.  Have this become a discussion where they also share their thoughts and point of view.

5.      Determine Outcomes – As you listen to each other’s perspective, you will work toward developing a shared understanding of what happened, and what if anything, should be handled differently in the future.  Discuss these until you are both comfortable that you have reached a new understanding.  Close the conversation by thanking the other person for being open to the discussion, for listening, and for helping you to clear your mind of the situation.

My Favorite Gift Ideas

Holiday gift giving is often stressful. Whether it's finding that individually perfect gift for each person on your list, the challenge of heading to an overcrowded mall, or the strain on your pocketbook, gift-giving can often feel less than joyful.

An idea that I always enjoy - is the handmade or homemade gift. Whether I'm the recipient of someone's thoughtful efforts,

or the gift giver, there is a special feeling that goes along with giving or getting a gift that is born out of a person's creativity and efforts.

It seems the most difficult part in offering such a thoughtful gift is simply in thinking of something to make.

Here are some ideas of homemade and handmade gifts that might work for you:
1. Cookies, candies, breads, or other baked goods
2. Recipe in a jar (good for baked goods, chili, soup, etc.)
3. Artistic project - A painting, stained glass, wood-working, etc.
4. A framed (enlarged) photograph that you have taken
5. Knit or sewn items
6. Create a scrapbook or photo album
7. Create a recipe book (with a treasured recipe or two inside!)
8. Jewelry
9. Compilation CD of their favorite tunes
10. Compilation DVD of cherished memories caught on video
11. Gift of skill or time (gardening, babysitting, organizing)
12. Promise a "date" - (cook a special meal to enjoy with them)

There are so many more ideas than I can think of. I encourage readers of this entry to add their own as comments below so that we can all benefit from the ideas and creativity of others!

Happy Gift-Making!

Why You Should Look Outside the (Company) Box

As a specialist in interpersonal workplace relations I often see dismay in the faces of Business owners, senior executives, HR managers, and the like when they engage with me to provide services for their organization. They express frustration, anger, or even shame as they share detailed information about the conflict or problem which is occurring, and their unsuccessful efforts to remedy it thus far. What they rarely seem to recognize however, is that their struggle may stem more from their proximity than their competency.

Consider the following advantages of being a consultant:

Objectivity - As an outsider to the company, a consultant has an unclouded perspective of the conflict or problem, and the people involved. Simply sharing this unbiased and unique viewpoint can begin to pave the way toward clearer solutions.

Neutrality – As both a function of their role as Mediator, and as a person not otherwise involved with the company or its employees, an outside consultant is recognized as being neutral to the conflict. This allows each side to believe that the process and any resolution will be fair.

Confidentiality – Staff experiencing conflict can feel assured that their issues are not going to be shared in the lunchroom, now or ever. More to the point, any shame, embarrassment, or fear they may feel in connection with their dispute can more easily be managed as the person who has this knowledge isn’t down the hall or socializing with their coworkers.

Availability of time – With the goal of getting to the root of the conflict, it is imperative that time is taken to allow staff to open-up completely and to fully discuss the issues that are occurring between them. Time constraints only serve to undermine this goal, and in-house helpers (managers, executives, HR) are simply unable to devote unrestricted time to these efforts.
Beyond those initial advantages, are other benefits which tip the scales in favor of change being possible:

Trust – Fear is the biggest impediment to honesty. By bringing in an outside expert and allowing for confidentiality, you demonstrate to your staff that they are valued and that you also place great importance on their resolving the issue. This dispels fear, and allows staff to feel safe when they open up.

Subject-Matter Expertise – Beyond the challenges of gaining trust and carving out time to resolve interpersonal issues, is the importance of having the right skills to bring the conflict to positive resolution. Placed in the wrong hands, even well-intended efforts may yield greater problems like increased tensions, unwanted turnover, or worse. A capable and expert consultant, can address even the most sensitive of issues in a way that promotes understanding, improves cohesion and creates better workplace relations.

When the Financial Crisis Affects Your Family

Financial woes have stretched to affect and impact everyone, including your kids. Whether you’re telling your 7 year old that he can’t have a new PlayStation, your pre-teen that a Smart-Phone isn’t an option, or your 17 year old that her favorite college is financially out of reach, the message is the same, we can’t afford it. Helping your kids to adjust to financial challenges isn’t easy – here are a few guidelines to help you through it:

1. It’s going to be OK. It’s important to start any conversation about change by providing a sense of safety, especially when children are involved. You may want to start your conversation with a simple sentence that covers it all, such as: “Jamie, I need to have an important talk with you about some changes we need to make as a family, everything is OK, but I’m going to need you to help out too”.

2. Get them involved. Just as the ending of the sample sentence above said, giving kids a role in the change allows them to feel some control and to take some personal responsibility. Whenever possible, tell your kids the changes YOU will be making, and then ask them to think of some changes THEY can make. Guide their decision making so that their contributions or sacrifices are genuinely helpful.

3. Recognize their efforts. Let them know how much the reduced allowance or the decreased spending on activities is helping the family. When they can’t participate in a favorite activity due to funds, let them know how much you appreciate it, and try to find ways to reward them.

4. Keep them informed. You began the conversation by saying things will be OK. Now keep them posted. It’s been a few months…are things getting better or worse? Is this change permanent or is it still temporary? By keeping them informed you make them feel safe, and part of the team which is your family.

5. Find the bright side. Instead of going out to the movies, make it a movie rental and with a big batch of popcorn, and maybe invite over a friend (or the dog!) to join you. Instead of going out to dinner, have a “make our own pizza”, or “decorate your own cupcake night”. And lastly,

6. Give yourself a break. These and other family activities may well become favorite activities and cherished memories you and your children will share for years to come. Rather than worry about what they can’t have, remind yourself of the values you are showing them, the love you are giving them, and the lessons you are teaching them.