The Perfect Apology

Have you ever found the words “I’m sorry” fall short of accomplishing anything?   Sometimes they seem to hover ineptly above us.  Not only do they fail to penetrate the hurt of the other person, they leave us feeling foolish, confused, and frustrated.  Rather than repairing the damage, they increase the divide leaving us both feeling angry and misunderstood.  As the apologizer, we may even come to the conclusion that it isn’t worth the trouble.  And yet, without it, our relationships suffer. 

Here’s why it often goes wrong.  For the words “I’m sorry” to hold any true meaning, two fundamental things are required:  Head and Heart.  

 

HEAD

When we are hurt, especially by a loved one, we want them to know the reasons we feel hurt or injured.  Our desire to feel understood is profound, even if it is never verbalized.  That is why an apology that lacks clear understanding, whether it’s made out of pity or love, falls short of repairing the damage. 

To get it right:  Ask questions to learn, or clarify, why the other person is sad or hurt.  Seek to understand them and your apology - if sincere - will have true depth and meaning.

HEART

Being understood is important for any apology.  But so is the feeling that we matter.  We want the other person to feel a concern that we were hurt and a desire to make it better.  Without that, the words “I’m sorry” seem intended only to appease us, not to repair.  And they fail to do so. 

To get it right:  Genuinely show you care about the other person and their concerns.  Validate their feelings.  Acknowledge the reasons you are sorry and find out what they need (from you) to move on. 

When both our head and our heart feel satisfied, an apology feels sincere and is easy to accept.  We can move forward with renewed trust and a deeper more meaningful love and understanding of each other.  With head and heart, our apologies are accepted, and our relationships can be repaired.

Probiotics for your Cross-“Cultural” Interactions

As technology increases our reach, many of us find a significant part of our daily interaction involves transacting across borders and cultures. Yet we rarely consider the impact of these cross-cultural interactions.  While cultural barriers are not always apparent (i.e. differences in language, script or dress) – they are most certainly felt.  And their “invisibility” often means that we bump (or crash) into them when we least expect it.

Recently, a colleague of mine was emailed a document on “Japanese Business Etiquette” before her meeting with 

executives visiting from Japan. We chuckled over the list that covered a range of topics, including how to present and receive a business card, the appropriate ways to discuss your family, what to wear and personal habits. It was almost offensive to receive such a document as a “normal and respectful professional” because a receipt of such a list suggested otherwise!  Despite the unintended offense, this type of document is a good way to forewarn parties of cultural differences and norms ahead of negotiations. 

However, not all cross-cultural interactions and negotiations come from a business-to-business environment where a prescriptive list is provided.  Some may arise as components of e-Commerce or through our communication on social networks.  People can be offended and transactions, halted.  In fact, cross-generational interactions can involve similar challenges often impacting the workforce. 

Lessons Learned from a Blue Dog

As I was driving my daughter home from school one day we discussed her most recent, holiday inspired, work of art.  I suggested that we temporarily place it where we had hung her “Blue Dog” painting.  She agrees…and then a few moments later asks, “Don’t you like my Blue Dog?”  Surprised, as I absolutely love her art work and frequently tell her so, I said “Of course I do.” – Then I went on to explain the limited space we have for hang-able art.  “But” she says, “I heard you say you didn’t like ‘Blue Dog’”.  And she was right.  I had said exactly that.  What she didn’t know however, was that I wasn’t referring to her artwork, but a restaurant I wasn’t fond of.  That conversation had happened two weeks earlier.  Right in front of her.  And I never gave it a thought.

 

For two weeks my daughter sat with that criticism while her Blue Dog hung prominently in our home. 

Why does this matter to you? 

This misunderstanding hits at the core of how many conflicts develop.  My daughter heard me right – but understood me wrong.  How could she have known – or even anticipated that?  How did this impact her for the two weeks she sat on it?  How often were her emotional outbursts and challenging behavior (which were worse during that timeframe) directly related to her being hurt by me?

In both our workplace and our personal lives we are capable of experiencing these misunderstandings.  We feel certain and convinced that the hurt was intentional – How could anything else be the case?  And yet, the Blue Dog teaches us.

Here are the lessons I hope to bring:

Be Brave.  When you feel hurt, talk about it with the person that hurt you.  (If a 6 years old can do it, so can you).

Give the Benefit of the Doubt.  It may look, sound, or feel like someone is being unkind, unfair, or intentionally hurtful.  But before you make that determination, talk to him/her.  There may be more going on than meets the eye.

Ask Questions.  Don’t look to prove your case or find evidence supporting your belief.  Instead, ask questions to find out more information.  It’s ok to be persistent if you are confused by the initial answers.  Had my daughter simply stopped asking questions when I said “Of course (I like her Blue Dog)”, she may have thought I was lying or trying to deceive her. 

Be Open to the Conversation.  When you are being asked questions about your intent, or more to the point, being told you’ve hurt someone, listen to them.  Try to understand where your actions have created pain or harm for someone, and offer clarity, perspective, or even an apology when appropriate.

Forgive.  Hurt, caused with or without malice, can bring out the worst in us.  My daughter had to make peace with the knowledge that I had not intended to hurt her so she could release her pain.  I had to let go of my irritation with the anger she had been displaying.  We both needed to forgive each other.

I was reminded of all this and more from my daughter.  I thanked her for her courage.  I encouraged her to continue to confront the things that hurt her.  I forgave her for the behavior that had come out of that experience. 

I encourage you to do the same.   

The Scary Question You Need to Ask

Miscommunication occurs so often in our lives – and we are seldom even aware of it.  Our spouse makes a sarcastic comment, our friend replies negatively to our request, a family member retorts, “I knew you would be this way.”

In each of these situations we think we have it all figured out.  We assume we know what they’re saying, what they meant, or why they’re rejecting us.  And yet, I can tell you as a conflict resolution professional, who sees, hears, and experiences these situations every day, the truth is we’re usually wrong.  Yes, usually. 

Even with my awareness and expertise, I frequently find myself caught in the same reactive behaviors.  But, I have a very simple tool I use to help me out of that knee jerk belief.  My tool is a question:  “What did you mean by that?”

While I advocate for saying this with a calm voice, even using it with an irritated one is helpful, as it invites communication. 

Take for example the husband who asks his wife “Honey, are you going to eat all of that?” while looking at her plate.  She’s been dieting to lose weight and feels instantly judged and angry.  How could he be so insensitive?!  Despite her urge to shut down, she instead asks, “What did you mean by that?”  He quickly realizes he’s hurt his wife (improved self-awareness for future interactions), and explains, “I thought you wanted to save some of that for your lunch tomorrow.”  Now she feels supported, rather than hurt.  And they both benefit through better understanding the others reactions/intentions in that moment.

Imagine the possibilities.  If you’re presumption is wrong, it gets corrected immediately and you feel better as in the example above.  If you’re deduction is correct, it still invites discussion - possibly allowing for you to clear the air on a misunderstanding the other holds about you.  Moreover, the question leaves room for you to teach the other person a better way of communicating with you, so that these misunderstandings occur less often.

We operate in fear of these seemingly confrontational discussions, and yet they are liberating.  They heal our relationships as they allow for shared understanding to take place.  They bring depth back to our often surface-level conversations, and make deeper connections with others possible.  They help us to be humble and aware, caring and concerned.

So go ahead, use my tool.  Ask the scary question, “What did you mean by that?”  And be ready to improve your relationships!

Need a Conflict Resolution Quick Fix? Say Please.

In my work with organizations I frequently hear employees echo the same complaint about their co-workers, supervisors, and even underlings.  The complaint?  A lack of courtesy. 

“Please keep me up to date on that.”  “Thank you for completing that project on time.”  And, of course, “You’re welcome.”  Why are these basic courtesies missing?  Haven’t our parents/caregivers instilled these basic manners into us?  Have we really become demanding and rude while at work?  My thought is that we have not become thoughtless - but we are in a constant hurry.  We don’t mean to treat others in a manner that offends or upsets them; we just simply get caught up in getting the work done.  No, the added word or two doesn’t take up much time.  But, to demonstrate the genuine courtesy that goes with those words does requires us to slow down in a more complete way.  It means we need to look the other person in the eye and to connect with them on some level.

So while the complaint may be a lack of courtesy, the reality is that there is a lack of a connection between those who work together.  And as that connection erodes or fails to be established, problems arise.  Problems which can lead to misunderstandings and interpersonal conflict, and which likewise lead to lowered morale, diminished productivity and higher turnover.

On the flip side - imagine the impact of slowing down and connecting with your co-workers, subordinates or supervisor.  Such behavior is likely to build a lot of good will and positive vibes.  Why?  Connecting allows us to develop a better understanding of one another, which in turn yields better interpersonal relationships.  People who have a positive connection to their co-workers typically are happier, work harder and are more loyal and productive employees.   Why does this matter?  As multiple studies reflect, there is a strong correlation between employee happiness and productivity.  By changing the mood of your employees – you’re likely to change the company’s ability to succeed.

So if you’re looking for a quick conflict resolution fix, slow down, look your co-worker in the eye and say “please”.