The Naked King

Brian was a proud leader.  He’d driven his organization forward with growth and innovation and developed a team of high performing individuals.  Yet as Brian exuberantly pushed toward greater investor returns and new opportunities, he simultaneously generated friction among his team.  Unbeknownst to Brian, the team felt restrained, held back, and at times disengaged.  Why didn’t Brian know?  Brian, was a naked King.

As in Hans Christian Andersen’s tale the Emperor’s New Clothes, Brian like many of today’s leaders, shares a common circumstance as the King and his minions in the well-known fable.  Employees, even at the executive level, are like the townspeople, withholding information and feedback.  Why does this happen?  

Leaders, like the rest of us, seek out positive and encouraging feedback, and resist negative or contradictory information.  Similarly, a leader’s style in managing difficult situations is likely to mirror the rest of society and venture toward conflict avoidance (seen as negating or ignoring an issue), or confrontation (seen as bullying or intimidating behaviors).  Further complicating the situation, the power and influence of a leader combined with these common character traits, become more pronounced and more challenging for others to overcome.  

But does our leader know s/he is naked?  Some, no doubt are aware.  These leaders hope to keep others in the dark.  They tend to be secretive and closed off, and their organizations are likely to have heavy turnover.  But most leaders, like Brian, are at best mildly aware.  They are friendly and open, get along well with others, and make an effort toward being available.  They take their ability to be engaging, friendly, and socialize with their staff as evidence that their leadership is strong and healthy.  The problem however, is that they do not invite feedback and criticism.  If it’s hard to give feedback to a friend, what happens when s/he is also your boss?  Forget about it.

So what can the naked King do?

Given that the risks are too high for clear feedback to come through internal efforts, Leaders who want to know what their team is thinking will need to consider getting outside help.  Through quasi-360° evaluations conducted by a consultant or coach, a leader can learn of the concerns which exist in the organization, and of his/her leadership style, while minimizing fear and resistance among the staff or executives who are providing the feedback.  But that’s only step 1.  Step 2 is to utilize that feedback and prove to your team that it was worth their effort, and risk, to provide it.  This will most likely entail executive coaching, as well as a degree of transparency regarding your knowledge or acceptance of the feedback and your efforts to remedy the situation.  Steps 3 through infinity will be to keep that conversation going.  Encouraging others to give feedback in real time – not after the King has walked naked through the town.

Giving Great (and REAL) Feedback

Wouldn’t it be great if giving feedback could promote better workplace relations, improve rapport, and also garner desired change?  It’s possible – and not all that hard.

Delivering feedback is a challenge not only facing managers and supervisors, but facing anyone who wants to tell another person that s/he needs to change.  The challenge for most people is that they don’t want to hurt, disappoint, shock, or anger the person they are informing.  Out of their own fear, most people tend 

to stumble through such an effort.  They are unclear, rambling, incomplete or even abrupt in their delivery.  The result being that both parties find the interaction painful or unsettling.  No wonder it’s something so many of us avoid.

I have found the following to be a truly functional way of delivering feedback:

BEFORE Giving the Feedback

1.    Do your homework – Giving useful feedback requires an understanding of the big picture.  So before giving criticism on someone’s time management for example, find out what is on their plate and from whom.  Find out what they believe to be the priorities and why. 

2.    Find the Good (for them) – You may be about to deliver them a blow, but what could be (or is) the upside for them?  For example, a manager is seen by peers as under-performing.  The upside is that others believe in his/her potential. 

3.    Set up a meeting – Sharing feedback is a conversation, not a quick or one-sided announcement.  Schedule time for you and the other person to speak.  Tell them (generally) what the conversation will be about.  For example, “…To discuss your work with our team.”  Make sure to schedule the meeting to last at least 30 minutes.  This signifies the importance of the meeting, and promotes the conversational element of it.

DURING – Make it a Conversation

4.    Begin with the Facts and Big Picture – When the meeting begins, don’t delay.  Explain why you are meeting with them, what the concerns/problems are, and give them the positive (“up-side”) to the feedback.  Describe it as such.  Keep this succinct.

5.    Allow Them to Respond – It’s natural for them to be defensive - let them speak their peace.  Then remind them of the initial statements of fact and the “up-side” to it. 

6.    Work Toward Solutions – After the concerns are clear, ask them for their ideas/thoughts on improving the situation.  Be encouraging!  If they are stuck, or (once they have finished) if you have ideas that you’d like to share, ask permission to share your own thoughts/ideas for improving the situation.  When possible, weave these ideas with the “up-side” you’ve uncovered.

 

     CLOSING - Wrapping Things Up

7.    Demonstrate Your Support – Once a plan for (their) change has been decided, demonstrate your support by describing what you will be doing to help. 

8.    Show Gratitude - Thank them for meeting with you and working on this together.

Remember, change is hard.  The feedback meeting is only the first step in promoting and fostering change.  Be sure to check in on the situation regularly.  Follow-up both with the recipient of the feedback, and with those who may be more aware of any changes that are occurring. 

Honesty - Do You Have the Courage (to do it right)?

I have found that the biggest difference in a person's ability to manage conflicts in their own life stems from their courage to be honest. But, there is more than one way to be honest.   And most people do not choose the path that benefits both the person sharing their thoughts and the listener who has to take in the bit of honesty.

Honesty, used for the purpose of managing conflict, is thoughtful, careful, and complete.  It seeks to offer information with the presumption that this information will be enlightening and helpful to the other person. How is this different than what most people do?  Here are a few examples of the wrong kind of honesty and why it doesn't work: 
 

Being “brutally” honest – We’ve all experienced this one.  The words sting and we often don’t know what prompted them.  Brutal honesty suggests that one needs to injure the other person to bring about change.  While the receiver may get the correct message (they also may not), they also get with it a very negative association with the speaker and those who they believe may have influenced the speaker.  This impacts the likelihood and the type of change you will see.

Rambling or telling stories – Often in our desire to be gentle in our delivery, we muddle the information burying it with examples, stories, or our own insecurities.  Honesty takes courage.  Without it, the listener may fail to focus on exactly what you are sharing.  They are left to guess at the point of conversation.  Worst case scenario?  The person sharing may think his/her point is clear.  As a result, any lack of change may be seen as unwillingness by the recipient to make change, when in reality, s/he simply missed the point. 

Teasing the truth – Many people, out of their own discomfort with sharing difficult information will instead use teasing comments as “feedback” to the other person.  They may think their vocalized observations or sarcastic remarks are giving the other person a clear picture of what is wrong and what to change, but this rarely works.  Unfortunately, this option creates a combination of the problems noted in the two examples above; leaving both parties irritated and frustrated. 

A few pointers on how to do it better:

1. Be Kind – It’s hard to hear criticism.
2. Be Direct - Respect that the other person can handle the truth and give it to them.
3. Be Complete – Without story-telling, explain the problem and its impact.   

This is easier than you might think.  Most of the time, when a person is telling me what they wish they could tell the other person, they have in fact just done all those things.  So what makes it so hard to do with the real intended recipient?  I think it is our fear of having the conversation, coupled with our belief that the other person is knowingly or intentionally behaving in a way that upsets us.  In other words, we expect resistance or perhaps a fight.

So let me add a final pointer:

4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt – Believe that they don’t know, but do care about what you are about to tell them.

Honesty is such a beautiful tool in managing conflict and our relationships as a whole.  It’s something we all must learn to do well.