Why I Hate the Law

Do you know what I find frustrating?  Laws.  I find them frustrating because the effort to follow the law often neglects to bring resolution to the problem it’s intended to resolve.  My clients often engage me for this very reason.  They want to bring real change, but simply keeping with the law doesn’t get them there. 

Take for example AB1825, a law enacted in 2007 requiring Sexual Harassment training.  While businesses dutifully follow it, thereby demonstrating legal compliance, there has been no discernable drop in the prevalence of sexual harassment claims in the decade since its inception.  The EEOC study report on these findings was released this summer.  They also found that policies to address discrimination and harassment, though less studied, have similarly poor results. 

Sadly, none of this information surprises me.  Why?  Because AB1825 gave employers a single answer to a multi-faceted problem.  Much like many other laws, the outcomes were an afterthought.  And, once this ‘solution’ is given, businesses no longer have the same responsibility to figure it out for themselves. 

Of even greater concern, the law helps insulate the businesses from legal action.  As a result, businesses who are not inclined to improve, have even less reason for doing so.  The EEOC found evidence of this.  In fact, some of the most pernicious forms of discrimination and harassment were largely ignored by organizations as they were done at the hands of a “superstar”.  Rather than risk the loss of this rainmaker, businesses found ways to work around the problem, often by transferring victims or taking other steps to mollify them. 

So, what can a business owner or HR do?  Here is my multi-faceted suggestion that you can use to bring change to your workplace.

Clarify the Problem

As each business environment is as unique as the people working in it, begin by identifying the people or circumstances that are at the center of complaints.  Then ask yourself, What would need to be different for the problems to stop?  What could make the problems resurface?  As you ask these questions, you begin to hone in on what needs to be done.

Get Creative

Begin by brainstorming – with a small team of thoughtful individuals.  Initial ideas may look like those tried in the past, write them down but keep going and explore alternative ideas.  Create the goal of generating 10 new ideas.  Doing so forces out-of-the-box thinking and is likely to bring you novel and workable ideas. 

Test the Success

Enact the best solutions and see what happens.  Does change come?  Are there unexpected consequences?  Continue to work between creativity and testing out solutions until you find one that yields desired results without dire consequences.

Share Outcomes

The business world needs more ideas – so share what works.  Blog, speak or Post your ideas below!

Why do we let it go so far? How to have a “little conversation” that may improve your life.

I spent the majority of my career in corporate law. Accordingly, most of my experience (both professionally and personally) is with lawyers.  Interestingly, the majority of “big firm” lawyers that I know are desperately unhappy in their careers.

Like the US, the legal profession in Australia is highly respected and coveted, bearing a strong barrier to entry.   So why, once we’ve finally breached the walls of the bar and practiced for some time, are we often so miserable?  Note: this question relates to anyone in any career. 

  

I was also guilty of said unhappiness… in fact, after having started a career in mediation and conflict resolution consulting, I often refer to myself as a “reformed lawyer.”

This led me to ponder the reasons why I, countless other professionals (and perhaps, even you in your own career) persist with vocations that bring us little joy, and what we might do about it.  After all, we change the channel when we don’t like a TV show, we leave a partner when the relationship is no longer good for us and we move house when we feel that a neighborhood is no longer safe or desirable. So why then don’t we leave a job (or career) from which we gain little enjoyment or fulfillment?  

Of course, it is likely to be connected with financial concerns and issues including family, sense of self, stability, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. However, given that we spend more time in the office than we do at home, often seeing our colleagues more than we see our own family and friends, surely, the incentive to change jobs must weigh against that.  

Apparently not.

Instead, many of us remain disengaged.  We choose to “punch in” at work, day after day, making it a pastime to complain about our jobs, colleagues and how we are not living up to our potential (or perhaps how others, or the powers-that-be, prevent us from doing so). 

If you feel like this in your career, look for the “little conversations” or “small changes” that could bring a ray of light into what feels like an otherwise dark tunnel.

A former colleague experienced just that.  She shared that she had become increasingly disengaged in her role at work but continued to stay largely because of the pay and her hard-won reputation with colleagues and clients.  She acknowledged that her despondent attitude towards work had bled into her personal relationships as well as her energy for life.  She was starting to experience bouts of depression, weight gain and other difficulties – all stemming from her unhappiness at work. Even with this awareness, she chose not to do anything about it.

We talked about her decision to stay, and I asked her what, in an ideal world, she would love to do for work. Her eyes sparkled as she started to rapidly bounce around different ideas and thoughts on project management and changing the way in which things were done at her current organization. It seems she had never entertained the idea of finding her passion within her current job.  

This conversation became the necessary catalyst for change.  Soon after, my colleague reached out to share that she had found multiple opportunities to contribute and showcase her ideas, one of which was within her own organization! She was brimming with renewed energy.  

The key takeout is, even if we feel we can’t leave our job, we may be able to find a small (but significant) ray of light that makes our current role more palatable. 

Spend ten minutes considering what you enjoy and what makes you happy.  Examine how and where this joy could intersect with your role at work.  See if there is a “little conversation” that you could have with a work colleague, superior or HR that would allow you to incorporate a little of this happiness in your day-to-day life. Whether it is joining a new committee, attending a conference or learning a new language… any positive change (no matter how small) is movement in the right direction.  

Remember, to emphasize that this seemingly “small change” is likely to have a big impact on your professional life and outlook… potentially, making you more productive, dedicated and energized in your role.

D.I.Y. – A Plan for Culture Change

What’s your company’s culture?  I’m not asking what you want it to be, or what you tell your customers or clients.  I mean what are the day to day behaviors that are encouraged, rewarded and repeated by members of your team?  Is success based in camaraderie or cut-throat attitudes?  Do your foster teamwork or territorial behaviors?  An organization’s culture is not about what you say, but what you do.

As we start the New Year, this may be the perfect time to begin looking at making change, building upon what works, eliminating what doesn’t, and creating the culture your organization needs to succeed.  This isn’t about making a statement or creating a Phantom Culture.  This is about making deep, meaningful change.  Identifying and developing the culture that you want requires vision, planning, and commitment.

Vision – Know what you want the culture to be.  You may not be able to define the specifics, but you know that behaviors, attitudes, or teamwork will be different.  Have a vision, for how work will flow, people will function, and how business will be conducted.  As you determine your ideal, you can begin identifying what does, and does not, currently support that ideal.  Find your dream-team – those who are dedicated to creating that ideal.  They are needed to move any vision forward.

Planning – The vision is your end-game.  Planning is where you begin the work to get there.  Assemble your dream team and support them with time, space, and any other necessary tools to begin working toward that goal.  This team will need to work collaboratively to identify the specific qualities, in terms of behavior and performance, which will support the vision.  They will more fully imagine the vision, while refining the needs that the vision identified, and breaking them down into action steps.

Commitment – Having the vision, and carry-through of developing a plan will not change your culture unless you are committed to implementing it in every way possible.  Creating a culture and standing behind it means addressing those behavioral and performance standards during routine feedback, annual performance reviews, and everything in between.  It means holding every employee, at every level of the organization, accountable to that same standard, and it means making hard decisions when someone doesn’t “fit” your culture. 

Creating a new company culture is not simple or easy, but it yields impressive results.  When you identify and support your top performers, loyalty and productivity rise.  When you eliminate those on your staff who don’t demonstrate competency or accountability, you remove errors and stagnation.  A new culture allows you to promote the skills your organization needs to be its best, while removing the human hurdles that limit success.  The result - You create a dynamic team that can accomplish great things.  And who doesn’t want, and need, that? 

Giving Great (and REAL) Feedback

Wouldn’t it be great if giving feedback could promote better workplace relations, improve rapport, and also garner desired change?  It’s possible – and not all that hard.

Delivering feedback is a challenge not only facing managers and supervisors, but facing anyone who wants to tell another person that s/he needs to change.  The challenge for most people is that they don’t want to hurt, disappoint, shock, or anger the person they are informing.  Out of their own fear, most people tend 

to stumble through such an effort.  They are unclear, rambling, incomplete or even abrupt in their delivery.  The result being that both parties find the interaction painful or unsettling.  No wonder it’s something so many of us avoid.

I have found the following to be a truly functional way of delivering feedback:

BEFORE Giving the Feedback

1.    Do your homework – Giving useful feedback requires an understanding of the big picture.  So before giving criticism on someone’s time management for example, find out what is on their plate and from whom.  Find out what they believe to be the priorities and why. 

2.    Find the Good (for them) – You may be about to deliver them a blow, but what could be (or is) the upside for them?  For example, a manager is seen by peers as under-performing.  The upside is that others believe in his/her potential. 

3.    Set up a meeting – Sharing feedback is a conversation, not a quick or one-sided announcement.  Schedule time for you and the other person to speak.  Tell them (generally) what the conversation will be about.  For example, “…To discuss your work with our team.”  Make sure to schedule the meeting to last at least 30 minutes.  This signifies the importance of the meeting, and promotes the conversational element of it.

DURING – Make it a Conversation

4.    Begin with the Facts and Big Picture – When the meeting begins, don’t delay.  Explain why you are meeting with them, what the concerns/problems are, and give them the positive (“up-side”) to the feedback.  Describe it as such.  Keep this succinct.

5.    Allow Them to Respond – It’s natural for them to be defensive - let them speak their peace.  Then remind them of the initial statements of fact and the “up-side” to it. 

6.    Work Toward Solutions – After the concerns are clear, ask them for their ideas/thoughts on improving the situation.  Be encouraging!  If they are stuck, or (once they have finished) if you have ideas that you’d like to share, ask permission to share your own thoughts/ideas for improving the situation.  When possible, weave these ideas with the “up-side” you’ve uncovered.

 

     CLOSING - Wrapping Things Up

7.    Demonstrate Your Support – Once a plan for (their) change has been decided, demonstrate your support by describing what you will be doing to help. 

8.    Show Gratitude - Thank them for meeting with you and working on this together.

Remember, change is hard.  The feedback meeting is only the first step in promoting and fostering change.  Be sure to check in on the situation regularly.  Follow-up both with the recipient of the feedback, and with those who may be more aware of any changes that are occurring. 

Honesty - Do You Have the Courage (to do it right)?

I have found that the biggest difference in a person's ability to manage conflicts in their own life stems from their courage to be honest. But, there is more than one way to be honest.   And most people do not choose the path that benefits both the person sharing their thoughts and the listener who has to take in the bit of honesty.

Honesty, used for the purpose of managing conflict, is thoughtful, careful, and complete.  It seeks to offer information with the presumption that this information will be enlightening and helpful to the other person. How is this different than what most people do?  Here are a few examples of the wrong kind of honesty and why it doesn't work: 
 

Being “brutally” honest – We’ve all experienced this one.  The words sting and we often don’t know what prompted them.  Brutal honesty suggests that one needs to injure the other person to bring about change.  While the receiver may get the correct message (they also may not), they also get with it a very negative association with the speaker and those who they believe may have influenced the speaker.  This impacts the likelihood and the type of change you will see.

Rambling or telling stories – Often in our desire to be gentle in our delivery, we muddle the information burying it with examples, stories, or our own insecurities.  Honesty takes courage.  Without it, the listener may fail to focus on exactly what you are sharing.  They are left to guess at the point of conversation.  Worst case scenario?  The person sharing may think his/her point is clear.  As a result, any lack of change may be seen as unwillingness by the recipient to make change, when in reality, s/he simply missed the point. 

Teasing the truth – Many people, out of their own discomfort with sharing difficult information will instead use teasing comments as “feedback” to the other person.  They may think their vocalized observations or sarcastic remarks are giving the other person a clear picture of what is wrong and what to change, but this rarely works.  Unfortunately, this option creates a combination of the problems noted in the two examples above; leaving both parties irritated and frustrated. 

A few pointers on how to do it better:

1. Be Kind – It’s hard to hear criticism.
2. Be Direct - Respect that the other person can handle the truth and give it to them.
3. Be Complete – Without story-telling, explain the problem and its impact.   

This is easier than you might think.  Most of the time, when a person is telling me what they wish they could tell the other person, they have in fact just done all those things.  So what makes it so hard to do with the real intended recipient?  I think it is our fear of having the conversation, coupled with our belief that the other person is knowingly or intentionally behaving in a way that upsets us.  In other words, we expect resistance or perhaps a fight.

So let me add a final pointer:

4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt – Believe that they don’t know, but do care about what you are about to tell them.

Honesty is such a beautiful tool in managing conflict and our relationships as a whole.  It’s something we all must learn to do well.

Preschool Wisdom meets the Modern Workplace

Developing teams who work well together and support one another is an on-going challenge – and a frequent topic of my articles. However I recently recognized a way to address that challenge that’s so simple it brings to mind the popular book of nearly 25 years ago, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum.

The revelation is based on an activity at my daughter's school which keeps kids connected and engaged, (qualities all employers want of their staff) while bolstering their self-esteem and giving them opportunities to be a leader (qualities that are difficult to both develop and assess). The activity is Share Day, and here’s how it works: Each child has an assigned time when he or she gets to share something with his classmates – by way of show and tell, and they get to ask questions about it. Through this activity the children get to know each other better, learn of their shared interests, and develop a level of interpersonal appreciation and respect for one another.

Apply that lesson to a business setting and the outcomes could be far greater. Share Day would facilitate staff in getting to know one another beyond the scope of their work. It would create an atmosphere of understanding and compassion, which translates into better workplace relations and stronger teamwork. It can help shy and quiet staff to connect with their coworkers, and it creates a platform for developing – and recognizing - natural leaders that others will follow.

There’s more good news. Share Day creates a specified time and place for engaging in personal conversation. This means staff would know when they get to share, and likewise, when not to share. Share Day presents staff with an appropriate place to talk about their recent accomplishment, to brag about their kids, or to share good or bad news that is affecting them. Rather than sending non-work related emails, this would be the forum in which staff could talk about their recent vacation, ask for sponsors for the marathon they'll be running, or to buy cookies for their child's scouting troop.

Here are a few guidelines for implementing Share Day at your company or organization:

1. Incorporate "sharing" into team meetings, either as the warm up, or as a way of closing the meeting.
2. Limit Share Day groups to a maximum of 12 people. If you have more than that, the team should be divided into logical groups based upon who staff work most closely with.
3. Limit each person’s sharing to 5-7 minutes. Lunch and breaks are the time for added sharing if desired.
4. Share Day does not need to be a part of every meeting, but should occur about once a month.
5. Each person should be allowed (and scheduled) to “share” about once a quarter.
6. Strongly encourage all staff to participate when it is their turn. Allowing staff to opt out will likely cause other staff to feel vulnerable or judged by their peers and ultimately undermine your goal of improving teamwork and employee relations.
7. Have a kick-off meeting in which staff help in creating rules for Share Day.

Remember that the immediate goal is to help staff bond. Bonding yields trust, better workplace relations, higher productivity, greater loyalty, lower turnover, etc. If you follow the guidelines above, you are spending less than 20 minutes a month on staff relations, and likely yielding a huge return on that small investment.

Is Therapy Helping?

My expertise as a mediator and conflict resolution professional is buttressed by my background as a counselor, my insights about therapy, and my knowledge of people and their "blind-spots".  Read on to to determine if you're getting what you need out of therapy.

 

For some, when you've been in therapy for a while, you wonder if you're really getting the help you need.   Ask yourself, have you:

•   Been going for months but are unsure if you’ve made any progress?
•   Arrived at each session wondering what you are going to talk about?
•   Lost track of the goals you are targeting?

If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions, you’re probably not getting what you need out of therapy, and this article is for you.

What to Expect From Therapy

Therapy is Meant to Provide Change

Often people engaged in therapy find their sessions have become a way to vent their troubles and their frustrations.  And, many counselors are willing to let their client meander through therapy in this manner rather than focusing on the reasons their client is seeking help.  To get focused, ask yourself, why am I going to therapy?  What do I need help with?  It can be as simple as saying "I'm unhappy”, but then the spotlight of your therapy needs to be recapturing what makes you “happy".  An hour of complaining may make you feel better temporarily, but commiserating with a friend will often provide that same relief.  Therapy is intended to have a deeper and more profound impact by identifying the reasons you are stuck in an unhappy place.

Therapy is More Than an Hour a Week

Most people who meet with their therapist for one hour a week think that they are working on themselves. In reality, they are kidding themselves.  The truth of the matter is that the hour in session is just the starting point of your therapy.  The work of the patient is full-time.  When you are not in session, you need to focus on your issues, problems, and goals.  Think about what was discussed during the session, and further explore your own issues.

Therapy is Relatively Fast

While each of us has unique problems, and while there is no time-line for getting those problems worked out, the results of therapy should begin to reveal themselves fairly quickly. In my opinion, most patients should see some level of results within their first 5 sessions.  Result does not mean improvement - it means you feel change is underway.  Your therapist is helping reveal you to yourself (see below), and as a result changing the way you think, and the way you see the world.

Therapy Helps to Reveal Things that are Hidden

There are the things we know, the things we don't know, and the things we don't know that we don't know. That last group would best be referred to as "blind-spots" and we all have them.  These blind-spots are the crux of most therapy, as a therapist's role is to guide you and help you to learn about yourself, by uncovering these unknowns.  As you do, change comes easy.

What to Expect from Your Therapist

Challenges to Your Thinking and Your Viewpoint

We all think we are normal and believe that the rest of the world views things the same way as we do. Unfortunately, our perspective is skewed by our own individual life experiences. This returns to the concept of "blind-spots".   A counselor's role is to discuss both what you think, and why you think it.   By examining the distortions within our own reality, we are impacted in the way we view the world and therefore the way that we live.  

Being Pushed 

Your therapist is not there to be your friend. She must do more than listen and nod her head.  If you aren't talking about important topics, she should push you to do so. Ultimately, your therapist's role is to help you see yourself more clearly.  Does your view of yourself (or the world) match others?  Do you see things in a distorted way?  A therapist needs to do more than listen.  She needs to challenge you to examine your own thought processes.

Homework

As I mentioned before, therapy does not end at the end of your session time.  Whether it is described as "homework" or not, you should always leave therapy with new things to explore, new things to think about.  A therapist might ask you a question during your session that you can’t answer.  Something as simple as "Why do you think that way about ...?"  If you don’t know, finding out is your homework. As soon as you leave the session, before you even drive back to the office or your home, write down that question.  Make it a point to think about that question until you have an answer.  I recommend doing this "homework" alone -don't cheat by asking others for the answer to your question.  Start your next session by discussing this self-revelation with your therapist.

Choosing the Right Therapist (or improving therapy with the one you have now)

Selecting a Therapist

Like choosing a professional in any arena -you should ask some basic questions to get a feel for the person, and to decide if you want to give them a shot. Remember, the ultimate test is how you feel when you begin working with them.   It's perfectly acceptable to have one or two sessions with a therapist before you fully commit to working with him.  However, you do need to begin your work during those initial sessions - if you don't then you can't judge the ability of that therapist to help you.  Remember, you're looking for someone you can trust and who shows insight into your world, you are not looking for your new best friend.

Getting Back on Track with Your Current Therapist

Most of us don't like to start over, and often times there are ways to improve the relationship with your current therapist.  For starters, you’ll need to speak with her about your desire to make real change.  Then clearly and honestly communicate with her about what you want, and perhaps the changes you'd like her to make.  If you want her to be more direct with you, say so.  If you need to be pushed to open up, tell her.  Most therapists will happily make such style changes - after all your success is their success.