Why do we let it go so far? How to have a “little conversation” that may improve your life.

I spent the majority of my career in corporate law. Accordingly, most of my experience (both professionally and personally) is with lawyers.  Interestingly, the majority of “big firm” lawyers that I know are desperately unhappy in their careers.

Like the US, the legal profession in Australia is highly respected and coveted, bearing a strong barrier to entry.   So why, once we’ve finally breached the walls of the bar and practiced for some time, are we often so miserable?  Note: this question relates to anyone in any career. 

  

I was also guilty of said unhappiness… in fact, after having started a career in mediation and conflict resolution consulting, I often refer to myself as a “reformed lawyer.”

This led me to ponder the reasons why I, countless other professionals (and perhaps, even you in your own career) persist with vocations that bring us little joy, and what we might do about it.  After all, we change the channel when we don’t like a TV show, we leave a partner when the relationship is no longer good for us and we move house when we feel that a neighborhood is no longer safe or desirable. So why then don’t we leave a job (or career) from which we gain little enjoyment or fulfillment?  

Of course, it is likely to be connected with financial concerns and issues including family, sense of self, stability, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. However, given that we spend more time in the office than we do at home, often seeing our colleagues more than we see our own family and friends, surely, the incentive to change jobs must weigh against that.  

Apparently not.

Instead, many of us remain disengaged.  We choose to “punch in” at work, day after day, making it a pastime to complain about our jobs, colleagues and how we are not living up to our potential (or perhaps how others, or the powers-that-be, prevent us from doing so). 

If you feel like this in your career, look for the “little conversations” or “small changes” that could bring a ray of light into what feels like an otherwise dark tunnel.

A former colleague experienced just that.  She shared that she had become increasingly disengaged in her role at work but continued to stay largely because of the pay and her hard-won reputation with colleagues and clients.  She acknowledged that her despondent attitude towards work had bled into her personal relationships as well as her energy for life.  She was starting to experience bouts of depression, weight gain and other difficulties – all stemming from her unhappiness at work. Even with this awareness, she chose not to do anything about it.

We talked about her decision to stay, and I asked her what, in an ideal world, she would love to do for work. Her eyes sparkled as she started to rapidly bounce around different ideas and thoughts on project management and changing the way in which things were done at her current organization. It seems she had never entertained the idea of finding her passion within her current job.  

This conversation became the necessary catalyst for change.  Soon after, my colleague reached out to share that she had found multiple opportunities to contribute and showcase her ideas, one of which was within her own organization! She was brimming with renewed energy.  

The key takeout is, even if we feel we can’t leave our job, we may be able to find a small (but significant) ray of light that makes our current role more palatable. 

Spend ten minutes considering what you enjoy and what makes you happy.  Examine how and where this joy could intersect with your role at work.  See if there is a “little conversation” that you could have with a work colleague, superior or HR that would allow you to incorporate a little of this happiness in your day-to-day life. Whether it is joining a new committee, attending a conference or learning a new language… any positive change (no matter how small) is movement in the right direction.  

Remember, to emphasize that this seemingly “small change” is likely to have a big impact on your professional life and outlook… potentially, making you more productive, dedicated and energized in your role.

What Matters Most (to me)?

I have a novel approach to the New Year’s Resolution and it’s my own goal for 2014.  Forget the typical resolutions.  My plan?  To do less, to take on less, and with that goal - to be more present.

It sounds easy, but I think this will be one of my hardest resolutions yet.  It starts by taking stock of what I am doing.  Here’s what I know:  I am busy – to a near chaotic level – most of the time.  I don’t even know what’s taking up my time.  Is it purposeful?  Is it necessary? 
And I see it all around me.  We are better connected worldwide, and yet less connected to those we see face to face: our neighbors, co-workers, and friends.  We can shop online at any time day or night (saving us time, right?) but are too busy to get together with those we care about. 

In my own life I recognize other elements.  I don’t sleep enough.  I feel compromised in spending time with my husband and children.  And yet I still feel pushed to do more. 

Perhaps you are experiencing the same pressures on your time, and feeling the same need to evaluate.

Here’s my plan (at least the start of it). 

1.      Take stock of what I’m doing now.  I’m going to take one week (nights and weekends included) to pay attention to the details of how I spend my time.  I will jot down notes throughout each day of what I am doing with my time.  I will likewise make a list of those less frequent but often time-consuming activities like managing my QuickBooks.

2.      Charting and categorizing.  Next I’m going to set aside a day to pour over those notes.  I’m going to create categories to identify how my time is spent, and how much time is spent on each activity.  I will also jot down the purpose (short or long term) for engaging in each behavior, and its potential value to me or others. 

3.      Analyze the results.  Now seeing where and how my time is spent, where do changes need to be made?  Am I spending too much time on a particular business activity?  Do I have a good balance between personal time and business time?  Am I operating on each during the right hours of the day?  Are my activities necessary and purposeful?  Am I wasting time online?  So many questions that I cannot answer until I survey my time.

4.      Identify what I want.  Once I know what I am doing, it’s easier to evaluate what I’d like to be doing (with a realistic sense of how I currently spend my time).  How much time do I want to spend on business activities?  Do I want to devote nights and weekends exclusively to family?  How often do I want to go to the gym?  What does my preferred week (hour by hour) really look like?

5.      Create a new plan (I hope this part will be fun). Once I identify what I am doing, and what I’d like to be doing, I hope to be able to create a schedule that works for me.  Perhaps this will be liberating as I realize that I don’t have time to participate in that discussion group I felt pressured to join, or to attend that function clear across town.  It may also mean committing to an undisturbed four hours of prep time for a program that I typically spend six hours preparing.  As I become aware of how my time is spent, compared to how I’d like to spend it, I can make those tough decisions without feeling compromised.

6.      Making it work.  In creating a new plan, I also need to find a way to make it workable.  I’ll look to see what activities can be delegated to others.  Perhaps a subordinate can do the research; another parent can maintain the volunteer list; my husband can do the grocery shopping.  Other items may need to be released.  Maybe I need to limit my time connecting with friends/colleagues on social media, give up writing a fresh article for each newsletter I write, or stop using QuickBooks to account for every dollar I spend.

7.      Making peace with my choices.  As I choose what to change, delegate or let go of, I am sure to experience feelings of sadness or frustration.  Change is hard.  But I must also take stock of what I will be getting in exchange for these sacrifices:  A better work/life balance; a clearer sense of my own purposeful activity; more time with my husband and children. 

I have a hunch that as I manage my way through these 7 steps, I will start to feel more in control of my time and happier with my daily activities.  Whether you need to make changes personally, professionally, or (like me) across the board, choosing to do less may be the best choice you can make.

As Cyndi Lauper sang, “Girls just wanna have fun.” But do we know how?

Ladies, let’s face it.  We are often frustrated by the things men “get away with” both in our personal and in our business lives.  We feel angry, disenfranchised, over-looked, or under-appreciated.  Especially if we compare our work to theirs, and feel that we are doing more.  But what is really happening?  Are men really “getting away with it”, or are we merely taking on huge, unnecessary, and possibly unwanted burdens in the name of getting things done?

The reality is that women like to get things done.  That isn’t to say that men don’t.  But we go about it in a very different way – we plan.  We make lists, organize and arrange our day to be sure that everything on our “to-do” list is completed.  When working or teaming with others (especially our spouse or other family members), we check-in to determine if things are going as planned – often ready to jump in (and take over) if they are not.  We plan everything we can - our time, our activities, and even our contingency plans for things that could go wrong.  But does any of this really bring us happiness?  Or does all of this thinking and planning just go hand in hand with stress, worrying, and feeling unfairly burdened? 

More importantly, why do so many women share in this experience and how did we get this way?  To understand it better, we need to look beyond our current situation and to our evolutionary beginnings in the hunter and gatherer societies.    

Men – as hunters – were programmed to focus on two particular tasks…hunting and procreation.  Their survival, and that of their gene pool, was largely based on their ability to find a mate, and to take care of and protect themselves.  Their relationship with other hunters was predominantly competitive as each was seeking the same limited resources.

Women were the gatherers in these prehistoric times.  Gatherers scavenged for easier to obtain foods like nuts and berries.  They had to maintain a broad focus and detailed memory of where to find these precious resources, season after season.  Gatherers also preserved a cooperative spirit with other gatherers as their survival and that of their progeny necessitated that they cared for each others offspring, shared food sources, and warned one another of animal predators. 

In this way, Gatherers had to multitask and socialize just to survive the day – just as Hunters had to maintain solitary focus and take care of themselves in order to do so.  Looking at it in modern times, things are much the same.  Women tend to jump in and help out – at times taking on the work of others.  We are quick to apologize as social relations are important.  And we enjoy a lot of communication.  Men on the other hand are highly competitive, not likely to worry about their social impact, and are content to simply take care of themselves – and procreate. 

So ladies, what can we do?

Since feeling over-burdened is, at least in part, something we bring on ourselves, than surely we can also make some changes.  Here are a few ideas:

1.      Decide when you’ve done enough.  Yes, even if things aren’t done, have a cut-off point, but recognize that this doesn’t mean anyone else will do the rest.  To determine your cut-off point, ask yourself in each situation, how important/valuable the outcome will be, and compare that to the value of taking care of yourself.

2.      Let others be responsible for themselves.  Don’t check in on the progress of others unless you genuinely need to know.  No more hovering over your children regarding homework, your spouse regarding household duties, or your co-workers concerning project updates.  Recognize that it is not your job to oversee the work of others.  Imagine what they might learn or achieve if you step back.

3.      Enjoy the moment.  Men are much better at this than women are. All our planning and scheduling leaves us living in the future.  Find ways to embrace the moment – even if everything on your to-do list is not done.  Reprioritize what matters most to you, and keep true to that list instead.

4.      Recognize your own core nature.  We evolved by taking care of others, so this isn’t something we’re likely to be able to release without experiencing some stress.  However, the above suggestions should help you to step back a bit more, letting others be in charge of their own destiny.  If you do, you just may reap the rewards of feeling a little happier, a bit more relaxed, and even experiencing a little bit of fun.