We Must Connect – (Let’s make it our New Year’s Resolution)

I am frustrated.  We’re all frustrated.  And sad.  And angry.  And feeling so painfully helpless.  We point our angry, helpless finger at seemingly responsible aspects of our society:  Gun legislation, mental health issues, and violence in the media.  We point a finger and place blame, all the while neglecting to notice the bigger issue, the one in which we are all responsible and can all make an impact – the need to foster and heal our own relationships.

We are losing our ability to make profound and important connections, even with those we love most.   Most concerningly, with the youngest members of our society - children.  Where does this void lead them?  Isolation, depression, acting out?   And in some sad situations, it has the ability to lead to extreme behaviors as well.  This may not mean picking up a gun…but it might mean finding ways to “connect” that involve illicit drugs, or joining fringe groups that fill a missing sense of belonging.  It may mean suicidal behaviors.

We see children of all ages detached from their families – playing on handheld devices of various forms.  Parents, grandparents, and other caregivers do the same as they text and connect with others while their children shout, “Watch me! Watch me!”  And these children get older, having never fully adopted healthy skills of social interaction.  Their fractured ability to connect is evident as they fail to interact with their peers – often texting in lieu of face to face interactions.  I fail to see any upside to this.

Are we – collectively - raising a generation of detached children?  A generation who are profoundly more detached that any previous one due to our behaviors and choices.  “I don’t have kids” you say.  But no doubt you grew up making eye contact with people other than your parents.  You still do this today, though probably not as routinely, because you learned how.  We all need to get back to this.  We all have a stake in the game when we too are at risk of experiencing violent or deadly behaviors.

An FBI study of shooter incidents in the United States from 2000 – 2013 shows an alarming trend of an increased frequency of such incidents.  What else has changed drastically in that time period?  Not gun ownership, not mental health issues.  What has changed is our use of and reliance on social media.  In fact it has grown with exponential force. 

As a society we need to bring change.  None of us can excuse our own behavior when it involves using our smart phone while in the company of others.  Whether we know the people we are with or not.  We must realize that we are a part of the problem and a part of the solution.  Failing to do so is damaging the fabric of our society, and with each new act of violence, we feel our safety compromised, and the rug being ripped out from underneath us a bit more.  We must connect.

Why do we let it go so far? How to have a “little conversation” that may improve your life.

I spent the majority of my career in corporate law. Accordingly, most of my experience (both professionally and personally) is with lawyers.  Interestingly, the majority of “big firm” lawyers that I know are desperately unhappy in their careers.

Like the US, the legal profession in Australia is highly respected and coveted, bearing a strong barrier to entry.   So why, once we’ve finally breached the walls of the bar and practiced for some time, are we often so miserable?  Note: this question relates to anyone in any career. 

  

I was also guilty of said unhappiness… in fact, after having started a career in mediation and conflict resolution consulting, I often refer to myself as a “reformed lawyer.”

This led me to ponder the reasons why I, countless other professionals (and perhaps, even you in your own career) persist with vocations that bring us little joy, and what we might do about it.  After all, we change the channel when we don’t like a TV show, we leave a partner when the relationship is no longer good for us and we move house when we feel that a neighborhood is no longer safe or desirable. So why then don’t we leave a job (or career) from which we gain little enjoyment or fulfillment?  

Of course, it is likely to be connected with financial concerns and issues including family, sense of self, stability, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. However, given that we spend more time in the office than we do at home, often seeing our colleagues more than we see our own family and friends, surely, the incentive to change jobs must weigh against that.  

Apparently not.

Instead, many of us remain disengaged.  We choose to “punch in” at work, day after day, making it a pastime to complain about our jobs, colleagues and how we are not living up to our potential (or perhaps how others, or the powers-that-be, prevent us from doing so). 

If you feel like this in your career, look for the “little conversations” or “small changes” that could bring a ray of light into what feels like an otherwise dark tunnel.

A former colleague experienced just that.  She shared that she had become increasingly disengaged in her role at work but continued to stay largely because of the pay and her hard-won reputation with colleagues and clients.  She acknowledged that her despondent attitude towards work had bled into her personal relationships as well as her energy for life.  She was starting to experience bouts of depression, weight gain and other difficulties – all stemming from her unhappiness at work. Even with this awareness, she chose not to do anything about it.

We talked about her decision to stay, and I asked her what, in an ideal world, she would love to do for work. Her eyes sparkled as she started to rapidly bounce around different ideas and thoughts on project management and changing the way in which things were done at her current organization. It seems she had never entertained the idea of finding her passion within her current job.  

This conversation became the necessary catalyst for change.  Soon after, my colleague reached out to share that she had found multiple opportunities to contribute and showcase her ideas, one of which was within her own organization! She was brimming with renewed energy.  

The key takeout is, even if we feel we can’t leave our job, we may be able to find a small (but significant) ray of light that makes our current role more palatable. 

Spend ten minutes considering what you enjoy and what makes you happy.  Examine how and where this joy could intersect with your role at work.  See if there is a “little conversation” that you could have with a work colleague, superior or HR that would allow you to incorporate a little of this happiness in your day-to-day life. Whether it is joining a new committee, attending a conference or learning a new language… any positive change (no matter how small) is movement in the right direction.  

Remember, to emphasize that this seemingly “small change” is likely to have a big impact on your professional life and outlook… potentially, making you more productive, dedicated and energized in your role.