Have Tough Information to Share? Think About Telling a Good Joke

The secret to telling a good joke is in the delivery and the timing. The same can be said for many of the most challenging things we need to communicate. Whether it’s giving feedback, describing a

problem behavior, or telling someone they’ve hurt you, all of these uncomfortable conversations walk the fine line between offering helpful advice, and giving hurtful criticism. The easiest way to control how your message is received is to plan the right delivery.

Begin by setting the stage
Before a comedian begins his routine, he makes sure you’re seated, ready to listen, and hopefully in a good mood (thank you warm-up act). Staging is needed for difficult conversations as well. Rather than ambush the message recipient, make an appointment with him/her to talk, and give the gist of what you want to talk about. You might say, “Bob, I’d like to talk to you about that project that’s behind schedule, when do you have time this week to meet?” This allows the other person to be in the right mental state when you do sit down to meet, and keeps them (or you) from being caught off guard by an impromptu discussion.

Have the right intentions
A comedian wants you to laugh and have a good time – but that doesn’t keep him from saying things that may cross the line. When delivering difficult information, make sure your intentions are pure and are kind. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Believe s/he didn’t intend a problem, or know what they did was hurtful. Have the mindset that your purpose is to build their awareness or help them to change.

Tell the story
A comedian doesn’t start with the punch-line, he builds up to it. By telling a story, he helps you to see things from his perspective, and therefore creates a stronger impact. The same is true when giving difficult information or feedback. Don’t drop it like a bomb and expect a favorable response. Similarly, don’t expect the other person to talk first. Do you laugh before you hear the joke? You are bringing the problem forward, so it is your responsibility to explain it to the other person. Tell the story. Explain the problem with your observations and from your point of view. Help the other person come alongside you and recognize why you are bringing this to their attention.

Wait for the response
Have you ever noticed how a comedian pauses to give the audience a chance to laugh? In giving difficult news, you should expect a response from the listener. Welcome it. Ask for it. Pause for it. Until the other person responds, you won’t know if the message was understood or accepted.

Delivering difficult information is never funny - however it can be productive, even positive, if you handle it like a pro.

Five Indicators of Great Teams

Have you read Patrick Lencioni’s best-seller The Five Dysfunctions of a Team? I find it to be a terrific guide for creating great leadership, teamwork, and group cohesion, but I also imagine where the most doubts are raised. Below are some of the more controversial behaviors that Lencioni encourages – along with my brief explanation about its purpose, value and importance.

1. Team members are passionate and unguarded in their discussion of issues.
We think we want and encourage this, but how often do your meetings instead involve polite exchanges, quiet attention, and cautious questioning? A truly provocative and open discussion makes it possible to learn about problems, ask for details, offer ideas, and present challenges. All of which ultimately improve decision making and problem resolution. If your meetings are ruled by polite behavior, chances are your team is not fully engaged.

2. Morale is significantly affected by the failure to achieve team goals.
High-morale is the workplace equivalent of high self –esteem. In neither arena can the sense of worth be given. Morale must be achieved. While we want our teams to experience high morale – lowered morale due to problems or failures is not only normal, but healthy. It pushes teams to work harder to create a successful outcome. Morale is affected by our sense of purpose and remains high when we feel we are on the right path and making progress.

3. Team members are deeply concerned about the prospect of letting down their peers.
Consider this as a healthy form of peer pressure. When staff feels compelled to prove themselves to their team, they work harder to achieve. This sense of connectivity and interpersonal responsibility also lends itself to a shared appreciation for the efforts and attention each person puts into the project, ultimately creating a stronger and more cohesive team.

4. Team members know about one another’s personal lives and are comfortable discussing them.
First, a disclaimer for those concerned about HIPAA and other legislative mandates: The openness this refers to is not artificial or required, but occurs naturally and is an indication of trust and respect.
The healthiest of teams are aware of each others’ strengths and weaknesses – both within and beyond the office setting. They share important details about an ailing parent, a health condition, or even a pending adoption. Through sharing they create an otherwise unattainable level of understanding, allowing them to graciously pitch in or ask for help when a personal challenge interferes with their professional efforts.

5. Team members challenge one another about their plans and approaches.
While many teams have members who operate with “Mind your own business” independence, truly successful teams have members who welcome the broader attention of the group. Such teams are apt to consider divergent points of view, and to expect discussion before decision making. The result is clear - Mistakes are often avoided, good plans become better, and all participants become active stakeholders in the decision making process.

Creating healthy teams takes time. Developing trust and a willingness to engage in constructive conflict and communication are important steps along that path.

Teamwork - the Holy Grail?

Is finding the right combination of people a bit like searching for the Holy Grail when attempting to create strong and productive teams? Does there always seem to be one misfit or a pair of individuals who just can't get along?

Whether it's a team of two, or a group of twenty, establishing cohesiveness among team members is a vital, yet elusive, component for success. Teams cannot be forced or artificially created.

So what's the answer? Rather than attempting to create perfection from the outset, or directing people to "work as a team" when clearly they cannot, instead develop naturally positive and constructive teams by removing the hurdles that preclude their success.

Essential Attributes for Team Success:

Fairness - This is achieved when all the participants of a team perceive that the task is being handled fairly, and that their required contributions are reasonable and appropriate. On a team, fairness yields cooperation.

Responsibility - Each member of the team takes charge of his own role in the project. Staff knows what they are responsible to do, and make the necessary choices and decisions to be sure that their part of the project is aptly carried out. You'll know this is missing when staff pass the buck or make decisions that damage or undermine other elements of the project (or the company).

Reliability - Here every member of the team recognizes that s/he can depend on the rest of the group. Personal accountability is increased as each makes sure her part of the project is done correctly and completely so as not to let other members of the team down.

Honesty - Mistakes happen and things go awry, but knowing that others will be honest at all times makes the challenge of dealing with these unknowns less daunting. When others are up front, team members have the freedom to focus on their task at hand, rather than fear what they don't know. A fearless team can accomplish great things.

While these four components are necessary for authentic teamwork to emerge, a fifth element deserves mention, and that is TRUST. As in any relationship, trust is attained over time. When staff has experienced the other four attributes being religiously followed, trust will naturally take form.

While excellent teams will evolve as FAIRNESS, RESPONSIBILITY, RELIABILITY AND HONESTY are exhibited; it is TRUST that catapults teams into an unbreakable cycle of success.

The first step to unleashing the true potential of your team? Find out what's holding them back.

Top 5 Challenges Impacting Teamwork

A healthy and positive working team is at the heart of most successful projects. Creating such a team begins with the individual well versed in the art of building relationships, and who understands the value of each team member.

But winning teams also face challenges. Being aware of the most common issues hindering teamwork and damaging positive working relations is a vital component of effective team management.

To get you started, we have identified the Top 5 Challenges Impacting Teamwork and putting a business at risk:

1. Changes in Staff (down-sizing) - When layoffs or turnover lead to the down-sizing of staff the impact is felt by all those who would otherwise "team" with those lost individuals. Staff not only experience a heavier workload, but may be asked to take on more responsibilities. They will have to re-establish their way of getting the job done, while suffering the loss of any friendships they've built.
Creating a sense of teamwork is an essential step to rebuilding the strength of the team.

2. Changes in Staff (hiring) - Not unlike down-sizing, adding to the team frequently causes employees to experience diminished teamwork. Adjusting to new personalities is only the start. Changes in responsibility if tasks are re-assigned and the inevitable concerns of being replaced may lead to lower levels of cooperation and create challenges for maintaining business functionality. As new lines are drawn, staff must adapt to the changes in their team.

3. New Project - A new project requires that the right group of people, with the right body of knowledge and the right amount of direction are working in harmony together. With such tenuous factors at play, how well the team functions is both a measurement of their individual strengths and their interpersonal compatibility. If flaws in their relationships emerge, teamwork issues will undermine the success of the project.

4. New Business Partnership/Alliance - Much like a new project, establishing an alliance or partnership necessitates the forming of a new team, but with the added challenge of assembling participants together who have independent goals or purposes. Creating a healthy level of cooperation and collaboration requires that participants establish deep levels of trust prior to beginning their joint venture.

5. Team Alignment - The most common struggle with teamwork comes not from change or upheaval, but from the routine problems that have yet to be addressed or which have proved difficult to resolve. Issues with team alignment can be recognized by the ineffective staff meetings, the department with a divided staff, and by the team members who point fingers of blame when a deadline is missed or a project goes awry. A cohesive and united team is distinguished by their natural level of cooperation, collegial attitude towards other members of their team, and by their ability to reach goals and meet deadlines.

As with any relationship, maintaining a healthy team is an on-going activity.

When working with teams, you don't get to check a box and say you're done or walk away once you've re-established a level of stability. You can however enjoy the benefits of your effort. By addressing teamwork issues you will notice staff become happier and more cooperative; turnover and complaints become minimized; and productivity and growth, which had been hampered by these issues, can finally be maximized.

Getting Them to Be Honest

People often ask how I get people to tell me things that they won't share with their manager, boss, or Human Resources. Part of my success is certainly that as an outsider, I present much less of a threat to an employee or staff member. Another reason may be an esoteric quality I bring that makes people feel safe. But beyond those intangibles which I cannot help you to acquire, here are six tips for bringing about complete and honest responses from those you desire.

Getting Them to Be Honest

1. Start by trusting them- In an effort to be discrete or to investigate a problem, Managers and HR often withhold their reasons for asking questions of staff. This creates a level of fear and discomfort in the employee, as it says, "Trust me" but not so subtly says, "I don't trust you". If you want your staff to trust you, start by trusting them. Before you begin asking them a list of questions, tell them as much as you can about what you're investigating and why their involvement is important. If you can't give full disclosure, help them to understand the reasons you can't say more.

2. Tell them why it's important - What is obvious to you may be obscured to someone else. If you want to know the truth, make sure the other person understands why you need to know. For example, if you're asking about an employee's work hours you may get resistance or half-truths due to fear that you're investigating claims for over-time. If you explained that due to recent crime in the area you want to create a "buddy-system" where no one leaves the building alone, you would receive a much warmer and more honest response.

3. Address their reasons for holding back
As you share what you can with your staff, address the known reasons they might resist sharing information with you. Step into their shoes. Could they be afraid of retribution? If the information they share leads to termination of another employee, will they benefit or be hurt by that change? Knowing why they would hold back allows you to attend to that resistance, and make them more comfortable in sharing what they know.

4. Confront dishonesty
We can all sense when someone isn't forthcoming or truthful with us. (By that same token, so can they! See tip #1). Confront this directly but respectfully, and avoid making accusations. I address this by saying - "I'm having a hard time believing...." Or "I'm sorry, that doesn't make sense to me". Then I press them to explain the situation better or differently.

5. Remove judgment
In asking for honesty, we're sometimes asking people to be vulnerable to us. When they must admit to a mistake, a lie, a bad decision, or an embarrassing detail, they are much more likely to do so if they feel safe. While you may not always be able to provide confidentiality or protection, you should always be able to offer acceptance and understanding. I find this, when done with complete sincerity, will help almost anyone to tell the truth.

6. Let them know of consequences
Sometimes there are consequences to what someone tells you. They may be in jeopardy, a co-worker or boss could get into trouble. When there is a consequence lingering, tell them what it is before you ask for the truth. The purpose here is not to threaten but to allay fear. Most of us fear the unknown much more than the known; by giving them this information, you help them to decide if they can cope with the aftermath. Sharing information about the consequence also works to establish trust and shows you respect their ability to come forward even in light of an unpleasant outcome.

As you work to establish trust in your workforce, keep in mind that fear is the biggest impediment to honesty. As you succeed in your efforts to dispel fear, you will be rewarded with the trust and honesty you seek.

Quick Tips to Prevent Conflict

Are you living in a Home Owners Association (HOA)?

Are you familiar with your Associations responsibility to provide IDR - Internal Dispute Resolution?

California Civil Code §1363.830 requires an Association provide a fair, reasonable and expeditious procedure for resolving disputes between the association and its members without charging a fee to the member participating in the process.

This means that any member of an HOA, who has a dispute with the Board, has the right to a conflict resolution process; and the cost must be borne by the Association.

Keep your Association costs down and consensus high by following these 4 Tips to Preventing Conflict:


1. Listen - Part of listening is working toward understanding. As a board member you may be tired of hearing complaints or the same old argument from a homeowner. Rather than tuning the person out, if you keep hearing the same information, ask him/her "What about that is important to you?" or "What am I not understanding about your concern?" You may not always learn something of critical importance, but by making the other person feel heard, you will give them peace of mind that you understand their concern.

2. Restate - Closely tied with listening, restating proves to the other person that clarity and understanding have been achieved. In the absence of this effort, others may view disagreement as misunderstanding - and continue to try to explain their position or concern. Restating does not imply agreement, but comprehension, and works both ways to ensure that communication is clearly articulated and understood. Restating may sound like this, "You're saying that... did I get that right?" Use restating whenever disagreements spark to be sure that the problem isn't simply miscommunication.

3. Make Requests not Demands - The moment you tell someone they 'have to do', or 'aren't allowed to do' something, they resist. It harkens back to our childhood and our desire for independence. We fight back and make emotional, not rational decisions. However, when you request that they do, or not do something, it's a different story. When you make a request, explain your reasons clearly, and ask them to join you. Handling it in this way creates a partnership of sorts, and while it may lead to further discussion, it won't lead to an emotional revolt.

4. Let Them Save Face -Consensus on any issue is hard to achieve, and often decisions will be based on "majority rules". Whether it is one difficult person or a group of homeowners that are unhappy with a decision, be gracious of your "win". Verbally acknowledge that while everyone's wishes were not met, that the decisions made were in the best interests of the Association. Flaunting a win when others are not happy only antagonizes and creates an atmosphere for additional conflict.

Is Therapy Helping?

My expertise as a mediator and conflict resolution professional is buttressed by my background as a counselor, my insights about therapy, and my knowledge of people and their "blind-spots".  Read on to to determine if you're getting what you need out of therapy.

 

For some, when you've been in therapy for a while, you wonder if you're really getting the help you need.   Ask yourself, have you:

•   Been going for months but are unsure if you’ve made any progress?
•   Arrived at each session wondering what you are going to talk about?
•   Lost track of the goals you are targeting?

If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions, you’re probably not getting what you need out of therapy, and this article is for you.

What to Expect From Therapy

Therapy is Meant to Provide Change

Often people engaged in therapy find their sessions have become a way to vent their troubles and their frustrations.  And, many counselors are willing to let their client meander through therapy in this manner rather than focusing on the reasons their client is seeking help.  To get focused, ask yourself, why am I going to therapy?  What do I need help with?  It can be as simple as saying "I'm unhappy”, but then the spotlight of your therapy needs to be recapturing what makes you “happy".  An hour of complaining may make you feel better temporarily, but commiserating with a friend will often provide that same relief.  Therapy is intended to have a deeper and more profound impact by identifying the reasons you are stuck in an unhappy place.

Therapy is More Than an Hour a Week

Most people who meet with their therapist for one hour a week think that they are working on themselves. In reality, they are kidding themselves.  The truth of the matter is that the hour in session is just the starting point of your therapy.  The work of the patient is full-time.  When you are not in session, you need to focus on your issues, problems, and goals.  Think about what was discussed during the session, and further explore your own issues.

Therapy is Relatively Fast

While each of us has unique problems, and while there is no time-line for getting those problems worked out, the results of therapy should begin to reveal themselves fairly quickly. In my opinion, most patients should see some level of results within their first 5 sessions.  Result does not mean improvement - it means you feel change is underway.  Your therapist is helping reveal you to yourself (see below), and as a result changing the way you think, and the way you see the world.

Therapy Helps to Reveal Things that are Hidden

There are the things we know, the things we don't know, and the things we don't know that we don't know. That last group would best be referred to as "blind-spots" and we all have them.  These blind-spots are the crux of most therapy, as a therapist's role is to guide you and help you to learn about yourself, by uncovering these unknowns.  As you do, change comes easy.

What to Expect from Your Therapist

Challenges to Your Thinking and Your Viewpoint

We all think we are normal and believe that the rest of the world views things the same way as we do. Unfortunately, our perspective is skewed by our own individual life experiences. This returns to the concept of "blind-spots".   A counselor's role is to discuss both what you think, and why you think it.   By examining the distortions within our own reality, we are impacted in the way we view the world and therefore the way that we live.  

Being Pushed 

Your therapist is not there to be your friend. She must do more than listen and nod her head.  If you aren't talking about important topics, she should push you to do so. Ultimately, your therapist's role is to help you see yourself more clearly.  Does your view of yourself (or the world) match others?  Do you see things in a distorted way?  A therapist needs to do more than listen.  She needs to challenge you to examine your own thought processes.

Homework

As I mentioned before, therapy does not end at the end of your session time.  Whether it is described as "homework" or not, you should always leave therapy with new things to explore, new things to think about.  A therapist might ask you a question during your session that you can’t answer.  Something as simple as "Why do you think that way about ...?"  If you don’t know, finding out is your homework. As soon as you leave the session, before you even drive back to the office or your home, write down that question.  Make it a point to think about that question until you have an answer.  I recommend doing this "homework" alone -don't cheat by asking others for the answer to your question.  Start your next session by discussing this self-revelation with your therapist.

Choosing the Right Therapist (or improving therapy with the one you have now)

Selecting a Therapist

Like choosing a professional in any arena -you should ask some basic questions to get a feel for the person, and to decide if you want to give them a shot. Remember, the ultimate test is how you feel when you begin working with them.   It's perfectly acceptable to have one or two sessions with a therapist before you fully commit to working with him.  However, you do need to begin your work during those initial sessions - if you don't then you can't judge the ability of that therapist to help you.  Remember, you're looking for someone you can trust and who shows insight into your world, you are not looking for your new best friend.

Getting Back on Track with Your Current Therapist

Most of us don't like to start over, and often times there are ways to improve the relationship with your current therapist.  For starters, you’ll need to speak with her about your desire to make real change.  Then clearly and honestly communicate with her about what you want, and perhaps the changes you'd like her to make.  If you want her to be more direct with you, say so.  If you need to be pushed to open up, tell her.  Most therapists will happily make such style changes - after all your success is their success.