Back to School and the Play Date

While it’s wonderful when your child goes back to school and makes new friends, sometimes there is a negative side in it for you.

What if your child’s new BFF (best friend forever) is not your favorite child to be around?  How do you set boundaries for your child, and their playmate, when there are obvious differences in the parenting style each child is accustomed?

In handling issues that involve kids and families, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and the parenting style that works best for your family.  But realize that your role as decision maker is also limited to your family.  Below are some important reminders as you navigate these parenting challenges.

1.     Watch your tone – When you need to redirect a child that is not yours, or ask them to follow your rules, do so with a level of tenderness in your voice.  This child is not misbehaving to spite you; he or she may simply have different rules (or no rules) and needs to learn what you expect. 

2.     Respect the other parents – Do not speak negatively about the caregivers of this child in front of him/her, or in front of your own child.  Even if you are stating factual information, like their frequent absence from their son or daughter’s life, it is hurtful.  Imposing any judgment about the other parents is damaging to the friend, and sets a poor example to your child on the importance of accepting differences in others.

3.     Demonstrate Understanding – Begin the conversation by acknowledging that your rules may be uncomfortable for the other child.  Perhaps by comparison, you are strict or seem unfair.  By showing you accept this child’s reality you will gain ground in getting him/her to accept yours.

4.     Set Boundaries – Be clear and concise with the rules this child must follow.  Include your own child in the discussion so that it does not feel punitive, but collaborative.  For example, “In our house, we don’t eat sweets or snacks before dinner.  We have a rule that dessert is earned if you eat most of your dinner.”

5.     Instill Consequences – If there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable to you, let the other child (and yours) know what the consequence will be if they engage in this behavior.  Perhaps the other child must go straight home, or you will cancel their planned sleep-over.  You can prevent many problem behaviors by making the consequences clear beforehand.

6.     Be Consistent – Make sure that the rules you set are consistent with the rules for your child (wherever possible), and are likewise consistent for all their playmates. 

These guidelines will help to keep playtime a positive experience for everyone, even you.

Is Therapy Helping?

My expertise as a mediator and conflict resolution professional is buttressed by my background as a counselor, my insights about therapy, and my knowledge of people and their "blind-spots".  Read on to to determine if you're getting what you need out of therapy.

 

For some, when you've been in therapy for a while, you wonder if you're really getting the help you need.   Ask yourself, have you:

•   Been going for months but are unsure if you’ve made any progress?
•   Arrived at each session wondering what you are going to talk about?
•   Lost track of the goals you are targeting?

If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions, you’re probably not getting what you need out of therapy, and this article is for you.

What to Expect From Therapy

Therapy is Meant to Provide Change

Often people engaged in therapy find their sessions have become a way to vent their troubles and their frustrations.  And, many counselors are willing to let their client meander through therapy in this manner rather than focusing on the reasons their client is seeking help.  To get focused, ask yourself, why am I going to therapy?  What do I need help with?  It can be as simple as saying "I'm unhappy”, but then the spotlight of your therapy needs to be recapturing what makes you “happy".  An hour of complaining may make you feel better temporarily, but commiserating with a friend will often provide that same relief.  Therapy is intended to have a deeper and more profound impact by identifying the reasons you are stuck in an unhappy place.

Therapy is More Than an Hour a Week

Most people who meet with their therapist for one hour a week think that they are working on themselves. In reality, they are kidding themselves.  The truth of the matter is that the hour in session is just the starting point of your therapy.  The work of the patient is full-time.  When you are not in session, you need to focus on your issues, problems, and goals.  Think about what was discussed during the session, and further explore your own issues.

Therapy is Relatively Fast

While each of us has unique problems, and while there is no time-line for getting those problems worked out, the results of therapy should begin to reveal themselves fairly quickly. In my opinion, most patients should see some level of results within their first 5 sessions.  Result does not mean improvement - it means you feel change is underway.  Your therapist is helping reveal you to yourself (see below), and as a result changing the way you think, and the way you see the world.

Therapy Helps to Reveal Things that are Hidden

There are the things we know, the things we don't know, and the things we don't know that we don't know. That last group would best be referred to as "blind-spots" and we all have them.  These blind-spots are the crux of most therapy, as a therapist's role is to guide you and help you to learn about yourself, by uncovering these unknowns.  As you do, change comes easy.

What to Expect from Your Therapist

Challenges to Your Thinking and Your Viewpoint

We all think we are normal and believe that the rest of the world views things the same way as we do. Unfortunately, our perspective is skewed by our own individual life experiences. This returns to the concept of "blind-spots".   A counselor's role is to discuss both what you think, and why you think it.   By examining the distortions within our own reality, we are impacted in the way we view the world and therefore the way that we live.  

Being Pushed 

Your therapist is not there to be your friend. She must do more than listen and nod her head.  If you aren't talking about important topics, she should push you to do so. Ultimately, your therapist's role is to help you see yourself more clearly.  Does your view of yourself (or the world) match others?  Do you see things in a distorted way?  A therapist needs to do more than listen.  She needs to challenge you to examine your own thought processes.

Homework

As I mentioned before, therapy does not end at the end of your session time.  Whether it is described as "homework" or not, you should always leave therapy with new things to explore, new things to think about.  A therapist might ask you a question during your session that you can’t answer.  Something as simple as "Why do you think that way about ...?"  If you don’t know, finding out is your homework. As soon as you leave the session, before you even drive back to the office or your home, write down that question.  Make it a point to think about that question until you have an answer.  I recommend doing this "homework" alone -don't cheat by asking others for the answer to your question.  Start your next session by discussing this self-revelation with your therapist.

Choosing the Right Therapist (or improving therapy with the one you have now)

Selecting a Therapist

Like choosing a professional in any arena -you should ask some basic questions to get a feel for the person, and to decide if you want to give them a shot. Remember, the ultimate test is how you feel when you begin working with them.   It's perfectly acceptable to have one or two sessions with a therapist before you fully commit to working with him.  However, you do need to begin your work during those initial sessions - if you don't then you can't judge the ability of that therapist to help you.  Remember, you're looking for someone you can trust and who shows insight into your world, you are not looking for your new best friend.

Getting Back on Track with Your Current Therapist

Most of us don't like to start over, and often times there are ways to improve the relationship with your current therapist.  For starters, you’ll need to speak with her about your desire to make real change.  Then clearly and honestly communicate with her about what you want, and perhaps the changes you'd like her to make.  If you want her to be more direct with you, say so.  If you need to be pushed to open up, tell her.  Most therapists will happily make such style changes - after all your success is their success.