You Never Listen to ME!

How do you get your point across when your spouse (or sibling, friend, parent) won’t listen? When it comes to having differences of opinion, it’s often difficult to get those closest to us to listen and really hear what we are trying to say.

When we know others well, we develop a short-hand with them. This feels great when our spouse (sibling, friend, etc.) seems to just “get” us, easily understanding our actions or decisions.  But it feels lousy when we are on opposite sides of an issue - especially if they are jumping to conclusions or won’t hear our perspective on a subject. What can be done?

It’s very important to have ground rules for discussing difficult issues. It provides both sides with a road map that promotes listening and understanding, and it creates opportunity for shared decision making and planning. Here are some basic ground rules to try:

1. Take Turns - One person gets the floor at a time. S/he explains his point of view, rationale, supporting details, etc.  The other person listens.
2. No interruptions – This means no dissenting comments, and whoever has the floor is the only one sharing information or opinions.
3. Clarify - After each person is done speaking, the listener must ask questions to clarify what s/he heard. The purpose here is to assure both sides that the listener understands the perspective of the speaker.  Achieving a full level of understanding is key - and does not require the listener to be in agreement.  Reaching a point of strong clarity may take some time and lead to added discussion.
4. Confirm – Once clarity is believed to have been achieved, the listener needs to sum up what s/he understood to be the point of view or rationale of the other side. If the listener doesn’t have it right, return to step 3 and continue the discussion.

These four ground rules are to be used for hearing each side to a story. While hearing only one side may seem sufficient as it changes the thoughts of the other person, take advantage of the momentum and find out what the other party was upset about or uncomfortable with in the first place. By determining where the initial misunderstanding or disagreement came from, you can prevent future disagreements from arising. You may even create a stronger short-hand with this person as a result.

Back to School and the Play Date

While it’s wonderful when your child goes back to school and makes new friends, sometimes there is a negative side in it for you.

What if your child’s new BFF (best friend forever) is not your favorite child to be around?  How do you set boundaries for your child, and their playmate, when there are obvious differences in the parenting style each child is accustomed?

In handling issues that involve kids and families, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and the parenting style that works best for your family.  But realize that your role as decision maker is also limited to your family.  Below are some important reminders as you navigate these parenting challenges.

1.     Watch your tone – When you need to redirect a child that is not yours, or ask them to follow your rules, do so with a level of tenderness in your voice.  This child is not misbehaving to spite you; he or she may simply have different rules (or no rules) and needs to learn what you expect. 

2.     Respect the other parents – Do not speak negatively about the caregivers of this child in front of him/her, or in front of your own child.  Even if you are stating factual information, like their frequent absence from their son or daughter’s life, it is hurtful.  Imposing any judgment about the other parents is damaging to the friend, and sets a poor example to your child on the importance of accepting differences in others.

3.     Demonstrate Understanding – Begin the conversation by acknowledging that your rules may be uncomfortable for the other child.  Perhaps by comparison, you are strict or seem unfair.  By showing you accept this child’s reality you will gain ground in getting him/her to accept yours.

4.     Set Boundaries – Be clear and concise with the rules this child must follow.  Include your own child in the discussion so that it does not feel punitive, but collaborative.  For example, “In our house, we don’t eat sweets or snacks before dinner.  We have a rule that dessert is earned if you eat most of your dinner.”

5.     Instill Consequences – If there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable to you, let the other child (and yours) know what the consequence will be if they engage in this behavior.  Perhaps the other child must go straight home, or you will cancel their planned sleep-over.  You can prevent many problem behaviors by making the consequences clear beforehand.

6.     Be Consistent – Make sure that the rules you set are consistent with the rules for your child (wherever possible), and are likewise consistent for all their playmates. 

These guidelines will help to keep playtime a positive experience for everyone, even you.

Get Your Hands Untied

How often do Human Resources or managers get accused of ignoring problems, taking sides, or playing favorites?  It seems employees feel that unless a person is fired, or publicly flogged, not enough has been done to remedy a problematic situation.  Complicating matters further, Human Resources (and other authority figures in the workplace) are bound by confidentiality and often cannot reveal how they are handling an issue.

Allowing this conundrum to remain brings some employees to believe that sharing information with management does nothing to help, yet leaves them exposed.  They’ll stop telling you about their concerns even if they continue to be impacted by them.  Morale will drop, workplace relations suffer, and unplanned turnover will increase.  In some cases, an employee will feel violated and, if they happen to be of a protected class, may file a grievance or a lawsuit claiming discrimination.

What can you do?  While the law may leave you feeling your hands are tied, here are five things you can, and should, do when hearing a complaint.

1. Hear both sides.  It sounds silly, but all too often the crux of such concerns occur when a person of authority takes action or makes a decision based on just one person’s side of a story. 
2. Take notes.  Not copious notes, just enough to show you’re actually listening and trying to keep track of the situation.  Remember if it matters to them, they need to know it matters to you too.
3. Help them to resolve it themselves.  Many of the complaints HR and managers hear have to do with interpersonal issues.  They aren’t issues which typically require intervention.  In such cases, encouraging the person to handle it themselves is often the right choice.  To offer support, you may want to role play, provide mentoring, or offer to be present when the concerned party approaches the source of their complaint.  
4. Keep them informed.  Tell them what you’re going to do (generally), and why.  Perhaps it’s not appropriate to act on a first time concern, but you are taking notes and plan to keep an eye on the situation.  Or maybe the issue does require intervention.  Simply let them know that you will be taking action, but that due to confidentiality you cannot disclose any other details.  In either situation, be honest about your decision-making. 
5. Tell them to keep you informed.  This may be the most important step as it assures the concerned party that you do want to help and are not ignoring their concerns.  Urge them to come to you if the situation continues or worsens.  Remind them that you cannot be of help if you are not aware of the problem.

 

By responding to complaints in this manner, you will better control morale, turnover, and issues of conflict in the workplace.