Three Steps to Diffusing Tension

How do you move from argument into productive discussion?
You’ve been there – going through your day, keeping to yourself, when suddenly someone begins to push your buttons, argue, accuse or blame.  Perhaps it’s simply their tone or body language that gives rise to this tension.  But the result is the same, you’re being baited to argue back or defend yourself.

What can you do? 

First – Slow Down.   Most people are surprised to find themselves in an argument – and react accordingly by sparring back.   This includes the instigator.  S/he may be irritable and behaving inappropriately and yet unaware of how others are experiencing his/her behavior.  Matching that unpleasant demeanor will only escalate matters causing greater conflict and tension.
 

Second – Gain Perspective.  Whether on the spot or over the course of a few hours, try to consider where the other person is coming from.  What is impacting them?  Are they going through something (personally or otherwise) that’s causing inflated stress?  Be sure to explore your own flaws, responsibilities, or role in the situation.

Third – Ask a Question.  Rather than engaging in the battle that you believe is being waged, try to disarm the other person with an associated question.  Keeping your own tone even, seek to find out if they are under extreme stress, if you have caused them difficulty, or simply if they want to talk about what is upsetting them.  When your own tone is concerned and engaging, rather than provocative, you help them to identify the problem or to recognize their own behavior.                    

At this point, most would-be arguments have moved to a more honest and productive place.  Your next step will depend on the content of the discussion that ensued.   Perhaps you will offer to help, offer the change, or simply to give the other person space, time, or a needed hug.

You Never Listen to ME!

How do you get your point across when your spouse (or sibling, friend, parent) won’t listen? When it comes to having differences of opinion, it’s often difficult to get those closest to us to listen and really hear what we are trying to say.

When we know others well, we develop a short-hand with them. This feels great when our spouse (sibling, friend, etc.) seems to just “get” us, easily understanding our actions or decisions.  But it feels lousy when we are on opposite sides of an issue - especially if they are jumping to conclusions or won’t hear our perspective on a subject. What can be done?

It’s very important to have ground rules for discussing difficult issues. It provides both sides with a road map that promotes listening and understanding, and it creates opportunity for shared decision making and planning. Here are some basic ground rules to try:

1. Take Turns - One person gets the floor at a time. S/he explains his point of view, rationale, supporting details, etc.  The other person listens.
2. No interruptions – This means no dissenting comments, and whoever has the floor is the only one sharing information or opinions.
3. Clarify - After each person is done speaking, the listener must ask questions to clarify what s/he heard. The purpose here is to assure both sides that the listener understands the perspective of the speaker.  Achieving a full level of understanding is key - and does not require the listener to be in agreement.  Reaching a point of strong clarity may take some time and lead to added discussion.
4. Confirm – Once clarity is believed to have been achieved, the listener needs to sum up what s/he understood to be the point of view or rationale of the other side. If the listener doesn’t have it right, return to step 3 and continue the discussion.

These four ground rules are to be used for hearing each side to a story. While hearing only one side may seem sufficient as it changes the thoughts of the other person, take advantage of the momentum and find out what the other party was upset about or uncomfortable with in the first place. By determining where the initial misunderstanding or disagreement came from, you can prevent future disagreements from arising. You may even create a stronger short-hand with this person as a result.

The Power of Positive Perspective

How do you stay so positive?  Especially when life presents inevitable challenges and “bad” things happen?  Be it workplace issues or personal struggles, we all have the power to choose how we view each situation we encounter.  The problem?  Most of us don’t realize we have that power.  

This is not to say that some of life’s experiences are not more pleasant or more dreadful than others.  Instead, it is to say that the same situation can be viewed in many different ways; and how we choose to view it has a profound and compelling impact on how we feel about that situation and how it affects us.   Some examples:

Say you find yourself stuck in traffic after a meeting runs long.  Instead of bemoaning that you’re now even further off schedule, be thankful that the delay put you 20 minutes behind that potential car wreck, instead of in it.  Perhaps that meeting saved your life.  Instead of frustration, this change in perspective can leave you feeling relieved, grateful or simply at peace with your circumstances.

Or ask yourself how you might feel about having your flight to work with a new client cancelled.  Are you worrying your client may choose to find a local resource?  Or choosing to see this situation as an opportunity to encourage the client to Skype with you?  The latter could make scheduling future work together easier and would be cost-effective for the client – possibly enhancing the opportunity for a longer and deeper collaboration.   

These two examples shed light on two specific ways to manage perspective, by making a shift in thinking.

Focus on the positive aspects/alternatives as in the situation with the cancelled flight, and choosing to see new options and the long-term benefits they present.

Consider the avoidance of a negative incident or experience (as with the traffic).

This adjustment in perspective is a choice you make.  It means stopping your knee-jerk reaction and processing alternative ideas.  And, you’ll find, the more often you make this shift, the easier and more natural it becomes.