Three Steps to Diffusing Tension

How do you move from argument into productive discussion?
You’ve been there – going through your day, keeping to yourself, when suddenly someone begins to push your buttons, argue, accuse or blame.  Perhaps it’s simply their tone or body language that gives rise to this tension.  But the result is the same, you’re being baited to argue back or defend yourself.

What can you do? 

First – Slow Down.   Most people are surprised to find themselves in an argument – and react accordingly by sparring back.   This includes the instigator.  S/he may be irritable and behaving inappropriately and yet unaware of how others are experiencing his/her behavior.  Matching that unpleasant demeanor will only escalate matters causing greater conflict and tension.
 

Second – Gain Perspective.  Whether on the spot or over the course of a few hours, try to consider where the other person is coming from.  What is impacting them?  Are they going through something (personally or otherwise) that’s causing inflated stress?  Be sure to explore your own flaws, responsibilities, or role in the situation.

Third – Ask a Question.  Rather than engaging in the battle that you believe is being waged, try to disarm the other person with an associated question.  Keeping your own tone even, seek to find out if they are under extreme stress, if you have caused them difficulty, or simply if they want to talk about what is upsetting them.  When your own tone is concerned and engaging, rather than provocative, you help them to identify the problem or to recognize their own behavior.                    

At this point, most would-be arguments have moved to a more honest and productive place.  Your next step will depend on the content of the discussion that ensued.   Perhaps you will offer to help, offer the change, or simply to give the other person space, time, or a needed hug.

Reclaiming Control of Your Temper

Have you ever thought about your anger?  About what pushes your buttons, sets you off, or really frustrates you?  I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  And I’m not talking about the people, and behaviors, that are likely triggers.  They will always

be there.   Instead, I’m thinking more broadly and introspectively.  I’m looking at the choices I make which set the wheels in motion for me to be more easily agitated.  Here’s what I’ve noticed:

For me, stress is a precursor to anger. 

I am calmer on days when I’m engaged in one or two long tasks rather than a dozen short ones.  I’m more easily frustrated when I’m concerned about time.  And, unfortunately, I am especially compromised when those two situations overlap, which they often do.  The more things I attempt to accomplish in a day, the more rushed and time conscious I have to be.  All of these situations cause me to feel stressed, and ultimately leave me less tolerant of the behaviors of others.

Knowing these internal triggers is helpful, but knowing what I can do about them is even better.  Here are a few things I’m trying to do to manage my stress and reclaim control of my temper – and therefore my life.

1.      Consciously plan my day and week.  I’ve realized that being booked end to end with meetings and engagements – enjoyable or not – takes a toll on me.  Especially with having two young children who require a well of my energy at the end of the day.  As a result, I’ve been pairing down my activities and commitments and am trying to be conscious of my energy levels.

2.      Limiting use of my smart phone.  Do I need to check email every 20 minutes?  No.  Especially since if it’s actually an important/business email I most likely don’t have the time or resources necessary to respond if I’m out of the office.  Using it during off hours also presents a challenge.  I need to allow myself DOWN time.

3.      Taking a walk.  Being outside, in the fresh air always rejuvenates me and builds me up.  My mood is better and of course it’s good for my body too.

4.      Saying “No”.  No to joining committees, volunteering, or participating in activities that are not deeply important to me.  As a people pleaser this is difficult – but I keep perspective by remembering that I must consciously plan my time, and that my goal of being calm and peaceful is vitally important.

While managing stress levels may not be your solution to managing your temper, I hope it encourages you to look inward and determine what situations are precursors for your own.  Learning these things about yourself is an important step to mitigating conflicts, managing mood, and maintaining healthy relationships.

Feeling Overstressed? Try a mini-vacation

Whether it’s the pressures of work, the demands of our personal lives, a sudden crisis, or the on-going and chronic problems we must work through, most of us feel stressed and tense on a regular basis.  What we need is a vacation; A break from it all.  Unfortunately a true vacation is often not practical or possible.  And, it often provides only a temporary fix before the stressors return.

My solution to this is the mini-vacation.  A special break that can be enjoyed in just a few minutes – often all that we can spare.  Better yet, the mini-vacation is easily cost-free.  The important part is that it is scheduled – like a vacation, and is undisturbed “you” time.
  

Following are some ideas for having a mini-vacation.  This list is far from exhaustive, so please be creative and think up your own!

1.       Stare out the window.  Maybe you have a nice view of the City, a Lake or Ocean.  Look at the grand scene, or take note of the trees blowing in the wind.  Enjoy the quiet of this moment.

2.       Give yourself a hand massage.  Get some lotion with a fragrance you enjoy, take off any jewelry that would interfere and give yourself a slow nourishing massage of the fingers, wrists, and thumbs.

3.       Listen to some music.  Ideally, be able to do this with your eyes closed.  Hear the music without distraction.  Enjoy the melody, lyrics, or beat of the music.

4.       Stretch.  Stand up and stretch your back, your shoulders and neck.  Do a few yoga poses.  If you like, incorporate music into this moment.

5.       Read a book or article.  This is pleasure relaxation reading – the kind you wish you had time to do.  Allow yourself to escape into the characters and to read without interruption.

6.       Take a walk.  Getting outside to feel the sun, the wind, even the rain, can be refreshing and invigorating.
 

7.       Call a friend – If you feel socially isolated, and this is your biggest desire, this may be your ideal mini-vacation.  Be sure to limit your calls to people who inspire you and make you feel good.

8.       Daydream – Imagine being someplace where you are relaxed and happy.  Visualize it.  Hear the sounds that would surround you.  Make the day-dream as real as possible by combining it with music or a photograph if that helps you to escape into the moment.

9.       Write a letter – Perhaps you wish you had more time to correspond with others.   Write a letter to an old friend or loved one.

10.   Look at old pictures – Do you have an online photo account through Shutterfly, Flickr or SmugMug?  Revisiting happy memories of other “real” vacations and seeing images of your friends, children, or pets can revitalize and bring a smile to your face.

By putting your mind and body in a happy zone, even if only for a few minutes, you are giving yourself a much needed vacation from the rest of the stress that surrounds you.  So go on, schedule your mini-vacations, you deserve it.

Office Politics

Office politics may be something we all talk about – but in an election year, the expression takes on a whole new meaning.  As a behavior brought about by those who seek power and influence, consider the potential for staff in your organization to desire the power and influence to see their party or candidate take office come Election Day.  

Hot-button issues like the economy, unemployment, and healthcare are hitting-home and leading people to become more opinionated and more entrenched in their beliefs.  Friendly conversation about current events can quickly turn into heated debate.  Repeat interactions may lead some to feel pushed, challenged, or bullied.  It is these office politics that threaten to derail your business as they undermine morale, hinder teamwork, damage productivity, and may also lead to more troubling (and potentially litigious) behaviors – all of which are sure to linger beyond Election Day.

The best strategy for keeping these office politics at bay is to get in front of them and plan ahead.  

Steps to Take

1 – Review your company policy on social or political behavior.  This may also overlap with policies on diversity.  Are there policies addressing the use the display or demonstration of affiliations, etc.?

2 – Determine what will be acceptable company behavior.  Some thoughts to consider:

• If friendly debate/conversation is allowed, is it limited to lunch and break rooms?
• Can a person post their affiliation in their office/cubicle?
• Is staff allowed to congregate or campaign on company grounds?
• How does title/role play a part in determining what a person can/cannot say?

3 – Consult with your company attorney.  While 1^st Amendment Rights were created to establish political freedom, the workplace is not public property and therefore is not the appropriate forum for enacting those rights.  

4 – Talk with your staff.  Be sure all staff know the position of the company regarding these behaviors, and how they may address any concerns which still arise.  Be clear about rules and consequences.

5 – Be Consistent.  Nothing is more troubling or will lead to more discord than allowing some individuals to express their beliefs freely while others are held accountable.  This is especially true if the rules seem to favor a certain individual, a particular rank within the company, or a given political party.

Surviving Holiday Conflict

If you find that 'the most wonderful time of the year’ is instead filled with tension, you’re not alone. Conflict often comes from difficulties associated with negotiating time spent among loved ones and over concerns of past conflicts re-igniting or new ones emerging. Add in a little too much "merry-making" and issues of addiction and inappropriate behavior can sneak up on you, too.  While stressful on their own, these events are then co-mingled with what are supposed to be joyous and happy celebrations, often making survival the real goal of the holiday season.

Here are some suggestions for handling these difficult situations – and getting through this year’s holiday season - unscathed.

1. Identify the Problem – Are you concerned about cutting short your time with an ailing relative? Do you worry about the impact of Uncle Bob’s drinking on your teenage kids? Is your sister always dragging you back into childhood conflicts? Whatever is causing you anticipatory stress needs to be revealed for healing to take place.
2. Have a Plan – Think through your situation, and decide what is best for you over the holidays. If you have a spouse or child, consider their interests as well. Then talk about it with someone you trust to give you feedback and support. While your ideal solution may be impractical or overly selfish, it helps to start out by knowing what you want, and identifying what matters most to you. Once you do, making a compromise or stretching your comfort level will have a clear purpose and intent.
3. Expect it – Sure, it seems foolish to worry about something that may not happen, but it’s on your mind anyhow. Avoiding such thoughts leaves you unprepared and caught off guard when the problem comes up. Expecting the problem means having a contingency plan. Perhaps it’s to leave the house if Uncle Bob starts drinking, or to plan to say “I always enjoy seeing you, please let’s not argue” if your sister provokes you. Being prepared will help you to feel happier and more confident leading up to those difficult encounters.
4. Enlist an Ally – Your spouse, or another relative/loved one (who will be with you over the holidays), can prove to be a valuable asset as you navigate difficult waters. Explain to them the problem and your plan for coping with it, and ask for their assistance. Let them know if you’d like them to intervene, come to your defense, or simply provide moral support.
5. Share Your Decisions – Often conflict occurs because a person’s actions or behaviors are surprising and misunderstood. To prevent your self-preservation strategy from causing new issues, keep others informed of the decisions you make. Let your Mother know why you’ll be spending a disproportionate amount of time with your in-laws this year. Tell the host/hostess that you plan to leave if Uncle Bob starts drinking or your sister becomes unrelenting in her conversations with you. By letting others know your boundaries, you help them to honor them.

We hope these ideas help, and that your holiday season  is a whole lot brighter as a result.  Happy Holidays!

When the Financial Crisis Affects Your Family

Financial woes have stretched to affect and impact everyone, including your kids. Whether you’re telling your 7 year old that he can’t have a new PlayStation, your pre-teen that a Smart-Phone isn’t an option, or your 17 year old that her favorite college is financially out of reach, the message is the same, we can’t afford it. Helping your kids to adjust to financial challenges isn’t easy – here are a few guidelines to help you through it:

1. It’s going to be OK. It’s important to start any conversation about change by providing a sense of safety, especially when children are involved. You may want to start your conversation with a simple sentence that covers it all, such as: “Jamie, I need to have an important talk with you about some changes we need to make as a family, everything is OK, but I’m going to need you to help out too”.

2. Get them involved. Just as the ending of the sample sentence above said, giving kids a role in the change allows them to feel some control and to take some personal responsibility. Whenever possible, tell your kids the changes YOU will be making, and then ask them to think of some changes THEY can make. Guide their decision making so that their contributions or sacrifices are genuinely helpful.

3. Recognize their efforts. Let them know how much the reduced allowance or the decreased spending on activities is helping the family. When they can’t participate in a favorite activity due to funds, let them know how much you appreciate it, and try to find ways to reward them.

4. Keep them informed. You began the conversation by saying things will be OK. Now keep them posted. It’s been a few months…are things getting better or worse? Is this change permanent or is it still temporary? By keeping them informed you make them feel safe, and part of the team which is your family.

5. Find the bright side. Instead of going out to the movies, make it a movie rental and with a big batch of popcorn, and maybe invite over a friend (or the dog!) to join you. Instead of going out to dinner, have a “make our own pizza”, or “decorate your own cupcake night”. And lastly,

6. Give yourself a break. These and other family activities may well become favorite activities and cherished memories you and your children will share for years to come. Rather than worry about what they can’t have, remind yourself of the values you are showing them, the love you are giving them, and the lessons you are teaching them.