What Matters Most (to me)?

I have a novel approach to the New Year’s Resolution and it’s my own goal for 2014.  Forget the typical resolutions.  My plan?  To do less, to take on less, and with that goal - to be more present.

It sounds easy, but I think this will be one of my hardest resolutions yet.  It starts by taking stock of what I am doing.  Here’s what I know:  I am busy – to a near chaotic level – most of the time.  I don’t even know what’s taking up my time.  Is it purposeful?  Is it necessary? 
And I see it all around me.  We are better connected worldwide, and yet less connected to those we see face to face: our neighbors, co-workers, and friends.  We can shop online at any time day or night (saving us time, right?) but are too busy to get together with those we care about. 

In my own life I recognize other elements.  I don’t sleep enough.  I feel compromised in spending time with my husband and children.  And yet I still feel pushed to do more. 

Perhaps you are experiencing the same pressures on your time, and feeling the same need to evaluate.

Here’s my plan (at least the start of it). 

1.      Take stock of what I’m doing now.  I’m going to take one week (nights and weekends included) to pay attention to the details of how I spend my time.  I will jot down notes throughout each day of what I am doing with my time.  I will likewise make a list of those less frequent but often time-consuming activities like managing my QuickBooks.

2.      Charting and categorizing.  Next I’m going to set aside a day to pour over those notes.  I’m going to create categories to identify how my time is spent, and how much time is spent on each activity.  I will also jot down the purpose (short or long term) for engaging in each behavior, and its potential value to me or others. 

3.      Analyze the results.  Now seeing where and how my time is spent, where do changes need to be made?  Am I spending too much time on a particular business activity?  Do I have a good balance between personal time and business time?  Am I operating on each during the right hours of the day?  Are my activities necessary and purposeful?  Am I wasting time online?  So many questions that I cannot answer until I survey my time.

4.      Identify what I want.  Once I know what I am doing, it’s easier to evaluate what I’d like to be doing (with a realistic sense of how I currently spend my time).  How much time do I want to spend on business activities?  Do I want to devote nights and weekends exclusively to family?  How often do I want to go to the gym?  What does my preferred week (hour by hour) really look like?

5.      Create a new plan (I hope this part will be fun). Once I identify what I am doing, and what I’d like to be doing, I hope to be able to create a schedule that works for me.  Perhaps this will be liberating as I realize that I don’t have time to participate in that discussion group I felt pressured to join, or to attend that function clear across town.  It may also mean committing to an undisturbed four hours of prep time for a program that I typically spend six hours preparing.  As I become aware of how my time is spent, compared to how I’d like to spend it, I can make those tough decisions without feeling compromised.

6.      Making it work.  In creating a new plan, I also need to find a way to make it workable.  I’ll look to see what activities can be delegated to others.  Perhaps a subordinate can do the research; another parent can maintain the volunteer list; my husband can do the grocery shopping.  Other items may need to be released.  Maybe I need to limit my time connecting with friends/colleagues on social media, give up writing a fresh article for each newsletter I write, or stop using QuickBooks to account for every dollar I spend.

7.      Making peace with my choices.  As I choose what to change, delegate or let go of, I am sure to experience feelings of sadness or frustration.  Change is hard.  But I must also take stock of what I will be getting in exchange for these sacrifices:  A better work/life balance; a clearer sense of my own purposeful activity; more time with my husband and children. 

I have a hunch that as I manage my way through these 7 steps, I will start to feel more in control of my time and happier with my daily activities.  Whether you need to make changes personally, professionally, or (like me) across the board, choosing to do less may be the best choice you can make.

Surviving Holiday Conflict

If you find that 'the most wonderful time of the year’ is instead filled with tension, you’re not alone. Conflict often comes from difficulties associated with negotiating time spent among loved ones and over concerns of past conflicts re-igniting or new ones emerging. Add in a little too much "merry-making" and issues of addiction and inappropriate behavior can sneak up on you, too.  While stressful on their own, these events are then co-mingled with what are supposed to be joyous and happy celebrations, often making survival the real goal of the holiday season.

Here are some suggestions for handling these difficult situations – and getting through this year’s holiday season - unscathed.

1. Identify the Problem – Are you concerned about cutting short your time with an ailing relative? Do you worry about the impact of Uncle Bob’s drinking on your teenage kids? Is your sister always dragging you back into childhood conflicts? Whatever is causing you anticipatory stress needs to be revealed for healing to take place.
2. Have a Plan – Think through your situation, and decide what is best for you over the holidays. If you have a spouse or child, consider their interests as well. Then talk about it with someone you trust to give you feedback and support. While your ideal solution may be impractical or overly selfish, it helps to start out by knowing what you want, and identifying what matters most to you. Once you do, making a compromise or stretching your comfort level will have a clear purpose and intent.
3. Expect it – Sure, it seems foolish to worry about something that may not happen, but it’s on your mind anyhow. Avoiding such thoughts leaves you unprepared and caught off guard when the problem comes up. Expecting the problem means having a contingency plan. Perhaps it’s to leave the house if Uncle Bob starts drinking, or to plan to say “I always enjoy seeing you, please let’s not argue” if your sister provokes you. Being prepared will help you to feel happier and more confident leading up to those difficult encounters.
4. Enlist an Ally – Your spouse, or another relative/loved one (who will be with you over the holidays), can prove to be a valuable asset as you navigate difficult waters. Explain to them the problem and your plan for coping with it, and ask for their assistance. Let them know if you’d like them to intervene, come to your defense, or simply provide moral support.
5. Share Your Decisions – Often conflict occurs because a person’s actions or behaviors are surprising and misunderstood. To prevent your self-preservation strategy from causing new issues, keep others informed of the decisions you make. Let your Mother know why you’ll be spending a disproportionate amount of time with your in-laws this year. Tell the host/hostess that you plan to leave if Uncle Bob starts drinking or your sister becomes unrelenting in her conversations with you. By letting others know your boundaries, you help them to honor them.

We hope these ideas help, and that your holiday season  is a whole lot brighter as a result.  Happy Holidays!

The Domestic Dance of Time Management

My husband and I operate very differently. I am the task master - forever planning, scheduling, and trying to squeeze the most out of any free moment. He is the procrastinator - industrious yet forgetful, and seemingly always putting things off. Yet despite my satisfaction in checking things off my list, I'm the one who is stressed, while he is calm. This is what my friend calls the domestic dance of time management. And funny enough, it seems that most couples share in this yin/yang relationship where opposites somehow attract.

Well, I may just have figured out the simple truth of this relationship conundrum. It boils down to our sense of urgency for getting things done. I live my life with a high sense of urgency, always thinking “What can I get done today?” My husband on the other hand, operates with a low sense of urgency, and carries the mindset of “What must I get done today?” A subtle yet profound difference – Can vs Must - which affects our levels of stress, and our ability to relate to one another.

Realizing this simple difference has liberated me. I now have the context for creating change without feeling guilty or pressured. I can choose to give myself a “must” day and take it easy. Or I can simply realize that what I can get done, and must get done, are not the same. Similarly, I better understand my husband’s relationship with time. So if I’m feeling overwhelmed, I now know to define what “must” get done so that he feels ready to help me without nagging or reminders. With this knowledge we may finally have bridged our time management differences.

While the battle of the sexes will wage on, I hope sharing my new awareness will help you to take one step further in creating peace in your world too.

Best of Luck,
Candice