Now What? Responding to the Inappropriate Quesiton

Shock.  Horror.  Disbelief.  These are all reactions we might have when asked an inappropriate or uncomfortable question.  Questions like, “How much money did you spend on your last vacation?”, “What brought on that sudden weight change?” or “Is that your natural hair color?” In a workplace or interview setting the questions might instead be, “What was your severance package?” or “Describe your last boss’ biggest flaw.” 

Questions like these are not just inappropriate, they are intrusive.  They attempt a level of closeness or intimacy that is undesired and unwarranted.  They ask us to reveal things about ourselves or our life that we may not want to reveal.  And, they allude to a pending judgment based on our response. 

Very often, these inappropriate questions leave us speechless and unsure of how to respond.  Do we answer the question?  Reprimand the person asking?  Say nothing and let the question hang?  Most often our goal is simply to bring the conversation back onto neutral ground gracefully and tactfully.  Below are some guidelines and some suggestions of how to do just that.

1.      Take a deep breath.  This sounds simple, but it serves several purposes.  It helps keep you calm, it provides you with a few extra moments to decide how to respond, and finally, it gives the asker reason to reconsider what they’ve just asked – potentially leading to a retraction or apology for the question itself.

2.      Respond with grace and tact.  We’ve all heard the adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  The same is true here.  Shaming the person who’s asking, or otherwise putting them down will only serve to make the moment more uncomfortable.  Instead, let them save face by not drawing added attention to the question, but rather redirecting it to a more appropriate one.

3.      Use humor.  This may mean a light chuckle at the question, or a friendly but teasing reply of “You didn’t really just ask me that?”

4.      Be honest.  It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable answering that question.”

5.      Mirror it.  Ask the question back, changing the focus to how it relates to them.  For example, you can respond to a question about vacation spending with: “Are you looking for affordable vacation spots?”  - This response works regardless of how extravagant your vacation may have been, because it puts the focus on their budget. 

6.      Ask “Why..?”  As inappropriate as a question may seem to you, perhaps the person asking has a valid reason (or thinks they do) for asking it.  Rather than offering an answer, respond with, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you want to know?”  Be sure however, to keep your tone open and inquisitive not irritated or angry.

7.      Silence.  Sometimes, ignoring the question is the best response.  As you do so, try smiling politely, and acknowledging the other person with a moment of direct eye contact.  This has the impact of saying “I’m not comfortable” without actually stating it.

As you choose your best response, it’s wise to consider your relationship to the person.  Is this a friend, relative, acquaintance, or an interviewer for a job?  Has this person asked you inappropriate questions in the past?  Your relationship and experience with them should play an important guide in determining your response.  If it’s an interviewer for a job you may choose to ask why or to be honest about your discomfort.  If it’s an acquaintance you may choose humor or silence.  And if it’s a person who often pushes your boundaries, mirroring their question or asking why might be your best bet in correcting the behavior now – and in the future.

Managing these difficult or uncomfortable moments, as described, has the added benefit of demonstrating your respect for yourself, and for the other person.  It also creates the opportunity for better relationships and better communication.

You Never Listen to ME!

How do you get your point across when your spouse (or sibling, friend, parent) won’t listen? When it comes to having differences of opinion, it’s often difficult to get those closest to us to listen and really hear what we are trying to say.

When we know others well, we develop a short-hand with them. This feels great when our spouse (sibling, friend, etc.) seems to just “get” us, easily understanding our actions or decisions.  But it feels lousy when we are on opposite sides of an issue - especially if they are jumping to conclusions or won’t hear our perspective on a subject. What can be done?

It’s very important to have ground rules for discussing difficult issues. It provides both sides with a road map that promotes listening and understanding, and it creates opportunity for shared decision making and planning. Here are some basic ground rules to try:

1. Take Turns - One person gets the floor at a time. S/he explains his point of view, rationale, supporting details, etc.  The other person listens.
2. No interruptions – This means no dissenting comments, and whoever has the floor is the only one sharing information or opinions.
3. Clarify - After each person is done speaking, the listener must ask questions to clarify what s/he heard. The purpose here is to assure both sides that the listener understands the perspective of the speaker.  Achieving a full level of understanding is key - and does not require the listener to be in agreement.  Reaching a point of strong clarity may take some time and lead to added discussion.
4. Confirm – Once clarity is believed to have been achieved, the listener needs to sum up what s/he understood to be the point of view or rationale of the other side. If the listener doesn’t have it right, return to step 3 and continue the discussion.

These four ground rules are to be used for hearing each side to a story. While hearing only one side may seem sufficient as it changes the thoughts of the other person, take advantage of the momentum and find out what the other party was upset about or uncomfortable with in the first place. By determining where the initial misunderstanding or disagreement came from, you can prevent future disagreements from arising. You may even create a stronger short-hand with this person as a result.

Back to School and the Play Date

While it’s wonderful when your child goes back to school and makes new friends, sometimes there is a negative side in it for you.

What if your child’s new BFF (best friend forever) is not your favorite child to be around?  How do you set boundaries for your child, and their playmate, when there are obvious differences in the parenting style each child is accustomed?

In handling issues that involve kids and families, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and the parenting style that works best for your family.  But realize that your role as decision maker is also limited to your family.  Below are some important reminders as you navigate these parenting challenges.

1.     Watch your tone – When you need to redirect a child that is not yours, or ask them to follow your rules, do so with a level of tenderness in your voice.  This child is not misbehaving to spite you; he or she may simply have different rules (or no rules) and needs to learn what you expect. 

2.     Respect the other parents – Do not speak negatively about the caregivers of this child in front of him/her, or in front of your own child.  Even if you are stating factual information, like their frequent absence from their son or daughter’s life, it is hurtful.  Imposing any judgment about the other parents is damaging to the friend, and sets a poor example to your child on the importance of accepting differences in others.

3.     Demonstrate Understanding – Begin the conversation by acknowledging that your rules may be uncomfortable for the other child.  Perhaps by comparison, you are strict or seem unfair.  By showing you accept this child’s reality you will gain ground in getting him/her to accept yours.

4.     Set Boundaries – Be clear and concise with the rules this child must follow.  Include your own child in the discussion so that it does not feel punitive, but collaborative.  For example, “In our house, we don’t eat sweets or snacks before dinner.  We have a rule that dessert is earned if you eat most of your dinner.”

5.     Instill Consequences – If there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable to you, let the other child (and yours) know what the consequence will be if they engage in this behavior.  Perhaps the other child must go straight home, or you will cancel their planned sleep-over.  You can prevent many problem behaviors by making the consequences clear beforehand.

6.     Be Consistent – Make sure that the rules you set are consistent with the rules for your child (wherever possible), and are likewise consistent for all their playmates. 

These guidelines will help to keep playtime a positive experience for everyone, even you.

The Scary Question You Need to Ask

Miscommunication occurs so often in our lives – and we are seldom even aware of it.  Our spouse makes a sarcastic comment, our friend replies negatively to our request, a family member retorts, “I knew you would be this way.”

In each of these situations we think we have it all figured out.  We assume we know what they’re saying, what they meant, or why they’re rejecting us.  And yet, I can tell you as a conflict resolution professional, who sees, hears, and experiences these situations every day, the truth is we’re usually wrong.  Yes, usually. 

Even with my awareness and expertise, I frequently find myself caught in the same reactive behaviors.  But, I have a very simple tool I use to help me out of that knee jerk belief.  My tool is a question:  “What did you mean by that?”

While I advocate for saying this with a calm voice, even using it with an irritated one is helpful, as it invites communication. 

Take for example the husband who asks his wife “Honey, are you going to eat all of that?” while looking at her plate.  She’s been dieting to lose weight and feels instantly judged and angry.  How could he be so insensitive?!  Despite her urge to shut down, she instead asks, “What did you mean by that?”  He quickly realizes he’s hurt his wife (improved self-awareness for future interactions), and explains, “I thought you wanted to save some of that for your lunch tomorrow.”  Now she feels supported, rather than hurt.  And they both benefit through better understanding the others reactions/intentions in that moment.

Imagine the possibilities.  If you’re presumption is wrong, it gets corrected immediately and you feel better as in the example above.  If you’re deduction is correct, it still invites discussion - possibly allowing for you to clear the air on a misunderstanding the other holds about you.  Moreover, the question leaves room for you to teach the other person a better way of communicating with you, so that these misunderstandings occur less often.

We operate in fear of these seemingly confrontational discussions, and yet they are liberating.  They heal our relationships as they allow for shared understanding to take place.  They bring depth back to our often surface-level conversations, and make deeper connections with others possible.  They help us to be humble and aware, caring and concerned.

So go ahead, use my tool.  Ask the scary question, “What did you mean by that?”  And be ready to improve your relationships!

Facing the Truth

Facebook, as many of us know, is both a blessing and a curse.  It lets us keep up with friends and loved ones; reconnect with old friends, past flames, and contacts in distant locations; and practically relive our High School and College years.  However, there are large challenges built into that freedom to connect.

One of the most prominent challenges we face is connected with handling the information we can now retrieve.  We voyeuristically examine the actions and updates of those we care about – we see who they spend time with, and what they’ve been doing.  Those dating and in relationships may examine Facebook updates and posts to assess the honestly or loyalty of their companions.  Parents who enjoy this often permitted ability to check-in with their kids are now learning about their child’s friends, romances, and activities online.  In both situations information is achieved through a level of spying not through honest sharing.  And as a result, we’re lost in knowing what to do with, or how to handle the information we receive.

A second, but equally important challenge is connected with determining who you “friend” on these social sites.  Do you want business/professional associates as Facebook friends?  Have you over-connected to those from your past and now you’d like to scale-back those relations?  Do you want to limit the access of your companions or relatives because of the issues noted in the previous paragraph? 

 

And a third, common and unfortunate challenge is that many use this site for a type of escapism.  Some of us find ourselves spending hours posting and perusing updates, playing games, and wasting time that might better be spent enhancing relationships with friends and loved ones who are physically available and in need of our attention.

Fundamental to all of these issues is the need to set boundaries. 

Know what you want – and why you want it.  Do you need and enjoy a few minutes of escapism?  Recognize that for what it is.  You aren’t working, so this is “play” time or “me” time.  Much like watching TV, Facebook fills our desire to escape.  If you’re spending a lot of time in this arena, chances are you’re avoiding dealing with something, or someone.  Be aware of the choice you are making.  

It’s also important to know what you want when it comes to determining who can be your friend.  Perhaps your boundary is to only accept close friends and non-business associates on Facebook.  LinkedIn might be the site you use for business social-networking.  New platforms on Facebook, and sites like Google + that allow you to segregate contacts into “circles” might also be helpful in organizing your connections.   

Finally, the same holds true for those who are virtual spies.  Know what you want to do with that information.  Are you making sure your kids are safe?  Then that is what you can use Facebook for – ensuring their safety.  Not for determining who they choose as a friend unless there is a clear line connecting those two issues. 

Are you verifying your ex-boyfriend hasn’t jilted you for a past love?  Then verification is what you are allowed – not access to confronting him with what you know.  Either you learn that he was trustworthy – or that he wasn’t.  Either way your relationship didn’t work out and Facebook isn’t the way to change that.

Learn their boundaries – and respect them.  How does your family (or your boss!) feel about the time you spend on social networking sites?  

When it comes to who you connect with – keep in mind your children may have “friended” you because they felt pressured to do so, or were worried they’d hurt you by refusing.  Your new love may have wanted to demonstrate their growing interest in you, but may not be ready to announce you’re involvement with one another via a publicly pronounced change in “relationship status”.

Ask questions to determine what their boundaries are with letting you see deeper into their world.

Set your own boundaries ­­- and be clear about them.  That may mean limiting who you friend or on what site (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.)  you “friend” them.   It may mean sharing your comfort level with your social-networking friends regarding what sort of information or photos you’re comfortable with them posting about you.  It may also mean setting boundaries for yourself regarding how much “play” time you spend on social networking. 

All of these skills in setting boundaries require a degree of self-exploration along with the ability to have honest communication with those in your life.  For more suggestions and advice on that, please feel free to peruse our other articles on that subject.  To enhance your skills through communication training, please contact me at Candice@MediatingSolutions.com