Three Steps to Diffusing Tension

How do you move from argument into productive discussion?
You’ve been there – going through your day, keeping to yourself, when suddenly someone begins to push your buttons, argue, accuse or blame.  Perhaps it’s simply their tone or body language that gives rise to this tension.  But the result is the same, you’re being baited to argue back or defend yourself.

What can you do? 

First – Slow Down.   Most people are surprised to find themselves in an argument – and react accordingly by sparring back.   This includes the instigator.  S/he may be irritable and behaving inappropriately and yet unaware of how others are experiencing his/her behavior.  Matching that unpleasant demeanor will only escalate matters causing greater conflict and tension.
 

Second – Gain Perspective.  Whether on the spot or over the course of a few hours, try to consider where the other person is coming from.  What is impacting them?  Are they going through something (personally or otherwise) that’s causing inflated stress?  Be sure to explore your own flaws, responsibilities, or role in the situation.

Third – Ask a Question.  Rather than engaging in the battle that you believe is being waged, try to disarm the other person with an associated question.  Keeping your own tone even, seek to find out if they are under extreme stress, if you have caused them difficulty, or simply if they want to talk about what is upsetting them.  When your own tone is concerned and engaging, rather than provocative, you help them to identify the problem or to recognize their own behavior.                    

At this point, most would-be arguments have moved to a more honest and productive place.  Your next step will depend on the content of the discussion that ensued.   Perhaps you will offer to help, offer the change, or simply to give the other person space, time, or a needed hug.

Changing The Phantom Culture

Google the words “company culture” and you’ll find nearly ¾ billion results.  Yet ask business leaders to define their company’s culture or to discuss ways their culture was created or changed, and the results are minimal.  Company culture it seems, is a bit of an enigma. 

On the surface, it’s often characterized as a product of the company’s values, beliefs, and behaviors.  But when the stated values, beliefs, and behaviors take a detour from the reality of daily business activities, the culture isn’t living up to the mission of the organization.  And most certainly the employees know it, further destabilizing the potential of that purported culture to ever take hold.  As an added concern, the opportunity for the company culture to positively impact clients, customers, and consumers is lost as well.

So where does the declared culture separate from reality?  The divide occurs through daily interactions, and decisions, through policies and practices.  Look to the following to determine where your culture is truly defined:

1.      Rewards.  Who and what is promoted in your company?  Are the hardest and most competent workers rewarded in kind?  Do employee attitude or workplace relations factor into opportunities and pay raises?  How are requests for paid time off granted?  Also looks at areas of nepotism, loyalty (regardless of competency), and highest sales performance (regardless of attitude).  How each of these is rewarded will also impact your company culture.

2.      Punishment.  Who is terminated and why?  Does poor behavior, insubordination, dishonesty, or other problem behavior get addressed – and punished – in a swift and decisive manner?  Are problem people allowed to move about seemingly untouched?  How many opportunities is staff given to change/improve before consequences set in? 

3.      Communication.  How open are the channels of communication?  Do staff have a voice in discussing things that impact them – like a new computer program or a recent update to how work-load is to be calculated?  Or are they blind-sided or surprised by things that are occurring or changes that are implemented?  Can staff adequately rely on the chain of command for getting information to or from where it needs to be?  Is communication one-way (ie: top-down) or reciprocal? 

4.      Teamwork.  How do people work together?  Are teams thoughtfully created with competent leaders put in charge?  Is blame or finger-pointing a problem?  Are accountability and personal responsibility being reinforced?  Are collaboration and operational reciprocity a reality or are people or divisions siloed and disconnected? 

5.      Conflict Management.  How are tensions or conflicts managed?  Are people encouraged to seek help or left to deal with issues themselves?  Are people in leadership roles trained in basic conflict management?  When help is offered, is it legitimate and multi-tiered or superficial and temporary?  Do managers and leaders receive training in employee relations or conflict management?    

The above questions offer just the start for examining the factors which determine your company's true culture.  We hope they pose a healthy challenge to all companies looking to create or improve their own company culture.