Three Steps to Diffusing Tension

How do you move from argument into productive discussion?
You’ve been there – going through your day, keeping to yourself, when suddenly someone begins to push your buttons, argue, accuse or blame.  Perhaps it’s simply their tone or body language that gives rise to this tension.  But the result is the same, you’re being baited to argue back or defend yourself.

What can you do? 

First – Slow Down.   Most people are surprised to find themselves in an argument – and react accordingly by sparring back.   This includes the instigator.  S/he may be irritable and behaving inappropriately and yet unaware of how others are experiencing his/her behavior.  Matching that unpleasant demeanor will only escalate matters causing greater conflict and tension.
 

Second – Gain Perspective.  Whether on the spot or over the course of a few hours, try to consider where the other person is coming from.  What is impacting them?  Are they going through something (personally or otherwise) that’s causing inflated stress?  Be sure to explore your own flaws, responsibilities, or role in the situation.

Third – Ask a Question.  Rather than engaging in the battle that you believe is being waged, try to disarm the other person with an associated question.  Keeping your own tone even, seek to find out if they are under extreme stress, if you have caused them difficulty, or simply if they want to talk about what is upsetting them.  When your own tone is concerned and engaging, rather than provocative, you help them to identify the problem or to recognize their own behavior.                    

At this point, most would-be arguments have moved to a more honest and productive place.  Your next step will depend on the content of the discussion that ensued.   Perhaps you will offer to help, offer the change, or simply to give the other person space, time, or a needed hug.

Reclaiming Control of Your Temper

Have you ever thought about your anger?  About what pushes your buttons, sets you off, or really frustrates you?  I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  And I’m not talking about the people, and behaviors, that are likely triggers.  They will always

be there.   Instead, I’m thinking more broadly and introspectively.  I’m looking at the choices I make which set the wheels in motion for me to be more easily agitated.  Here’s what I’ve noticed:

For me, stress is a precursor to anger. 

I am calmer on days when I’m engaged in one or two long tasks rather than a dozen short ones.  I’m more easily frustrated when I’m concerned about time.  And, unfortunately, I am especially compromised when those two situations overlap, which they often do.  The more things I attempt to accomplish in a day, the more rushed and time conscious I have to be.  All of these situations cause me to feel stressed, and ultimately leave me less tolerant of the behaviors of others.

Knowing these internal triggers is helpful, but knowing what I can do about them is even better.  Here are a few things I’m trying to do to manage my stress and reclaim control of my temper – and therefore my life.

1.      Consciously plan my day and week.  I’ve realized that being booked end to end with meetings and engagements – enjoyable or not – takes a toll on me.  Especially with having two young children who require a well of my energy at the end of the day.  As a result, I’ve been pairing down my activities and commitments and am trying to be conscious of my energy levels.

2.      Limiting use of my smart phone.  Do I need to check email every 20 minutes?  No.  Especially since if it’s actually an important/business email I most likely don’t have the time or resources necessary to respond if I’m out of the office.  Using it during off hours also presents a challenge.  I need to allow myself DOWN time.

3.      Taking a walk.  Being outside, in the fresh air always rejuvenates me and builds me up.  My mood is better and of course it’s good for my body too.

4.      Saying “No”.  No to joining committees, volunteering, or participating in activities that are not deeply important to me.  As a people pleaser this is difficult – but I keep perspective by remembering that I must consciously plan my time, and that my goal of being calm and peaceful is vitally important.

While managing stress levels may not be your solution to managing your temper, I hope it encourages you to look inward and determine what situations are precursors for your own.  Learning these things about yourself is an important step to mitigating conflicts, managing mood, and maintaining healthy relationships.