Shock.
Horror.
Disbelief.
These are all reactions we might have when asked an inappropriate or
uncomfortable question.
Questions like, “How
much money did you spend on your last vacation?”, “What brought on that sudden
weight change?” or “Is that your natural hair color?” In a workplace or
interview setting the questions might instead be, “What was your severance
package?” or “Describe your last boss’ biggest flaw.”
Questions like these are not just inappropriate, they are
intrusive. They attempt a level of closeness
or intimacy that is undesired and unwarranted.
They ask us to reveal things about ourselves or our life that we may not
want to reveal. And, they allude to a pending
judgment based on our response.
Very often, these inappropriate questions leave us
speechless and unsure of how to respond.
Do we answer the question?
Reprimand the person asking? Say
nothing and let the question hang? Most
often our goal is simply to bring the conversation back onto neutral ground
gracefully and tactfully. Below are some
guidelines and some suggestions of how to do just that.
1.
Take a deep
breath. This sounds simple, but it serves
several purposes. It helps keep you
calm, it provides you with a few extra moments to decide how to respond, and finally,
it gives the asker reason to reconsider what they’ve just asked – potentially leading
to a retraction or apology for the question itself.
2.
Respond
with grace and tact. We’ve all heard
the adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”.
The same is true here. Shaming
the person who’s asking, or otherwise putting them down will only serve to make
the moment more uncomfortable. Instead,
let them save face by not drawing added attention to the question, but rather
redirecting it to a more appropriate one.
3.
Use humor. This may mean a light chuckle at the
question, or a friendly but teasing reply of “You didn’t really just ask me
that?”
4.
Be honest. It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable
answering that question.”
5.
Mirror it.
Ask the question back, changing the
focus to how it relates to them. For
example, you can respond to a question about vacation spending with: “Are you looking for affordable vacation
spots?” - This response works regardless
of how extravagant your vacation may have been, because it puts the focus on
their budget.
6.
Ask “Why..?” As inappropriate as a question may seem to
you, perhaps the person asking has a valid reason (or thinks they do) for
asking it. Rather than offering an
answer, respond with, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you want to know?” Be sure however, to keep your tone open and
inquisitive not irritated or angry.
7.
Silence. Sometimes, ignoring the question is the
best response. As you do so, try smiling
politely, and acknowledging the other person with a moment of direct eye
contact. This has the impact of saying “I’m
not comfortable” without actually stating it.
As you choose your best response, it’s wise to consider your
relationship to the person. Is this a
friend, relative, acquaintance, or an interviewer for a job? Has this person asked you inappropriate
questions in the past? Your relationship
and experience with them should play an important guide in determining your
response. If it’s an interviewer for a
job you may choose to ask why or to be honest about your discomfort. If it’s an acquaintance you may choose humor
or silence. And if it’s a person who
often pushes your boundaries, mirroring their question or asking why might be
your best bet in correcting the behavior now – and in the future.
Managing these difficult or uncomfortable moments, as
described, has the added benefit of demonstrating your respect for yourself,
and for the other person. It also creates
the opportunity for better relationships and better communication.
