OFF-BOARDING

Because You Only Get One Chance to Fire An Employee, You Better Do It Right.

“I’ve had it.  I’m going to fire her.” said Ernie as I answered the phone.  He was fed up with Barbara, his COO, who had been with him from the early days of his business’ inception.

I knew Barbara and Ernie well.  I’d worked with them separately and together as they worked to build Ernie’s business.  Ernie, your quintessential leader, was free-spirited and visionary.  He had a passion and exuberance that inspired his employees, and transitioned prospects into customers.  Barbara brought balance to the equation.  Practical and level-headed Barbara had been instrumental in creating templates and processes.  She understood Ernie’s vision, but stayed focused in the reality of what needed to happen to bring those ideas into fruition.   

Ernie had valued Barbara’s grounded nature and global perspective in the early days.  Her dedication to process and function, freed him to pursue the company’s vision.  But now, as the business had stabilized and grown, he felt inhibited by her involvement.  Ernie recounted to me several instances in which Barbara’s actions had restricted growth or interfered with his authority.  “I need to take back control of my company.” Ernie said, “And she has to go.” 

  

Ernie said he called me for guidance on how to go about this.  He wasn’t concerned about litigation, he told me.  He planned to compensate Barbara well for what she’d helped him to accomplish.  But, he didn’t want to create a permanent chasm to their relationship.  He’d been through that before with another termination and it still haunted him. 

I asked Ernie to share what he had planned to say.  He broke into a mini-speech, role playing his intended conversation with Barbara.  He included details of why Barbara was no longer a good fit, how she would be compensated, and reminders of how they had not seen eye to eye on several issues.  After he was done, Ernie shared with me that he wants it to go smoothly as he may need her on a consultancy level in the future. 

“I’m glad you called.” I tell Ernie, “I don’t think that conversation would have gone smoothly.”

A critical point in terminating an employee is to remember that this final interaction will be a memorable and lasting one.  It will overshadow most other interactions, and will largely determine the employee's attitude about you, and your organization, going forward.  "Off-boarding" therefore, must be respectful, thoughtful, and honest.  

Here are some key points:

1.    Be Gentle – But Get To The Point  Terminations are typically uncomfortable for everyone involved, don’t make it worse by engaging in small talk.  This wrongly suggests that everything is fine just before the axe is dropped.  Instead, give a brief warning statement that you “have difficult news to share”.  Then succinctly state that they are being let go.

2.    Allow Them To Ask “Why?”  Give space for the employee to ask this and other questions (now, and in the stages that follow).  Allow them the opportunity to feel heard.  The process of terminating an employee is just that, a process.  One worthy of a two-sided conversation. 

3.    Explain Without Blame  Share with the terminating employee the reasons things no longer work.  Keep your focus on the actions/behaviors you had hoped to see, but which were not (sufficiently) occurring.  Describing the absence of desired behaviors allows you to explain without blame.  This helps mitigate defensiveness and denial, while also acting as a teaching moment for the departing employee.

4.    Remind Them Of Their Value  Yes!  After describing where they fell short, tell them where they had excelled or where you believe they will excel in their next job.  For some employees this may be a harder stretch, but it helps support their ego, and facilitates their ability to focus their energy toward their next job.

5.    Note Your Appreciation  Most employees have contributed to your organization – acknowledge this and thank them for it.

6.    Go Over Logistics  The above five steps are all intended to be somewhat open and conversational.  Now you can (safely) transition into the logistics of the separation of employment.  It is in this stage that you may begin to engage them in comments relative to the “exit interview”. 

7.    Say Your Goodbyes  End the conversation by thanking them.  It may be for their years of service, for their open sharing during this process of separation, or for other reasons.  If you have a personal friendship with the person you are terminating, this is where you might reconnect with them on that level, speaking to how your (personal) connection will continue.

Other little, but very important considerations are to use a kind voice and to keep your demeanor professional but friendly.  You only get once chance to fire an employee, do it right.

The Perfect Apology

Have you ever found the words “I’m sorry” fall short of accomplishing anything?   Sometimes they seem to hover ineptly above us.  Not only do they fail to penetrate the hurt of the other person, they leave us feeling foolish, confused, and frustrated.  Rather than repairing the damage, they increase the divide leaving us both feeling angry and misunderstood.  As the apologizer, we may even come to the conclusion that it isn’t worth the trouble.  And yet, without it, our relationships suffer. 

Here’s why it often goes wrong.  For the words “I’m sorry” to hold any true meaning, two fundamental things are required:  Head and Heart.  

 

HEAD

When we are hurt, especially by a loved one, we want them to know the reasons we feel hurt or injured.  Our desire to feel understood is profound, even if it is never verbalized.  That is why an apology that lacks clear understanding, whether it’s made out of pity or love, falls short of repairing the damage. 

To get it right:  Ask questions to learn, or clarify, why the other person is sad or hurt.  Seek to understand them and your apology - if sincere - will have true depth and meaning.

HEART

Being understood is important for any apology.  But so is the feeling that we matter.  We want the other person to feel a concern that we were hurt and a desire to make it better.  Without that, the words “I’m sorry” seem intended only to appease us, not to repair.  And they fail to do so. 

To get it right:  Genuinely show you care about the other person and their concerns.  Validate their feelings.  Acknowledge the reasons you are sorry and find out what they need (from you) to move on. 

When both our head and our heart feel satisfied, an apology feels sincere and is easy to accept.  We can move forward with renewed trust and a deeper more meaningful love and understanding of each other.  With head and heart, our apologies are accepted, and our relationships can be repaired.

Probiotics for your Cross-“Cultural” Interactions

As technology increases our reach, many of us find a significant part of our daily interaction involves transacting across borders and cultures. Yet we rarely consider the impact of these cross-cultural interactions.  While cultural barriers are not always apparent (i.e. differences in language, script or dress) – they are most certainly felt.  And their “invisibility” often means that we bump (or crash) into them when we least expect it.

Recently, a colleague of mine was emailed a document on “Japanese Business Etiquette” before her meeting with 

executives visiting from Japan. We chuckled over the list that covered a range of topics, including how to present and receive a business card, the appropriate ways to discuss your family, what to wear and personal habits. It was almost offensive to receive such a document as a “normal and respectful professional” because a receipt of such a list suggested otherwise!  Despite the unintended offense, this type of document is a good way to forewarn parties of cultural differences and norms ahead of negotiations. 

However, not all cross-cultural interactions and negotiations come from a business-to-business environment where a prescriptive list is provided.  Some may arise as components of e-Commerce or through our communication on social networks.  People can be offended and transactions, halted.  In fact, cross-generational interactions can involve similar challenges often impacting the workforce. 

We Must Connect – (Let’s make it our New Year’s Resolution)

I am frustrated.  We’re all frustrated.  And sad.  And angry.  And feeling so painfully helpless.  We point our angry, helpless finger at seemingly responsible aspects of our society:  Gun legislation, mental health issues, and violence in the media.  We point a finger and place blame, all the while neglecting to notice the bigger issue, the one in which we are all responsible and can all make an impact – the need to foster and heal our own relationships.

We are losing our ability to make profound and important connections, even with those we love most.   Most concerningly, with the youngest members of our society - children.  Where does this void lead them?  Isolation, depression, acting out?   And in some sad situations, it has the ability to lead to extreme behaviors as well.  This may not mean picking up a gun…but it might mean finding ways to “connect” that involve illicit drugs, or joining fringe groups that fill a missing sense of belonging.  It may mean suicidal behaviors.

We see children of all ages detached from their families – playing on handheld devices of various forms.  Parents, grandparents, and other caregivers do the same as they text and connect with others while their children shout, “Watch me! Watch me!”  And these children get older, having never fully adopted healthy skills of social interaction.  Their fractured ability to connect is evident as they fail to interact with their peers – often texting in lieu of face to face interactions.  I fail to see any upside to this.

Are we – collectively - raising a generation of detached children?  A generation who are profoundly more detached that any previous one due to our behaviors and choices.  “I don’t have kids” you say.  But no doubt you grew up making eye contact with people other than your parents.  You still do this today, though probably not as routinely, because you learned how.  We all need to get back to this.  We all have a stake in the game when we too are at risk of experiencing violent or deadly behaviors.

An FBI study of shooter incidents in the United States from 2000 – 2013 shows an alarming trend of an increased frequency of such incidents.  What else has changed drastically in that time period?  Not gun ownership, not mental health issues.  What has changed is our use of and reliance on social media.  In fact it has grown with exponential force. 

As a society we need to bring change.  None of us can excuse our own behavior when it involves using our smart phone while in the company of others.  Whether we know the people we are with or not.  We must realize that we are a part of the problem and a part of the solution.  Failing to do so is damaging the fabric of our society, and with each new act of violence, we feel our safety compromised, and the rug being ripped out from underneath us a bit more.  We must connect.

What if?

Today, in our latest experience of terrorist threats, I am compelled to ask….

What if the threat is real?

What if we are in danger?

What if we can’t do anything about it?

What if we had a choice?

What if we looked at our options?

What if we looked at each other?

What if we looked to each other?

What if we looked each other in the eyes?

What if we did that for a moment longer?

What if we joined hands?

What if we held hands?

What if we banded together?

What if we could bond together?

What if what’s missing, is connecting? 

What if you could take steps to change that?

What if we could feel safe?

What if it only took making an effort?
What if you did make that effort?
What if we all did?

We feel safe when we are with others.  Even, especially, when we are in danger.  We need to stop isolating.  We need to stop connecting in a superficial way and begin doing it in a meaningful way.  With our children, our parents, our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers, the waitress, the store clerk, the stranger we pass in the hall, or on the street.  We need to start.  We need to take control of the life we want to lead.

Workplace Violence - Stop the Wait and See NOW

Yesterday's shooting in San Bernadino, CA - while now known as a terrorist attack, also serves as a horrifying reminder of the potential for workplace violence.  It prompted me to share this (updated) article from three years ago.  This article is a reminder that there are warning signs, and there are things we can do to prevent workplace hostility.  Waiting, and hoping for things to magically get better, isn't an acceptable solution.  Gun legislation won't change the situations that cause someone to want to get a gun.   Something else has to give.
 
All too often we miss the warning signs...and there are many.  Single incidents of conflict or tension may upset or confuse, but they don’t trigger a drastic response.  Rather, it is the historical repetition of events – be it bullying, intimidation, refusal to cooperate, or other unfair, unkind behaviors – which lead to reactive and explosive measures.  The problem is, if we focus on the violence, we are looking for solutions in the wrong places.

As a conflict resolution and management expert, I frequently see bad workplace behaviors that have gone unchecked.  And while most individuals don't respond with violence - they do respond.  You see it in the form of employee turnover, increased absenteeism, theft, harassment claims, EEOC complaints, etc.  

Most, if not all, of this is preventable.  It begins with staff having a trusted place to bring their concerns.  It continues when they believe that by bringing their concerns forward, they will get help.  It is complete when there is a firm resolution, by leaders and managers, to bring swift, decisive intervention when problems perpetuate. 

Conflict management readiness is, for this reason, vital to all businesses.  Staff must learn skills in conflict communication.  Human Resources, leaders and managers must have skills for addressing workplace problems in a way that empowers, rather than punishes, staff whenever possible.  And formal conflict resolution, such as mediation, must be engaged at the earliest possible time if other efforts fail to yield the desired results.

If you have questions about how to address these issues, or want to discuss the concerns of your workplace, please contact us for a free consultation.

Lessons Learned from a Blue Dog

As I was driving my daughter home from school one day we discussed her most recent, holiday inspired, work of art.  I suggested that we temporarily place it where we had hung her “Blue Dog” painting.  She agrees…and then a few moments later asks, “Don’t you like my Blue Dog?”  Surprised, as I absolutely love her art work and frequently tell her so, I said “Of course I do.” – Then I went on to explain the limited space we have for hang-able art.  “But” she says, “I heard you say you didn’t like ‘Blue Dog’”.  And she was right.  I had said exactly that.  What she didn’t know however, was that I wasn’t referring to her artwork, but a restaurant I wasn’t fond of.  That conversation had happened two weeks earlier.  Right in front of her.  And I never gave it a thought.

 

For two weeks my daughter sat with that criticism while her Blue Dog hung prominently in our home. 

Why does this matter to you? 

This misunderstanding hits at the core of how many conflicts develop.  My daughter heard me right – but understood me wrong.  How could she have known – or even anticipated that?  How did this impact her for the two weeks she sat on it?  How often were her emotional outbursts and challenging behavior (which were worse during that timeframe) directly related to her being hurt by me?

In both our workplace and our personal lives we are capable of experiencing these misunderstandings.  We feel certain and convinced that the hurt was intentional – How could anything else be the case?  And yet, the Blue Dog teaches us.

Here are the lessons I hope to bring:

Be Brave.  When you feel hurt, talk about it with the person that hurt you.  (If a 6 years old can do it, so can you).

Give the Benefit of the Doubt.  It may look, sound, or feel like someone is being unkind, unfair, or intentionally hurtful.  But before you make that determination, talk to him/her.  There may be more going on than meets the eye.

Ask Questions.  Don’t look to prove your case or find evidence supporting your belief.  Instead, ask questions to find out more information.  It’s ok to be persistent if you are confused by the initial answers.  Had my daughter simply stopped asking questions when I said “Of course (I like her Blue Dog)”, she may have thought I was lying or trying to deceive her. 

Be Open to the Conversation.  When you are being asked questions about your intent, or more to the point, being told you’ve hurt someone, listen to them.  Try to understand where your actions have created pain or harm for someone, and offer clarity, perspective, or even an apology when appropriate.

Forgive.  Hurt, caused with or without malice, can bring out the worst in us.  My daughter had to make peace with the knowledge that I had not intended to hurt her so she could release her pain.  I had to let go of my irritation with the anger she had been displaying.  We both needed to forgive each other.

I was reminded of all this and more from my daughter.  I thanked her for her courage.  I encouraged her to continue to confront the things that hurt her.  I forgave her for the behavior that had come out of that experience. 

I encourage you to do the same.