Honesty - Do You Have the Courage (to do it right)?

I have found that the biggest difference in a person's ability to manage conflicts in their own life stems from their courage to be honest. But, there is more than one way to be honest.   And most people do not choose the path that benefits both the person sharing their thoughts and the listener who has to take in the bit of honesty.

Honesty, used for the purpose of managing conflict, is thoughtful, careful, and complete.  It seeks to offer information with the presumption that this information will be enlightening and helpful to the other person. How is this different than what most people do?  Here are a few examples of the wrong kind of honesty and why it doesn't work: 
 

Being “brutally” honest – We’ve all experienced this one.  The words sting and we often don’t know what prompted them.  Brutal honesty suggests that one needs to injure the other person to bring about change.  While the receiver may get the correct message (they also may not), they also get with it a very negative association with the speaker and those who they believe may have influenced the speaker.  This impacts the likelihood and the type of change you will see.

Rambling or telling stories – Often in our desire to be gentle in our delivery, we muddle the information burying it with examples, stories, or our own insecurities.  Honesty takes courage.  Without it, the listener may fail to focus on exactly what you are sharing.  They are left to guess at the point of conversation.  Worst case scenario?  The person sharing may think his/her point is clear.  As a result, any lack of change may be seen as unwillingness by the recipient to make change, when in reality, s/he simply missed the point. 

Teasing the truth – Many people, out of their own discomfort with sharing difficult information will instead use teasing comments as “feedback” to the other person.  They may think their vocalized observations or sarcastic remarks are giving the other person a clear picture of what is wrong and what to change, but this rarely works.  Unfortunately, this option creates a combination of the problems noted in the two examples above; leaving both parties irritated and frustrated. 

A few pointers on how to do it better:

1. Be Kind – It’s hard to hear criticism.
2. Be Direct - Respect that the other person can handle the truth and give it to them.
3. Be Complete – Without story-telling, explain the problem and its impact.   

This is easier than you might think.  Most of the time, when a person is telling me what they wish they could tell the other person, they have in fact just done all those things.  So what makes it so hard to do with the real intended recipient?  I think it is our fear of having the conversation, coupled with our belief that the other person is knowingly or intentionally behaving in a way that upsets us.  In other words, we expect resistance or perhaps a fight.

So let me add a final pointer:

4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt – Believe that they don’t know, but do care about what you are about to tell them.

Honesty is such a beautiful tool in managing conflict and our relationships as a whole.  It’s something we all must learn to do well.

Now What? Responding to the Inappropriate Quesiton

Shock.  Horror.  Disbelief.  These are all reactions we might have when asked an inappropriate or uncomfortable question.  Questions like, “How much money did you spend on your last vacation?”, “What brought on that sudden weight change?” or “Is that your natural hair color?” In a workplace or interview setting the questions might instead be, “What was your severance package?” or “Describe your last boss’ biggest flaw.” 

Questions like these are not just inappropriate, they are intrusive.  They attempt a level of closeness or intimacy that is undesired and unwarranted.  They ask us to reveal things about ourselves or our life that we may not want to reveal.  And, they allude to a pending judgment based on our response. 

Very often, these inappropriate questions leave us speechless and unsure of how to respond.  Do we answer the question?  Reprimand the person asking?  Say nothing and let the question hang?  Most often our goal is simply to bring the conversation back onto neutral ground gracefully and tactfully.  Below are some guidelines and some suggestions of how to do just that.

1.      Take a deep breath.  This sounds simple, but it serves several purposes.  It helps keep you calm, it provides you with a few extra moments to decide how to respond, and finally, it gives the asker reason to reconsider what they’ve just asked – potentially leading to a retraction or apology for the question itself.

2.      Respond with grace and tact.  We’ve all heard the adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  The same is true here.  Shaming the person who’s asking, or otherwise putting them down will only serve to make the moment more uncomfortable.  Instead, let them save face by not drawing added attention to the question, but rather redirecting it to a more appropriate one.

3.      Use humor.  This may mean a light chuckle at the question, or a friendly but teasing reply of “You didn’t really just ask me that?”

4.      Be honest.  It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable answering that question.”

5.      Mirror it.  Ask the question back, changing the focus to how it relates to them.  For example, you can respond to a question about vacation spending with: “Are you looking for affordable vacation spots?”  - This response works regardless of how extravagant your vacation may have been, because it puts the focus on their budget. 

6.      Ask “Why..?”  As inappropriate as a question may seem to you, perhaps the person asking has a valid reason (or thinks they do) for asking it.  Rather than offering an answer, respond with, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you want to know?”  Be sure however, to keep your tone open and inquisitive not irritated or angry.

7.      Silence.  Sometimes, ignoring the question is the best response.  As you do so, try smiling politely, and acknowledging the other person with a moment of direct eye contact.  This has the impact of saying “I’m not comfortable” without actually stating it.

As you choose your best response, it’s wise to consider your relationship to the person.  Is this a friend, relative, acquaintance, or an interviewer for a job?  Has this person asked you inappropriate questions in the past?  Your relationship and experience with them should play an important guide in determining your response.  If it’s an interviewer for a job you may choose to ask why or to be honest about your discomfort.  If it’s an acquaintance you may choose humor or silence.  And if it’s a person who often pushes your boundaries, mirroring their question or asking why might be your best bet in correcting the behavior now – and in the future.

Managing these difficult or uncomfortable moments, as described, has the added benefit of demonstrating your respect for yourself, and for the other person.  It also creates the opportunity for better relationships and better communication.