Preschool Wisdom meets the Modern Workplace

Developing teams who work well together and support one another is an on-going challenge – and a frequent topic of my articles. However I recently recognized a way to address that challenge that’s so simple it brings to mind the popular book of nearly 25 years ago, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum.

The revelation is based on an activity at my daughter's school which keeps kids connected and engaged, (qualities all employers want of their staff) while bolstering their self-esteem and giving them opportunities to be a leader (qualities that are difficult to both develop and assess). The activity is Share Day, and here’s how it works: Each child has an assigned time when he or she gets to share something with his classmates – by way of show and tell, and they get to ask questions about it. Through this activity the children get to know each other better, learn of their shared interests, and develop a level of interpersonal appreciation and respect for one another.

Apply that lesson to a business setting and the outcomes could be far greater. Share Day would facilitate staff in getting to know one another beyond the scope of their work. It would create an atmosphere of understanding and compassion, which translates into better workplace relations and stronger teamwork. It can help shy and quiet staff to connect with their coworkers, and it creates a platform for developing – and recognizing - natural leaders that others will follow.

There’s more good news. Share Day creates a specified time and place for engaging in personal conversation. This means staff would know when they get to share, and likewise, when not to share. Share Day presents staff with an appropriate place to talk about their recent accomplishment, to brag about their kids, or to share good or bad news that is affecting them. Rather than sending non-work related emails, this would be the forum in which staff could talk about their recent vacation, ask for sponsors for the marathon they'll be running, or to buy cookies for their child's scouting troop.

Here are a few guidelines for implementing Share Day at your company or organization:

1. Incorporate "sharing" into team meetings, either as the warm up, or as a way of closing the meeting.
2. Limit Share Day groups to a maximum of 12 people. If you have more than that, the team should be divided into logical groups based upon who staff work most closely with.
3. Limit each person’s sharing to 5-7 minutes. Lunch and breaks are the time for added sharing if desired.
4. Share Day does not need to be a part of every meeting, but should occur about once a month.
5. Each person should be allowed (and scheduled) to “share” about once a quarter.
6. Strongly encourage all staff to participate when it is their turn. Allowing staff to opt out will likely cause other staff to feel vulnerable or judged by their peers and ultimately undermine your goal of improving teamwork and employee relations.
7. Have a kick-off meeting in which staff help in creating rules for Share Day.

Remember that the immediate goal is to help staff bond. Bonding yields trust, better workplace relations, higher productivity, greater loyalty, lower turnover, etc. If you follow the guidelines above, you are spending less than 20 minutes a month on staff relations, and likely yielding a huge return on that small investment.

Back to School and the Play Date

While it’s wonderful when your child goes back to school and makes new friends, sometimes there is a negative side in it for you.

What if your child’s new BFF (best friend forever) is not your favorite child to be around?  How do you set boundaries for your child, and their playmate, when there are obvious differences in the parenting style each child is accustomed?

In handling issues that involve kids and families, the most important thing you can do is be true to yourself, and the parenting style that works best for your family.  But realize that your role as decision maker is also limited to your family.  Below are some important reminders as you navigate these parenting challenges.

1.     Watch your tone – When you need to redirect a child that is not yours, or ask them to follow your rules, do so with a level of tenderness in your voice.  This child is not misbehaving to spite you; he or she may simply have different rules (or no rules) and needs to learn what you expect. 

2.     Respect the other parents – Do not speak negatively about the caregivers of this child in front of him/her, or in front of your own child.  Even if you are stating factual information, like their frequent absence from their son or daughter’s life, it is hurtful.  Imposing any judgment about the other parents is damaging to the friend, and sets a poor example to your child on the importance of accepting differences in others.

3.     Demonstrate Understanding – Begin the conversation by acknowledging that your rules may be uncomfortable for the other child.  Perhaps by comparison, you are strict or seem unfair.  By showing you accept this child’s reality you will gain ground in getting him/her to accept yours.

4.     Set Boundaries – Be clear and concise with the rules this child must follow.  Include your own child in the discussion so that it does not feel punitive, but collaborative.  For example, “In our house, we don’t eat sweets or snacks before dinner.  We have a rule that dessert is earned if you eat most of your dinner.”

5.     Instill Consequences – If there are certain behaviors that are unacceptable to you, let the other child (and yours) know what the consequence will be if they engage in this behavior.  Perhaps the other child must go straight home, or you will cancel their planned sleep-over.  You can prevent many problem behaviors by making the consequences clear beforehand.

6.     Be Consistent – Make sure that the rules you set are consistent with the rules for your child (wherever possible), and are likewise consistent for all their playmates. 

These guidelines will help to keep playtime a positive experience for everyone, even you.

Get Your Hands Untied

How often do Human Resources or managers get accused of ignoring problems, taking sides, or playing favorites?  It seems employees feel that unless a person is fired, or publicly flogged, not enough has been done to remedy a problematic situation.  Complicating matters further, Human Resources (and other authority figures in the workplace) are bound by confidentiality and often cannot reveal how they are handling an issue.

Allowing this conundrum to remain brings some employees to believe that sharing information with management does nothing to help, yet leaves them exposed.  They’ll stop telling you about their concerns even if they continue to be impacted by them.  Morale will drop, workplace relations suffer, and unplanned turnover will increase.  In some cases, an employee will feel violated and, if they happen to be of a protected class, may file a grievance or a lawsuit claiming discrimination.

What can you do?  While the law may leave you feeling your hands are tied, here are five things you can, and should, do when hearing a complaint.

1. Hear both sides.  It sounds silly, but all too often the crux of such concerns occur when a person of authority takes action or makes a decision based on just one person’s side of a story. 
2. Take notes.  Not copious notes, just enough to show you’re actually listening and trying to keep track of the situation.  Remember if it matters to them, they need to know it matters to you too.
3. Help them to resolve it themselves.  Many of the complaints HR and managers hear have to do with interpersonal issues.  They aren’t issues which typically require intervention.  In such cases, encouraging the person to handle it themselves is often the right choice.  To offer support, you may want to role play, provide mentoring, or offer to be present when the concerned party approaches the source of their complaint.  
4. Keep them informed.  Tell them what you’re going to do (generally), and why.  Perhaps it’s not appropriate to act on a first time concern, but you are taking notes and plan to keep an eye on the situation.  Or maybe the issue does require intervention.  Simply let them know that you will be taking action, but that due to confidentiality you cannot disclose any other details.  In either situation, be honest about your decision-making. 
5. Tell them to keep you informed.  This may be the most important step as it assures the concerned party that you do want to help and are not ignoring their concerns.  Urge them to come to you if the situation continues or worsens.  Remind them that you cannot be of help if you are not aware of the problem.

 

By responding to complaints in this manner, you will better control morale, turnover, and issues of conflict in the workplace. 

The Scary Question You Need to Ask

Miscommunication occurs so often in our lives – and we are seldom even aware of it.  Our spouse makes a sarcastic comment, our friend replies negatively to our request, a family member retorts, “I knew you would be this way.”

In each of these situations we think we have it all figured out.  We assume we know what they’re saying, what they meant, or why they’re rejecting us.  And yet, I can tell you as a conflict resolution professional, who sees, hears, and experiences these situations every day, the truth is we’re usually wrong.  Yes, usually. 

Even with my awareness and expertise, I frequently find myself caught in the same reactive behaviors.  But, I have a very simple tool I use to help me out of that knee jerk belief.  My tool is a question:  “What did you mean by that?”

While I advocate for saying this with a calm voice, even using it with an irritated one is helpful, as it invites communication. 

Take for example the husband who asks his wife “Honey, are you going to eat all of that?” while looking at her plate.  She’s been dieting to lose weight and feels instantly judged and angry.  How could he be so insensitive?!  Despite her urge to shut down, she instead asks, “What did you mean by that?”  He quickly realizes he’s hurt his wife (improved self-awareness for future interactions), and explains, “I thought you wanted to save some of that for your lunch tomorrow.”  Now she feels supported, rather than hurt.  And they both benefit through better understanding the others reactions/intentions in that moment.

Imagine the possibilities.  If you’re presumption is wrong, it gets corrected immediately and you feel better as in the example above.  If you’re deduction is correct, it still invites discussion - possibly allowing for you to clear the air on a misunderstanding the other holds about you.  Moreover, the question leaves room for you to teach the other person a better way of communicating with you, so that these misunderstandings occur less often.

We operate in fear of these seemingly confrontational discussions, and yet they are liberating.  They heal our relationships as they allow for shared understanding to take place.  They bring depth back to our often surface-level conversations, and make deeper connections with others possible.  They help us to be humble and aware, caring and concerned.

So go ahead, use my tool.  Ask the scary question, “What did you mean by that?”  And be ready to improve your relationships!

Facing the Truth

Facebook, as many of us know, is both a blessing and a curse.  It lets us keep up with friends and loved ones; reconnect with old friends, past flames, and contacts in distant locations; and practically relive our High School and College years.  However, there are large challenges built into that freedom to connect.

One of the most prominent challenges we face is connected with handling the information we can now retrieve.  We voyeuristically examine the actions and updates of those we care about – we see who they spend time with, and what they’ve been doing.  Those dating and in relationships may examine Facebook updates and posts to assess the honestly or loyalty of their companions.  Parents who enjoy this often permitted ability to check-in with their kids are now learning about their child’s friends, romances, and activities online.  In both situations information is achieved through a level of spying not through honest sharing.  And as a result, we’re lost in knowing what to do with, or how to handle the information we receive.

A second, but equally important challenge is connected with determining who you “friend” on these social sites.  Do you want business/professional associates as Facebook friends?  Have you over-connected to those from your past and now you’d like to scale-back those relations?  Do you want to limit the access of your companions or relatives because of the issues noted in the previous paragraph? 

 

And a third, common and unfortunate challenge is that many use this site for a type of escapism.  Some of us find ourselves spending hours posting and perusing updates, playing games, and wasting time that might better be spent enhancing relationships with friends and loved ones who are physically available and in need of our attention.

Fundamental to all of these issues is the need to set boundaries. 

Know what you want – and why you want it.  Do you need and enjoy a few minutes of escapism?  Recognize that for what it is.  You aren’t working, so this is “play” time or “me” time.  Much like watching TV, Facebook fills our desire to escape.  If you’re spending a lot of time in this arena, chances are you’re avoiding dealing with something, or someone.  Be aware of the choice you are making.  

It’s also important to know what you want when it comes to determining who can be your friend.  Perhaps your boundary is to only accept close friends and non-business associates on Facebook.  LinkedIn might be the site you use for business social-networking.  New platforms on Facebook, and sites like Google + that allow you to segregate contacts into “circles” might also be helpful in organizing your connections.   

Finally, the same holds true for those who are virtual spies.  Know what you want to do with that information.  Are you making sure your kids are safe?  Then that is what you can use Facebook for – ensuring their safety.  Not for determining who they choose as a friend unless there is a clear line connecting those two issues. 

Are you verifying your ex-boyfriend hasn’t jilted you for a past love?  Then verification is what you are allowed – not access to confronting him with what you know.  Either you learn that he was trustworthy – or that he wasn’t.  Either way your relationship didn’t work out and Facebook isn’t the way to change that.

Learn their boundaries – and respect them.  How does your family (or your boss!) feel about the time you spend on social networking sites?  

When it comes to who you connect with – keep in mind your children may have “friended” you because they felt pressured to do so, or were worried they’d hurt you by refusing.  Your new love may have wanted to demonstrate their growing interest in you, but may not be ready to announce you’re involvement with one another via a publicly pronounced change in “relationship status”.

Ask questions to determine what their boundaries are with letting you see deeper into their world.

Set your own boundaries ­­- and be clear about them.  That may mean limiting who you friend or on what site (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.)  you “friend” them.   It may mean sharing your comfort level with your social-networking friends regarding what sort of information or photos you’re comfortable with them posting about you.  It may also mean setting boundaries for yourself regarding how much “play” time you spend on social networking. 

All of these skills in setting boundaries require a degree of self-exploration along with the ability to have honest communication with those in your life.  For more suggestions and advice on that, please feel free to peruse our other articles on that subject.  To enhance your skills through communication training, please contact me at Candice@MediatingSolutions.com

Need a Conflict Resolution Quick Fix? Say Please.

In my work with organizations I frequently hear employees echo the same complaint about their co-workers, supervisors, and even underlings.  The complaint?  A lack of courtesy. 

“Please keep me up to date on that.”  “Thank you for completing that project on time.”  And, of course, “You’re welcome.”  Why are these basic courtesies missing?  Haven’t our parents/caregivers instilled these basic manners into us?  Have we really become demanding and rude while at work?  My thought is that we have not become thoughtless - but we are in a constant hurry.  We don’t mean to treat others in a manner that offends or upsets them; we just simply get caught up in getting the work done.  No, the added word or two doesn’t take up much time.  But, to demonstrate the genuine courtesy that goes with those words does requires us to slow down in a more complete way.  It means we need to look the other person in the eye and to connect with them on some level.

So while the complaint may be a lack of courtesy, the reality is that there is a lack of a connection between those who work together.  And as that connection erodes or fails to be established, problems arise.  Problems which can lead to misunderstandings and interpersonal conflict, and which likewise lead to lowered morale, diminished productivity and higher turnover.

On the flip side - imagine the impact of slowing down and connecting with your co-workers, subordinates or supervisor.  Such behavior is likely to build a lot of good will and positive vibes.  Why?  Connecting allows us to develop a better understanding of one another, which in turn yields better interpersonal relationships.  People who have a positive connection to their co-workers typically are happier, work harder and are more loyal and productive employees.   Why does this matter?  As multiple studies reflect, there is a strong correlation between employee happiness and productivity.  By changing the mood of your employees – you’re likely to change the company’s ability to succeed.

So if you’re looking for a quick conflict resolution fix, slow down, look your co-worker in the eye and say “please”.

Feeling Overstressed? Try a mini-vacation

Whether it’s the pressures of work, the demands of our personal lives, a sudden crisis, or the on-going and chronic problems we must work through, most of us feel stressed and tense on a regular basis.  What we need is a vacation; A break from it all.  Unfortunately a true vacation is often not practical or possible.  And, it often provides only a temporary fix before the stressors return.

My solution to this is the mini-vacation.  A special break that can be enjoyed in just a few minutes – often all that we can spare.  Better yet, the mini-vacation is easily cost-free.  The important part is that it is scheduled – like a vacation, and is undisturbed “you” time.
  

Following are some ideas for having a mini-vacation.  This list is far from exhaustive, so please be creative and think up your own!

1.       Stare out the window.  Maybe you have a nice view of the City, a Lake or Ocean.  Look at the grand scene, or take note of the trees blowing in the wind.  Enjoy the quiet of this moment.

2.       Give yourself a hand massage.  Get some lotion with a fragrance you enjoy, take off any jewelry that would interfere and give yourself a slow nourishing massage of the fingers, wrists, and thumbs.

3.       Listen to some music.  Ideally, be able to do this with your eyes closed.  Hear the music without distraction.  Enjoy the melody, lyrics, or beat of the music.

4.       Stretch.  Stand up and stretch your back, your shoulders and neck.  Do a few yoga poses.  If you like, incorporate music into this moment.

5.       Read a book or article.  This is pleasure relaxation reading – the kind you wish you had time to do.  Allow yourself to escape into the characters and to read without interruption.

6.       Take a walk.  Getting outside to feel the sun, the wind, even the rain, can be refreshing and invigorating.
 

7.       Call a friend – If you feel socially isolated, and this is your biggest desire, this may be your ideal mini-vacation.  Be sure to limit your calls to people who inspire you and make you feel good.

8.       Daydream – Imagine being someplace where you are relaxed and happy.  Visualize it.  Hear the sounds that would surround you.  Make the day-dream as real as possible by combining it with music or a photograph if that helps you to escape into the moment.

9.       Write a letter – Perhaps you wish you had more time to correspond with others.   Write a letter to an old friend or loved one.

10.   Look at old pictures – Do you have an online photo account through Shutterfly, Flickr or SmugMug?  Revisiting happy memories of other “real” vacations and seeing images of your friends, children, or pets can revitalize and bring a smile to your face.

By putting your mind and body in a happy zone, even if only for a few minutes, you are giving yourself a much needed vacation from the rest of the stress that surrounds you.  So go on, schedule your mini-vacations, you deserve it.