You’ve been there – going through your day, keeping to yourself, when suddenly someone begins to push your buttons, argue, accuse or blame. Perhaps it’s simply their tone or body language that gives rise to this tension. But the result is the same, you’re being baited to argue back or defend yourself.
What can you do?
First – Slow Down.
Most people are surprised to find themselves in an argument – and react
accordingly by sparring back. This
includes the instigator. S/he may be
irritable and behaving inappropriately and yet unaware of how others are
experiencing his/her behavior. Matching
that unpleasant demeanor will only escalate matters causing greater conflict
and tension.
Second – Gain Perspective.
Whether on the spot or over the course of a few hours, try to consider
where the other person is coming from.
What is impacting them? Are they
going through something (personally or otherwise) that’s causing inflated
stress? Be sure to explore your own
flaws, responsibilities, or role in the situation.
Third – Ask a Question.
Rather than engaging in the battle that you believe is being waged, try
to disarm the other person with an associated question. Keeping your own tone even, seek to find out
if they are under extreme stress, if you have caused them difficulty, or simply
if they want to talk about what is upsetting them. When your own tone is concerned and engaging,
rather than provocative, you help them to identify the problem or to recognize
their own behavior.
At this point, most would-be arguments have moved to a more
honest and productive place. Your next
step will depend on the content of the discussion that ensued. Perhaps you will offer to help, offer the
change, or simply to give the other person space, time, or a needed hug.
