Communication - Enough is Enough!

We talk about the importance of communication, yet are we getting any closer to solving our communication problems?  All too often, the answer is "No".  Well I'm here to say, "Enough is enough."  Are you with me?

Good. Because here is what I'm really saying - enough is enough. In other words, as a specialist in communication and conflict resolution, I can tell you that the biggest problems I find in business, among teams, and within families, occurs when one, both or all parties fail to pay attention to whether or not enough information has actually been exchanged. How could you know when this is happening? Read on:

1. You can tell the other person is "giving in" to you - or you are giving in to them.  Often done to avoid an argument or lengthy discussion, this situation occurs when we try to get things done without over-questioning or over-explaining. Things may seem fine as work is getting done and things are being handled. However, the long term result is that the party who "gives in" makes assumptions about the other person and the reason for their requests. They may see him or her as difficult, unreasonable, or even foolish. Over time respect is lost and the relationship is damaged.

2. You unexpectedly get resistance over something - Similar to the situation above, this time the other person isn't giving in, but is in some way pushing back. S/he may be quietly avoiding work that should be done, pushing your buttons by asking questions you see as unnecessary, or repeatedly doing something the "wrong" way. You may feel frustrated or angry with this person's attitude or behavior. Over time this resistance may reach to a level of insubordination and discipline.


3. You find yourself telling the other person to "Just do it" - Perhaps you've learned to expect resistance over a particular request or by a specific individual.  Rather than enter into a discussion you give a straight-forward order. You may see this as the fastest way to get from point A to point B, but at what cost? While intended to cut out some of the problems above, instead this type of communication complicates things further. A direct order demonstrates a lack of trust in the recipient's ability to make decisions or think things through. In business this causes employee dissatisfaction and in any situation erodes positive elements of the relationship.


4. You sense the other person's unspoken confusion, annoyance, or frustration - Perhaps you are savvy enough to recognize these signs of resistance, but are you addressing them? Have you truly unveiled the problems that lead to those feelings? Most of the time we take the shortest route for getting something done, and instead of entering into a discussion about the task, request, etc., we respond by allowing one of the three prior scenarios to take hold. Or, we do seek to address the issue, but allow it to be closed even when we aren't sure that the problem has been solved - only that the effort has been made.


In all of these situations, "enough" did not happen. The best of intentions did not lead to the best results. Instead, communication was stilted, incomplete, compromised, or completely ignored.  To improve communication, you must be sure that the information exchange also answered the question, "Why?"  In other words, why is this needed, why should it be done this way, and/or why are you resisting the request that was made?

Email Contributes To Conflict – What to Do?

1. Say it clearly – Just this week a colleague and I exchanged emails about an event that we were both to attend. After confirming my plan to attend she checked with me, “Do you have the address of where the meeting is tomorrow?” I replied “Yes”. Unfortunately I later learned that she did not have the address, and in fact missed the meeting. Saying it clearly, or in this case asking it clearly, would have easily resolved this issue.
2. Don’t make assumptions – It’s easy to jump to the wrong conclusions when you don’t have the benefit of visual or auditory information. While email is convenient, it limits our ability to “read” a situation. Keep in mind that writing in all caps doesn’t necessarily indicate yelling, and that a delayed reply might be caused by a technological issue, not rudeness.
3. Consider the situation – Was that curt reply you received sent via Blackberry? Was the sender of that muddled note out of town or responding at an odd hour? In our world of instant gratification we’ve become accustomed to giving and getting information almost immediately. The problem is that at times this leads to a hasty reply, an incomplete thought, or worse. Consider the situation before you react, and clarify any concerns or issues right away.
4. Tell them how you feel – Forwards, chain letters, and other email nuisances are often sent by those we love most. I’ve found that those who are new to email or who use it strictly for social purposes are the biggest offenders. Simply let these persons know that while you appreciate the sentiment, you don’t have the time (or inclination) to read such emails, and that you’d like them to limit their correspondence in kind.
5. Find another way – Email is quick, but it creates barriers to our communication. It removes information that we need (tone of voice, information on the other persons environment), and replaces it with flat dialogue that is both cryptic and permanent. It’s like taking a 3-dimensional object and changing it to a 2-dimensional one, and expecting the same product. Whenever possible, address issues, clarify misunderstandings, and handle pertinent or time-sensitive information by phone or in-person. While it may seem more time-consuming to exchange information in this manner, it saves time and energy by greatly reducing the likelihood of any issues or problems developing.

Why a blog?

All too often I hear the same story... It starts with the comment "I wish I knew you earlier". The story continues with an unfortunate tale of woe arising from an employment or business situation in which a dispute, conflict, or even simple misunderstanding escalated into a lost job, a dissolved partnership, and/or a costly legal battle. Inevitably their story is filled with regret or resentment that things were not handled differently. As a mediator specializing in employee relations, partnership issues, and business disputes, I can only agree... "I wish you knew me earlier too."

The truth of the matter is, sometimes timing isn't the problem....fear is. Mediation is something foreign to most people who wrongly confuse it with either litigation or arbitration. Some have even worked with a mediator who did not perform as a true neutral, or who pushed for an agreement when the parties weren't ready or in full agreement. Still others fear that they will be forced into a compromise they don't wish to make. So they sue, they quit, they suffer.

As a mediator this saddens and frustrates me. I know the value of helping people to hear each other, and to understand each other. I know that the fear they may be feeling will be quelled within minutes of the process beginning. And I know that the process makes it easier to communicate and resolve differences....making it possible to truly arrive at a win-win ending.

My hope is that this blog helps to chip away at the resistance, and that more people talk about mediation as an exceptional service and vehicle for conflict resolution.