My Sports Bet

I’m a baseball fan – a Dodger fan to be specific, and I typically don’t pay much attention to other sporting events or teams.   But, I’m betting on UCLA football this year.  Why?  Because I heard about Jim Mora’s efforts to build his team during pre-season camp.  Beyond the drills and the practice, coach Mora instilled another principal about building a team – getting to know each other off the field.  I respect this, because I also understand the importance of building relationships – it’s what I see as the change agent in a business’ success.  

 

Coach Mora did this by discouraging the use of cell phones during the two week training camp in San Bernadino.  Some assistant coaches took it a step further, actually confiscating the phones of some players.  The message was clear – if you want to work well as a team, you need to bond.  You need to be on the same page.  You need to get away from connecting with people via text and Facebook, and start building relations with those who are on your team- literally and figuratively.  Likewise, true in business.    

Spending time together, making eye contact, listening to each other's stories.  These are the things that will help a team learn about each other.  And as they do, players (just as co-workers) will begin to anticipate each other’s responses and reactions.  Their intuitions will develop, as will their capacity to understand each other.  I expect they will become more comfortable at being direct and honest, and likewise, more capable of showing compassion to their fellow teammates.  By developing their connections off the field, the Bruins are insuring their success on the field. 

The message is simple:  Teams need to work together, to support one another, and to be aligned in their goals and their methodologies.  A lesson that rings true both on the field, and in the office.

Honesty - Do You Have the Courage (to do it right)?

I have found that the biggest difference in a person's ability to manage conflicts in their own life stems from their courage to be honest. But, there is more than one way to be honest.   And most people do not choose the path that benefits both the person sharing their thoughts and the listener who has to take in the bit of honesty.

Honesty, used for the purpose of managing conflict, is thoughtful, careful, and complete.  It seeks to offer information with the presumption that this information will be enlightening and helpful to the other person. How is this different than what most people do?  Here are a few examples of the wrong kind of honesty and why it doesn't work: 
 

Being “brutally” honest – We’ve all experienced this one.  The words sting and we often don’t know what prompted them.  Brutal honesty suggests that one needs to injure the other person to bring about change.  While the receiver may get the correct message (they also may not), they also get with it a very negative association with the speaker and those who they believe may have influenced the speaker.  This impacts the likelihood and the type of change you will see.

Rambling or telling stories – Often in our desire to be gentle in our delivery, we muddle the information burying it with examples, stories, or our own insecurities.  Honesty takes courage.  Without it, the listener may fail to focus on exactly what you are sharing.  They are left to guess at the point of conversation.  Worst case scenario?  The person sharing may think his/her point is clear.  As a result, any lack of change may be seen as unwillingness by the recipient to make change, when in reality, s/he simply missed the point. 

Teasing the truth – Many people, out of their own discomfort with sharing difficult information will instead use teasing comments as “feedback” to the other person.  They may think their vocalized observations or sarcastic remarks are giving the other person a clear picture of what is wrong and what to change, but this rarely works.  Unfortunately, this option creates a combination of the problems noted in the two examples above; leaving both parties irritated and frustrated. 

A few pointers on how to do it better:

1. Be Kind – It’s hard to hear criticism.
2. Be Direct - Respect that the other person can handle the truth and give it to them.
3. Be Complete – Without story-telling, explain the problem and its impact.   

This is easier than you might think.  Most of the time, when a person is telling me what they wish they could tell the other person, they have in fact just done all those things.  So what makes it so hard to do with the real intended recipient?  I think it is our fear of having the conversation, coupled with our belief that the other person is knowingly or intentionally behaving in a way that upsets us.  In other words, we expect resistance or perhaps a fight.

So let me add a final pointer:

4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt – Believe that they don’t know, but do care about what you are about to tell them.

Honesty is such a beautiful tool in managing conflict and our relationships as a whole.  It’s something we all must learn to do well.

Now What? Responding to the Inappropriate Quesiton

Shock.  Horror.  Disbelief.  These are all reactions we might have when asked an inappropriate or uncomfortable question.  Questions like, “How much money did you spend on your last vacation?”, “What brought on that sudden weight change?” or “Is that your natural hair color?” In a workplace or interview setting the questions might instead be, “What was your severance package?” or “Describe your last boss’ biggest flaw.” 

Questions like these are not just inappropriate, they are intrusive.  They attempt a level of closeness or intimacy that is undesired and unwarranted.  They ask us to reveal things about ourselves or our life that we may not want to reveal.  And, they allude to a pending judgment based on our response. 

Very often, these inappropriate questions leave us speechless and unsure of how to respond.  Do we answer the question?  Reprimand the person asking?  Say nothing and let the question hang?  Most often our goal is simply to bring the conversation back onto neutral ground gracefully and tactfully.  Below are some guidelines and some suggestions of how to do just that.

1.      Take a deep breath.  This sounds simple, but it serves several purposes.  It helps keep you calm, it provides you with a few extra moments to decide how to respond, and finally, it gives the asker reason to reconsider what they’ve just asked – potentially leading to a retraction or apology for the question itself.

2.      Respond with grace and tact.  We’ve all heard the adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  The same is true here.  Shaming the person who’s asking, or otherwise putting them down will only serve to make the moment more uncomfortable.  Instead, let them save face by not drawing added attention to the question, but rather redirecting it to a more appropriate one.

3.      Use humor.  This may mean a light chuckle at the question, or a friendly but teasing reply of “You didn’t really just ask me that?”

4.      Be honest.  It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable answering that question.”

5.      Mirror it.  Ask the question back, changing the focus to how it relates to them.  For example, you can respond to a question about vacation spending with: “Are you looking for affordable vacation spots?”  - This response works regardless of how extravagant your vacation may have been, because it puts the focus on their budget. 

6.      Ask “Why..?”  As inappropriate as a question may seem to you, perhaps the person asking has a valid reason (or thinks they do) for asking it.  Rather than offering an answer, respond with, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you want to know?”  Be sure however, to keep your tone open and inquisitive not irritated or angry.

7.      Silence.  Sometimes, ignoring the question is the best response.  As you do so, try smiling politely, and acknowledging the other person with a moment of direct eye contact.  This has the impact of saying “I’m not comfortable” without actually stating it.

As you choose your best response, it’s wise to consider your relationship to the person.  Is this a friend, relative, acquaintance, or an interviewer for a job?  Has this person asked you inappropriate questions in the past?  Your relationship and experience with them should play an important guide in determining your response.  If it’s an interviewer for a job you may choose to ask why or to be honest about your discomfort.  If it’s an acquaintance you may choose humor or silence.  And if it’s a person who often pushes your boundaries, mirroring their question or asking why might be your best bet in correcting the behavior now – and in the future.

Managing these difficult or uncomfortable moments, as described, has the added benefit of demonstrating your respect for yourself, and for the other person.  It also creates the opportunity for better relationships and better communication.

Employer Lessons from the Donald Sterling Incident

Do you have a Donald Sterling at the helm of your agency?  Perhaps he or she is on the Board of Directors, in a position of leadership, or serving as a manager or supervisor.  Maybe he or she is even your newest hire.  The thing is, you usually don’t know until their hateful thoughts or behaviors are somehow exposed.  While it is easy to rally around a common enemy like Donald Sterling, what this story really brings to light is the fact that there are those with racially offensive and prejudicial views all around us.   It is how we handle them, and the situation that exposes their hateful thoughts or actions that makes the difference.

To begin with, don’t imagine that by ridding yourself of the “bad seed” that you no longer have a problem.  That may be the first step, but there is healing and an aftermath to contend with.  An incident, like that involving Sterling, may bond a team together, but it also leaves raw nerves and a level of distrust in its wake.  Who else has these views or opinions?  What is going to happen next?   

   

1. Get in front of the issue – Hold a meeting with staff.  Whether the full organization is aware or just a small group of staff, quick action is key to managing the issue and containing its damage.  Meet with those who are aware and affected immediately after the issue has been exposed and discipline or termination has been administered. 
2. Acknowledge and Inform – Staff already know about the problem, but they need to hear it from you, to know you understand it as well.  Do so, and tell them what has been done to rectify the situation.  If this behavior led to termination, say so.  Owning that decision is important.  If discipline or training were decided upon instead, inform your staff more generally that actions have been taken and that you are closely monitoring the situation.  Recognize that the more egregious or offensive the behavior, the less staff are going to tolerate complacency in managing it.
3. Discuss policy – Be specific and detailed as you describe company policy in managing the issue.  Keep your focus on what is expected - both with regard to staff behavior and with their responsibility for informing about the behavior of others.     
4. Call to Action – Healing.  What is most needed after a traumatic incident or other organizational shake-up is healing.  Identify it – and describe what is going to happen next.  Will the company provide training on issues such as sensitivity?  Is any corporate restructuring necessary?  How are staff expected to behave (i.e. is gossip about the issue forbidden)?
5. Build on the strengths of the team.  End the meeting by beginning the healing process.  Describe the positives that have come out of this difficult circumstance (i.e. staff are more bonded together; this brought a heightened awareness of issues we need to resolve).  List the good qualities that remain true of the team/group affected.  Have and share an optimistic outlook for what the future will hold.

Overcoming a crisis can be a defining moment for any team – NBA or not.  Define your company by building on the positives as you address the challenges.

Reclaiming Control of Your Temper

Have you ever thought about your anger?  About what pushes your buttons, sets you off, or really frustrates you?  I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  And I’m not talking about the people, and behaviors, that are likely triggers.  They will always

be there.   Instead, I’m thinking more broadly and introspectively.  I’m looking at the choices I make which set the wheels in motion for me to be more easily agitated.  Here’s what I’ve noticed:

For me, stress is a precursor to anger. 

I am calmer on days when I’m engaged in one or two long tasks rather than a dozen short ones.  I’m more easily frustrated when I’m concerned about time.  And, unfortunately, I am especially compromised when those two situations overlap, which they often do.  The more things I attempt to accomplish in a day, the more rushed and time conscious I have to be.  All of these situations cause me to feel stressed, and ultimately leave me less tolerant of the behaviors of others.

Knowing these internal triggers is helpful, but knowing what I can do about them is even better.  Here are a few things I’m trying to do to manage my stress and reclaim control of my temper – and therefore my life.

1.      Consciously plan my day and week.  I’ve realized that being booked end to end with meetings and engagements – enjoyable or not – takes a toll on me.  Especially with having two young children who require a well of my energy at the end of the day.  As a result, I’ve been pairing down my activities and commitments and am trying to be conscious of my energy levels.

2.      Limiting use of my smart phone.  Do I need to check email every 20 minutes?  No.  Especially since if it’s actually an important/business email I most likely don’t have the time or resources necessary to respond if I’m out of the office.  Using it during off hours also presents a challenge.  I need to allow myself DOWN time.

3.      Taking a walk.  Being outside, in the fresh air always rejuvenates me and builds me up.  My mood is better and of course it’s good for my body too.

4.      Saying “No”.  No to joining committees, volunteering, or participating in activities that are not deeply important to me.  As a people pleaser this is difficult – but I keep perspective by remembering that I must consciously plan my time, and that my goal of being calm and peaceful is vitally important.

While managing stress levels may not be your solution to managing your temper, I hope it encourages you to look inward and determine what situations are precursors for your own.  Learning these things about yourself is an important step to mitigating conflicts, managing mood, and maintaining healthy relationships.

You Never Listen to ME!

How do you get your point across when your spouse (or sibling, friend, parent) won’t listen? When it comes to having differences of opinion, it’s often difficult to get those closest to us to listen and really hear what we are trying to say.

When we know others well, we develop a short-hand with them. This feels great when our spouse (sibling, friend, etc.) seems to just “get” us, easily understanding our actions or decisions.  But it feels lousy when we are on opposite sides of an issue - especially if they are jumping to conclusions or won’t hear our perspective on a subject. What can be done?

It’s very important to have ground rules for discussing difficult issues. It provides both sides with a road map that promotes listening and understanding, and it creates opportunity for shared decision making and planning. Here are some basic ground rules to try:

1. Take Turns - One person gets the floor at a time. S/he explains his point of view, rationale, supporting details, etc.  The other person listens.
2. No interruptions – This means no dissenting comments, and whoever has the floor is the only one sharing information or opinions.
3. Clarify - After each person is done speaking, the listener must ask questions to clarify what s/he heard. The purpose here is to assure both sides that the listener understands the perspective of the speaker.  Achieving a full level of understanding is key - and does not require the listener to be in agreement.  Reaching a point of strong clarity may take some time and lead to added discussion.
4. Confirm – Once clarity is believed to have been achieved, the listener needs to sum up what s/he understood to be the point of view or rationale of the other side. If the listener doesn’t have it right, return to step 3 and continue the discussion.

These four ground rules are to be used for hearing each side to a story. While hearing only one side may seem sufficient as it changes the thoughts of the other person, take advantage of the momentum and find out what the other party was upset about or uncomfortable with in the first place. By determining where the initial misunderstanding or disagreement came from, you can prevent future disagreements from arising. You may even create a stronger short-hand with this person as a result.

Are Metrics Killing Morale?

Metrics.  They’re everywhere.  They’re ubiquitous and overused.  And they’re killing us in the workplace. 

Before entering into private practice, I worked for a non-profit organization that decided to begin a new reporting protocol to track the services used by our client population.  That might sound reasonable, except that a similar program was already in place, and the original reports were not being replaced by this new, more time-consuming one.   Further, there was no clear purpose or benefit for the added information.  Our already over-worked team was shaken at the idea of being asked to duplicate their time-consuming paperwork. 

My husband, an IT professional, has experienced different challenges with metrics.  He has been asked to track and report on the usage of each piece of equipment (information that he notes has never led to change) and each client interaction.  The latter with the unfortunate focus (and reward) being on the number of clients served.  This client-service tracking led some techs to reduce their customer service or take costly short-cuts.  In this case, the metrics incentivized poor service.   

And while working with clients, I have learned of similar challenges and frustrations that were tied to seemingly irrelevant record keeping and tracking.  Some of these situations were at the core of staff member conflicts, taking the form of insubordination, or inter-team conflicts.   

Looking at the above situations, the use of metrics brought about an increase in workplace tensions and conflict, a lowering of productivity and morale, and a reduction in customer service and satisfaction.   How did this happen?  Aren’t metrics supposed to help us improve processes, customer service, and profitability?   As I see it, yes and no.  

Yes, they can (potentially) help us improve these things, but no, they aren’t always the right answer for accomplishing the goal.   

Here’s the limitation - Metrics cannot take the place of good management, careful oversight, or involved, committed employees.  They cannot make necessary inferences and watch for confirmation of the results.  These qualities are why we prefer a person for customer service over an automated system.  And these human elements are at the core of eliminating theft, building productivity, and enhancing customer interaction.  Humans have the ability to ask a question, seek more information when needed, interpret, intuit, and comprehend.  Data limits this – and us.   

If we really want to bring about important change, or track concerns or issues in the workforce, we need to communicate this to our managers and employees.  We must enlist their intelligence, creativity and support in accomplishing the goals intended.  We need to engage them in planning, and conversely, we need to listen to their needs.  To accomplish our goals and build a strong team, we need to bring about change in a cohesive way; One that allows for unguarded information sharing, open communication and reciprocal trust.  Only then can we begin to work collectively to reaching our goals – and only then will the goals actually matter.