The other night I received a call from a research group asking me questions about the likelihood of my voting in the up-coming and future elections. As I answered the questions I eagerly awaited the opportunity to explain myself – but it never came. Doesn’t the DNC want to know “why” I won’t be voting in an election? What value does my answer have without the knowledge of what could change it?
As I thought about it, I realized that “Why?” is missing
from many of our conversations. “Why” is
an essential part of our knowledge base in learning how to get along with one another. It teaches us how to meet each other’s needs. It provides us with an explanation and a
deeper ability to understand each other.
Without it, we are guessing our way through our lives and our relationships.
Imagine you asked your boss for his opinion on your
work. If he says it’s unsatisfactory,
don’t you need to know “Why?” so that you can fix it? What if your spouse doesn’t want to talk
about her day. Do you ask her “Why
not?” If not how do you know if she’s
upset with you or something else that occurred in her day? Some people view these basic questions as
intrusive or even inappropriate. But Asking
“why” is essential to our development.
In asking people about their reluctance to ask “Why?” I get
a handful of similar responses:
“I don’t want to offend them.”
“If they wanted me to know, they would have told me.”
“I don’t really want to know why. (The answer may hurt me)”
“I don’t want an argument.”
The problem for many, may be in the delivery.
“Why?” – Can be asked in more than one way. It can be asked as a challenge to the other
person or it can be asked with genuine curiosity. Those reluctant to ask the question tend to
think of it as the former – as taking a position of debate or demonstrating
discord. For them, avoiding the question
seems to be the most appropriate response.
It avoids an argument or conflict.
However, when “Why?” is asked with curiosity, it invites a discussion in
a positive way. It shows your respect
for the answer you were given and your
interest to understand the reasons behind it.
This basic question allows you to learn the other person’s needs,
thereby making it possible for you to meet them.
Consider asking “Why?” in this thoughtful and curious
way. See what you learn, and see how
your relationships develop.
A rabbi once told me when dealing with children, when you ask "why" they do something they shouldn't have done sometimes their answer is "I don't know". He said that it is okay to accept that answer because that is why, they just don't know. That their decision process is molding and growing and sometimes consequence of a situation resulting in "I don't know" should be acceptable with the caveat of accepting that "I don't know" and explaining why they shouldn't have done what they did. Just my $.02.
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