A Resolution – WHY?

I recently wrote an article about the importance of asking“Why?”  It put focus on the importance of developing our knowledge, communication and our relationships by asking for more information than might initially be offered to us.   However, asking “Why?” is at best only half the battle.  The other, and perhaps more important half comes from the value of offering “Why”.  Telling someone “Why” is equally if not more important as it offers clarity and understanding, rather than putting it upon the other person to be bold, or sophisticated, enough to ask for it.

In our day to day communications we have found more and more ways to abbreviate ourselves.  Brevity however, has at times trumped clarity.  Offering “Why” gives the other person the information to do differently, or better.  It provides information and opens up communication and understanding.  Say for example you need to have a direct report re-do part of a project.  Offering “Why” eliminates the possibility that s/he will guess as to what is wrong, and possibly make the same or other problematic errors.  Telling a friend or loved one “Why” you don’t want to go to a

particular restaurant for example will allow him/her to better understand you and your preferences, know more about
you, and perhaps enable him or her to make choices that are more to your liking in the future.

Some people fear it is presumptuous to offer the “Why”.  They believe that it assumes the other person cares or should care about our reasons.  They are right.  It does have that presumption, and it should.  We should all surround ourselves by those who care about us, want us to succeed, and want to know us better.  Just as we should distance ourselves from those who do not.  Likewise, we should demonstrate our caring of others by asking for "Why" when it is not offered so that we can learn about and understand them. 

In this New Year, perhaps this is a resolution you can embrace.  To ask why, to offer why, and to only surround yourself with people who care about you. 

Are You Asking the Right Question?

The other night I received a call from a research group asking me questions about the likelihood of my voting in the up-coming and future elections.   As I answered the questions I eagerly awaited the opportunity to explain myself – but it never came.  Doesn’t the DNC want to know “why” I won’t be voting in an election?  What value does my answer have without the knowledge of what could change it?

As I thought about it, I realized that “Why?” is missing from many of our conversations.  “Why” is an essential part of our knowledge base in learning how to get along with one another.  It teaches us how to meet each other’s needs.  It provides us with an explanation and a deeper ability to understand each other.  Without it, we are guessing our way through our lives and our relationships. 

Imagine you asked your boss for his opinion on your work.  If he says it’s unsatisfactory, don’t you need to know “Why?” so that you can fix it?  What if your spouse doesn’t want to talk about her day.  Do you ask her “Why not?”  If not how do you know if she’s upset with you or something else that occurred in her day?  Some people view these basic questions as intrusive or even inappropriate.  But Asking “why” is essential to our development. 

In asking people about their reluctance to ask “Why?” I get a handful of similar responses:

“I don’t want to offend them.”

“If they wanted me to know, they would have told me.”

“I don’t really want to know why.  (The answer may hurt me)”

“I don’t want an argument.”

The problem for many, may be in the delivery.

“Why?” – Can be asked in more than one way.  It can be asked as a challenge to the other person or it can be asked with genuine curiosity.  Those reluctant to ask the question tend to think of it as the former – as taking a position of debate or demonstrating discord.  For them, avoiding the question seems to be the most appropriate response.  It avoids an argument or conflict.  However, when “Why?” is asked with curiosity, it invites a discussion in a positive way.  It shows your respect for the answer you were given and your interest to understand the reasons behind it.  This basic question allows you to learn the other person’s needs, thereby making it possible for you to meet them.

Consider asking “Why?” in this thoughtful and curious way.  See what you learn, and see how your relationships develop.