We Must Connect – (Let’s make it our New Year’s Resolution)

I am frustrated.  We’re all frustrated.  And sad.  And angry.  And feeling so painfully helpless.  We point our angry, helpless finger at seemingly responsible aspects of our society:  Gun legislation, mental health issues, and violence in the media.  We point a finger and place blame, all the while neglecting to notice the bigger issue, the one in which we are all responsible and can all make an impact – the need to foster and heal our own relationships.

We are losing our ability to make profound and important connections, even with those we love most.   Most concerningly, with the youngest members of our society - children.  Where does this void lead them?  Isolation, depression, acting out?   And in some sad situations, it has the ability to lead to extreme behaviors as well.  This may not mean picking up a gun…but it might mean finding ways to “connect” that involve illicit drugs, or joining fringe groups that fill a missing sense of belonging.  It may mean suicidal behaviors.

We see children of all ages detached from their families – playing on handheld devices of various forms.  Parents, grandparents, and other caregivers do the same as they text and connect with others while their children shout, “Watch me! Watch me!”  And these children get older, having never fully adopted healthy skills of social interaction.  Their fractured ability to connect is evident as they fail to interact with their peers – often texting in lieu of face to face interactions.  I fail to see any upside to this.

Are we – collectively - raising a generation of detached children?  A generation who are profoundly more detached that any previous one due to our behaviors and choices.  “I don’t have kids” you say.  But no doubt you grew up making eye contact with people other than your parents.  You still do this today, though probably not as routinely, because you learned how.  We all need to get back to this.  We all have a stake in the game when we too are at risk of experiencing violent or deadly behaviors.

An FBI study of shooter incidents in the United States from 2000 – 2013 shows an alarming trend of an increased frequency of such incidents.  What else has changed drastically in that time period?  Not gun ownership, not mental health issues.  What has changed is our use of and reliance on social media.  In fact it has grown with exponential force. 

As a society we need to bring change.  None of us can excuse our own behavior when it involves using our smart phone while in the company of others.  Whether we know the people we are with or not.  We must realize that we are a part of the problem and a part of the solution.  Failing to do so is damaging the fabric of our society, and with each new act of violence, we feel our safety compromised, and the rug being ripped out from underneath us a bit more.  We must connect.

What if?

Today, in our latest experience of terrorist threats, I am compelled to ask….

What if the threat is real?

What if we are in danger?

What if we can’t do anything about it?

What if we had a choice?

What if we looked at our options?

What if we looked at each other?

What if we looked to each other?

What if we looked each other in the eyes?

What if we did that for a moment longer?

What if we joined hands?

What if we held hands?

What if we banded together?

What if we could bond together?

What if what’s missing, is connecting? 

What if you could take steps to change that?

What if we could feel safe?

What if it only took making an effort?
What if you did make that effort?
What if we all did?

We feel safe when we are with others.  Even, especially, when we are in danger.  We need to stop isolating.  We need to stop connecting in a superficial way and begin doing it in a meaningful way.  With our children, our parents, our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers, the waitress, the store clerk, the stranger we pass in the hall, or on the street.  We need to start.  We need to take control of the life we want to lead.

A Resolution – WHY?

I recently wrote an article about the importance of asking“Why?”  It put focus on the importance of developing our knowledge, communication and our relationships by asking for more information than might initially be offered to us.   However, asking “Why?” is at best only half the battle.  The other, and perhaps more important half comes from the value of offering “Why”.  Telling someone “Why” is equally if not more important as it offers clarity and understanding, rather than putting it upon the other person to be bold, or sophisticated, enough to ask for it.

In our day to day communications we have found more and more ways to abbreviate ourselves.  Brevity however, has at times trumped clarity.  Offering “Why” gives the other person the information to do differently, or better.  It provides information and opens up communication and understanding.  Say for example you need to have a direct report re-do part of a project.  Offering “Why” eliminates the possibility that s/he will guess as to what is wrong, and possibly make the same or other problematic errors.  Telling a friend or loved one “Why” you don’t want to go to a

particular restaurant for example will allow him/her to better understand you and your preferences, know more about
you, and perhaps enable him or her to make choices that are more to your liking in the future.

Some people fear it is presumptuous to offer the “Why”.  They believe that it assumes the other person cares or should care about our reasons.  They are right.  It does have that presumption, and it should.  We should all surround ourselves by those who care about us, want us to succeed, and want to know us better.  Just as we should distance ourselves from those who do not.  Likewise, we should demonstrate our caring of others by asking for "Why" when it is not offered so that we can learn about and understand them. 

In this New Year, perhaps this is a resolution you can embrace.  To ask why, to offer why, and to only surround yourself with people who care about you.