Communication - Enough is Enough!

We talk about the importance of communication, yet are we getting any closer to solving our communication problems?  All too often, the answer is "No".  Well I'm here to say, "Enough is enough."  Are you with me?

Good. Because here is what I'm really saying - enough is enough. In other words, as a specialist in communication and conflict resolution, I can tell you that the biggest problems I find in business, among teams, and within families, occurs when one, both or all parties fail to pay attention to whether or not enough information has actually been exchanged. How could you know when this is happening? Read on:

1. You can tell the other person is "giving in" to you - or you are giving in to them.  Often done to avoid an argument or lengthy discussion, this situation occurs when we try to get things done without over-questioning or over-explaining. Things may seem fine as work is getting done and things are being handled. However, the long term result is that the party who "gives in" makes assumptions about the other person and the reason for their requests. They may see him or her as difficult, unreasonable, or even foolish. Over time respect is lost and the relationship is damaged.

2. You unexpectedly get resistance over something - Similar to the situation above, this time the other person isn't giving in, but is in some way pushing back. S/he may be quietly avoiding work that should be done, pushing your buttons by asking questions you see as unnecessary, or repeatedly doing something the "wrong" way. You may feel frustrated or angry with this person's attitude or behavior. Over time this resistance may reach to a level of insubordination and discipline.


3. You find yourself telling the other person to "Just do it" - Perhaps you've learned to expect resistance over a particular request or by a specific individual.  Rather than enter into a discussion you give a straight-forward order. You may see this as the fastest way to get from point A to point B, but at what cost? While intended to cut out some of the problems above, instead this type of communication complicates things further. A direct order demonstrates a lack of trust in the recipient's ability to make decisions or think things through. In business this causes employee dissatisfaction and in any situation erodes positive elements of the relationship.


4. You sense the other person's unspoken confusion, annoyance, or frustration - Perhaps you are savvy enough to recognize these signs of resistance, but are you addressing them? Have you truly unveiled the problems that lead to those feelings? Most of the time we take the shortest route for getting something done, and instead of entering into a discussion about the task, request, etc., we respond by allowing one of the three prior scenarios to take hold. Or, we do seek to address the issue, but allow it to be closed even when we aren't sure that the problem has been solved - only that the effort has been made.


In all of these situations, "enough" did not happen. The best of intentions did not lead to the best results. Instead, communication was stilted, incomplete, compromised, or completely ignored.  To improve communication, you must be sure that the information exchange also answered the question, "Why?"  In other words, why is this needed, why should it be done this way, and/or why are you resisting the request that was made?

Top 5 Situations where Intervention is Necessary

As a business owner or Human Resources professional, you're aware of employee tensions and occasional outbursts of anger or frustration. They're common to the workplace. And things usually settle down in a day or two. But sometimes they don't. Sometimes things get worse, or even spiral unexpectedly out of control. How can you know which conflicts need your involvement and which can be allowed to resolve themselves?

As a Conflict Resolution professional, I hear these questions often. Here are the Top 5 Situations where Intervention is Necessary, along with my rationale for why it is time to step in.

1. Repeat Complaints
As the most common problem requiring intervention, repeat complaints are also the one most likely to be ignored or given a low level of attention. Why? Complaints between employees are often chalked up to personality differences or viewed as minor or commonplace. Repeat complainers may even become branded as being the problem itself.
The reality: Repeat complaints signal a level of urgency. When a number of people share the complaint, the problem is widespread. If one person is complaining, and running the risk of being labeled as a result, the problem is most likely unbearable for them. In either event, keep in mind that when you hear a complaint, you're only hearing about the tip of the iceberg. There is always more that lies beneath the surface - and you need to find out more.

2. Frequent or Unexpected Turnover or Transfer Requests
While turnover issues get noticed, it's typically because the focus shifts to replacing the lost or transferred individuals. HR or Management may rationalize the reasons for such departures, or (if the employees are not of particular value to the company) they may be unconcerned about the staffing changes. But the key words here are "frequent or unexpected". Turnover and transfer requests are usually precipitated by problems or dysfunction within the department or team from which they are occurring.
Waiting to step in and address such issues sends an unfortunate message that either HR/Management doesn't recognize the problem, doesn't know what to do about the problem, or simply doesn't care that the problem exists. In any event, the problem will snowball and more staff will leave, including those you can't afford to lose.

3. Legal Concerns
Let's say you learn through the grapevine that an employee is making general threats of legal action. Or, you hear words like "hostile work environment" or "harassment" floating among certain groups. Unfortunately, HR or Management frequently start their efforts to address this issue by getting in touch with their legal adviser, focusing on their departments' record-keeping, and ensuring that all requisite training programs, like sexual harassment training, are up to date and documented.
Reasons for this point of focus range from disbelief that the problem or threat is significant, concern that addressing the issue will make things worse, or wanting to wait until the affected person approaches or informs them directly. Unfortunately, I see these asr duck and cover efforts.  They are not focused on resolving the problem, but on insulating the company from further damage.
The problem is that time is being wasted. If the issue is minor, there is no need to perform an audit of all record-keeping; if instead the issue is serious - any delay means you are losing the opportunity to minimize damages or nip the potential problem in the bud.

4. Arguments or Tensions are Intensifying or Never-Ending
Sometimes HR or Management is aware of a problem, but no one has asked for help and there are no concerns about bullying, harassment, or other workplace violations. The problem is simply chalked up to a "personality difference" between employees. Due to limited time and resources, such problems are often given little, if any, attention. However, when these conflicts intensify or are long-lasting it is no longer appropriate for helpers to remain on the sidelines. Whether there are complaints or not, such tensions will lead to problems with morale, increases in turnover and absenteeism, and possibly even lead to workplace violence. Further, the longer these problems fester, the worse it will get. While there is no line in the sand to say when it is time to step in based on time or intensity of the problem, it is imperative that you keep such issues on your radar, and have a plan for addressing them.

5. Tensions among Top-level Staff
Human Resource professionals and mid-level management often hit a brick wall when there are tensions or problems among top-level staff. They often see the issue or feel the impact, but are unable to create change or resolve the issue. Why? Trying to help those in a position of power above you creates its own strife. Add to that the limited authority HR often holds, and the confined level of trust or respect they typically enjoy when it comes to working with the C-suite executives and owners. It's a near impossible situation to contend with. HR may want to help, but are limited and/or fearful of doing so. Regardless of these limitations, it's not OK to wait. Expecting things to blow-over is a fallacy. Chances are that by the time HR has becomes aware of problems at the top, things have already deteriorated. And while things may go into temporary remission, most likely because of the recent exposure to HR or other staff members, anger and grudges do not go away because we ignore them. They fester, grow, and become more explosive and damaging over time. Problems at the top are like an avalanche, and can easily destroy all that lies beneath them.

If you recognize that intervention is needed for these or other reasons, please contact us to discuss how we might help you address these challenging situations.

Changing The Phantom Culture

Google the words “company culture” and you’ll find nearly ¾ billion results.  Yet ask business leaders to define their company’s culture or to discuss ways their culture was created or changed, and the results are minimal.  Company culture it seems, is a bit of an enigma. 

On the surface, it’s often characterized as a product of the company’s values, beliefs, and behaviors.  But when the stated values, beliefs, and behaviors take a detour from the reality of daily business activities, the culture isn’t living up to the mission of the organization.  And most certainly the employees know it, further destabilizing the potential of that purported culture to ever take hold.  As an added concern, the opportunity for the company culture to positively impact clients, customers, and consumers is lost as well.

So where does the declared culture separate from reality?  The divide occurs through daily interactions, and decisions, through policies and practices.  Look to the following to determine where your culture is truly defined:

1.      Rewards.  Who and what is promoted in your company?  Are the hardest and most competent workers rewarded in kind?  Do employee attitude or workplace relations factor into opportunities and pay raises?  How are requests for paid time off granted?  Also looks at areas of nepotism, loyalty (regardless of competency), and highest sales performance (regardless of attitude).  How each of these is rewarded will also impact your company culture.

2.      Punishment.  Who is terminated and why?  Does poor behavior, insubordination, dishonesty, or other problem behavior get addressed – and punished – in a swift and decisive manner?  Are problem people allowed to move about seemingly untouched?  How many opportunities is staff given to change/improve before consequences set in? 

3.      Communication.  How open are the channels of communication?  Do staff have a voice in discussing things that impact them – like a new computer program or a recent update to how work-load is to be calculated?  Or are they blind-sided or surprised by things that are occurring or changes that are implemented?  Can staff adequately rely on the chain of command for getting information to or from where it needs to be?  Is communication one-way (ie: top-down) or reciprocal? 

4.      Teamwork.  How do people work together?  Are teams thoughtfully created with competent leaders put in charge?  Is blame or finger-pointing a problem?  Are accountability and personal responsibility being reinforced?  Are collaboration and operational reciprocity a reality or are people or divisions siloed and disconnected? 

5.      Conflict Management.  How are tensions or conflicts managed?  Are people encouraged to seek help or left to deal with issues themselves?  Are people in leadership roles trained in basic conflict management?  When help is offered, is it legitimate and multi-tiered or superficial and temporary?  Do managers and leaders receive training in employee relations or conflict management?    

The above questions offer just the start for examining the factors which determine your company's true culture.  We hope they pose a healthy challenge to all companies looking to create or improve their own company culture.

Deciding Who's First

Whether you are married, have children, or single and on your own, when it comes to personal matters, it’s often hard to find the right balance of taking care of your family, yourself, and ‘being there’ for other friends and loved ones. 

Your mental debate may even lead to conflict if others who learn of your choices, don’t approve.  Below are some thoughts/guidelines for managing these issues while improving your relationships with others.

1.      Be True to Yourself – Prior to making a decision, and certainly before communicating that decision to others (who may not approve), think about why that decision makes sense for you.  For example, say you are choosing to get a massage instead of helping your cousin.  What are the reasons for that decision?  Is it because you two have a difficult relationship?  Because he’s never helped you when you needed it?  Because your back is injured and the masseuse can only fit you in when your cousin needs you?  Think about the reasons for making what could be termed a “selfish” choice.  Often times “selfish” choices occur as a result of a damaged relationship, and the desire to avoid or punish the other person.

2.      Be Honest – Keeping your rationale to yourself isn’t helping.  And, it will likely build added resentment from others if it is misunderstood.  In making a choice that others can’t readily appreciate, be prepared to communicate your reasoning with those impacted by it.  (For guidelines on having those conversations see my earlier article).

3.      Know Your Priorities – Sometimes, it isn’t a selfish choice that becomes a challenge.  It’s the reverse.  Perhaps a friend wants to see you (and you them) but it means your child will have to endure a play-date with a child she doesn’t like, or be left with a babysitter you don’t feel great about.  Here your concerns are letting someone down one way or the other.  While your child may forgive you more easily, or be simpler to bribe with a toy or dessert, think about which choice makes you feel better as a person.  Worry less about how your rationale sounds to others, and more about your own conscience and what helps you to sleep well at night.  Let that feeling guide you. 

4.      Don’t Make Excuses – When communicating your choices, don’t turn them into excuses.  Explain yourself directly and with factual points, including any notes about how you might be able to compromise, or make it up to the other person, if that is what you want to do. 

5.      Hold Your Head High – This is just a reminder that if you are true to yourself, honest with others, communicate clearly, and make added efforts when reasonable, you should be able to feel good about yourself, your decisions, and your relationships with others.

State of the...Company

Every January our Commander in Chief presents a State of the Union or Inaugural Address.  Setting your own political ideologies aside, business leaders should take note of the address and the purpose behind it.  This address is a leadership strategy – one that can be implemented within any company, team, or organization.   The Inaugural Address or State of the Union inspires, explains, motivates, and builds enthusiasm for what is both desired and possible. 

Translate that to a business model, and you are offering your staff a glimpse into your views on the recent past and your goals for the coming year.  You are building a sense of unity, a feeling of pride, and a desire to give the best of oneself in those who hear your own address.  Do you acknowledge the hard times?  Yes.  Will you sometimes have to acknowledge that there may be more hard times to come?  Yes.  But you also have this forum to explain what you can/will do to lessen the impact of these hard times and to plant seeds of hope for the positive changes that are on the way.

The “State of the Company” address may be the one time each year you address your staff or team in this manner, so make it count.  Be sure to include:

1.     Gratitude for their commitment to your company, team, or organization.
2.     Recognition for their hard work and effort to reach goals.
3.     Awareness of any difficulties of the past year (or more if this is your first such address).
4.     Appreciation for the success and accomplishments of the past year (or longer).
5.     Goals and/or changes to come in the year ahead.
6.     An acknowledgement of what it will take to reach those goals (of them and you).
7.     A request for their commitment to making those goals or changes happen.
8.     Repeat of Gratitude – this time with a focus on moving forward.

Strong leadership requires communication, inspiration, a vision for the future, and a building of trust – both up the corporate ladder and down.  As you craft and deliver your “State of the Company” keep these ideals in mind.

If we can be of help in addressing these and other leadership challenges, through executive coaching, training, or other services, please contact us.

The Power of Positive Perspective

How do you stay so positive?  Especially when life presents inevitable challenges and “bad” things happen?  Be it workplace issues or personal struggles, we all have the power to choose how we view each situation we encounter.  The problem?  Most of us don’t realize we have that power.  

This is not to say that some of life’s experiences are not more pleasant or more dreadful than others.  Instead, it is to say that the same situation can be viewed in many different ways; and how we choose to view it has a profound and compelling impact on how we feel about that situation and how it affects us.   Some examples:

Say you find yourself stuck in traffic after a meeting runs long.  Instead of bemoaning that you’re now even further off schedule, be thankful that the delay put you 20 minutes behind that potential car wreck, instead of in it.  Perhaps that meeting saved your life.  Instead of frustration, this change in perspective can leave you feeling relieved, grateful or simply at peace with your circumstances.

Or ask yourself how you might feel about having your flight to work with a new client cancelled.  Are you worrying your client may choose to find a local resource?  Or choosing to see this situation as an opportunity to encourage the client to Skype with you?  The latter could make scheduling future work together easier and would be cost-effective for the client – possibly enhancing the opportunity for a longer and deeper collaboration.   

These two examples shed light on two specific ways to manage perspective, by making a shift in thinking.

Focus on the positive aspects/alternatives as in the situation with the cancelled flight, and choosing to see new options and the long-term benefits they present.

Consider the avoidance of a negative incident or experience (as with the traffic).

This adjustment in perspective is a choice you make.  It means stopping your knee-jerk reaction and processing alternative ideas.  And, you’ll find, the more often you make this shift, the easier and more natural it becomes.  

How to Choose Happiness for the Holidays

Around the holidays we are often confronted with the same difficulties we have experienced year after year.  Family pressures, repeat arguments, logistical challenges, etc.  While we can’t always change the cyclical pattern, we do have control over the choices we make within those situations, and therefore have the ability to control our experience of those otherwise complicated and uncomfortable moments.

The holidays are meant to be joyous - for everyone.  If you aren’t finding the holidays bring you that experience, look more closely at the choices you are making that allow them to be less than pleasant.  

1.     Examine Your Situation – Be aware of what creates an unpleasant holiday season for you.  What happens in connection with the holidays that you don’t like?  What situations, conversations, etc. do you expect to encounter that are distressing? 

2.      Make Decisions – With a clear head, and before any plans are firm, decide what you want.  If your spouse and parents don’t get along, consider staying in a hotel to minimize tensions. If splitting time between several relatives is exhausting, decide if they can come to you, join together, or take turns (every other year), to keep things simpler.  If you hate being around family arguments, decide what steps you want to take if an argument erupts.  This step is about making decisions for YOU.  Since doing what you’ve always done, will lead you where you’ve already been, make decisions on how you will make this year different for yourself. 

3.     Take Responsibility – Once you’ve looked at your options and made decisions, take responsibility for those choices, informing others as necessary.  Simply state the facts of your decision without inviting other’s opinions or feeling compelled to explain your own rationale.  If you opted not to make changes, find peace with that decision as well by acknowledging your good reasons for leaving things as they are, and focusing on the positive things you do get out of your situation.   

4.      Focus on the Positive – You could choose to focus on the negative, and leave yourself feeling unenthusiastic or depressed.  Or you could bring your optimistic self and make your experience a pleasant one.  Notice the smiles of a child opening a present, feel the joy of your parent’s delight at being surrounded by the whole family, savor the familiar foods or sights you get to enjoy just at this time of year.  By making a choice to find the positive and the enjoyment, you will reap what you sow.

      Wishing you a very happy holiday season!