Are You Asking the Right Question?

The other night I received a call from a research group asking me questions about the likelihood of my voting in the up-coming and future elections.   As I answered the questions I eagerly awaited the opportunity to explain myself – but it never came.  Doesn’t the DNC want to know “why” I won’t be voting in an election?  What value does my answer have without the knowledge of what could change it?

As I thought about it, I realized that “Why?” is missing from many of our conversations.  “Why” is an essential part of our knowledge base in learning how to get along with one another.  It teaches us how to meet each other’s needs.  It provides us with an explanation and a deeper ability to understand each other.  Without it, we are guessing our way through our lives and our relationships. 

Imagine you asked your boss for his opinion on your work.  If he says it’s unsatisfactory, don’t you need to know “Why?” so that you can fix it?  What if your spouse doesn’t want to talk about her day.  Do you ask her “Why not?”  If not how do you know if she’s upset with you or something else that occurred in her day?  Some people view these basic questions as intrusive or even inappropriate.  But Asking “why” is essential to our development. 

In asking people about their reluctance to ask “Why?” I get a handful of similar responses:

“I don’t want to offend them.”

“If they wanted me to know, they would have told me.”

“I don’t really want to know why.  (The answer may hurt me)”

“I don’t want an argument.”

The problem for many, may be in the delivery.

“Why?” – Can be asked in more than one way.  It can be asked as a challenge to the other person or it can be asked with genuine curiosity.  Those reluctant to ask the question tend to think of it as the former – as taking a position of debate or demonstrating discord.  For them, avoiding the question seems to be the most appropriate response.  It avoids an argument or conflict.  However, when “Why?” is asked with curiosity, it invites a discussion in a positive way.  It shows your respect for the answer you were given and your interest to understand the reasons behind it.  This basic question allows you to learn the other person’s needs, thereby making it possible for you to meet them.

Consider asking “Why?” in this thoughtful and curious way.  See what you learn, and see how your relationships develop.

Giving Great (and REAL) Feedback

Wouldn’t it be great if giving feedback could promote better workplace relations, improve rapport, and also garner desired change?  It’s possible – and not all that hard.

Delivering feedback is a challenge not only facing managers and supervisors, but facing anyone who wants to tell another person that s/he needs to change.  The challenge for most people is that they don’t want to hurt, disappoint, shock, or anger the person they are informing.  Out of their own fear, most people tend 

to stumble through such an effort.  They are unclear, rambling, incomplete or even abrupt in their delivery.  The result being that both parties find the interaction painful or unsettling.  No wonder it’s something so many of us avoid.

I have found the following to be a truly functional way of delivering feedback:

BEFORE Giving the Feedback

1.    Do your homework – Giving useful feedback requires an understanding of the big picture.  So before giving criticism on someone’s time management for example, find out what is on their plate and from whom.  Find out what they believe to be the priorities and why. 

2.    Find the Good (for them) – You may be about to deliver them a blow, but what could be (or is) the upside for them?  For example, a manager is seen by peers as under-performing.  The upside is that others believe in his/her potential. 

3.    Set up a meeting – Sharing feedback is a conversation, not a quick or one-sided announcement.  Schedule time for you and the other person to speak.  Tell them (generally) what the conversation will be about.  For example, “…To discuss your work with our team.”  Make sure to schedule the meeting to last at least 30 minutes.  This signifies the importance of the meeting, and promotes the conversational element of it.

DURING – Make it a Conversation

4.    Begin with the Facts and Big Picture – When the meeting begins, don’t delay.  Explain why you are meeting with them, what the concerns/problems are, and give them the positive (“up-side”) to the feedback.  Describe it as such.  Keep this succinct.

5.    Allow Them to Respond – It’s natural for them to be defensive - let them speak their peace.  Then remind them of the initial statements of fact and the “up-side” to it. 

6.    Work Toward Solutions – After the concerns are clear, ask them for their ideas/thoughts on improving the situation.  Be encouraging!  If they are stuck, or (once they have finished) if you have ideas that you’d like to share, ask permission to share your own thoughts/ideas for improving the situation.  When possible, weave these ideas with the “up-side” you’ve uncovered.

 

     CLOSING - Wrapping Things Up

7.    Demonstrate Your Support – Once a plan for (their) change has been decided, demonstrate your support by describing what you will be doing to help. 

8.    Show Gratitude - Thank them for meeting with you and working on this together.

Remember, change is hard.  The feedback meeting is only the first step in promoting and fostering change.  Be sure to check in on the situation regularly.  Follow-up both with the recipient of the feedback, and with those who may be more aware of any changes that are occurring. 

My Sports Bet

I’m a baseball fan – a Dodger fan to be specific, and I typically don’t pay much attention to other sporting events or teams.   But, I’m betting on UCLA football this year.  Why?  Because I heard about Jim Mora’s efforts to build his team during pre-season camp.  Beyond the drills and the practice, coach Mora instilled another principal about building a team – getting to know each other off the field.  I respect this, because I also understand the importance of building relationships – it’s what I see as the change agent in a business’ success.  

 

Coach Mora did this by discouraging the use of cell phones during the two week training camp in San Bernadino.  Some assistant coaches took it a step further, actually confiscating the phones of some players.  The message was clear – if you want to work well as a team, you need to bond.  You need to be on the same page.  You need to get away from connecting with people via text and Facebook, and start building relations with those who are on your team- literally and figuratively.  Likewise, true in business.    

Spending time together, making eye contact, listening to each other's stories.  These are the things that will help a team learn about each other.  And as they do, players (just as co-workers) will begin to anticipate each other’s responses and reactions.  Their intuitions will develop, as will their capacity to understand each other.  I expect they will become more comfortable at being direct and honest, and likewise, more capable of showing compassion to their fellow teammates.  By developing their connections off the field, the Bruins are insuring their success on the field. 

The message is simple:  Teams need to work together, to support one another, and to be aligned in their goals and their methodologies.  A lesson that rings true both on the field, and in the office.

Honesty - Do You Have the Courage (to do it right)?

I have found that the biggest difference in a person's ability to manage conflicts in their own life stems from their courage to be honest. But, there is more than one way to be honest.   And most people do not choose the path that benefits both the person sharing their thoughts and the listener who has to take in the bit of honesty.

Honesty, used for the purpose of managing conflict, is thoughtful, careful, and complete.  It seeks to offer information with the presumption that this information will be enlightening and helpful to the other person. How is this different than what most people do?  Here are a few examples of the wrong kind of honesty and why it doesn't work: 
 

Being “brutally” honest – We’ve all experienced this one.  The words sting and we often don’t know what prompted them.  Brutal honesty suggests that one needs to injure the other person to bring about change.  While the receiver may get the correct message (they also may not), they also get with it a very negative association with the speaker and those who they believe may have influenced the speaker.  This impacts the likelihood and the type of change you will see.

Rambling or telling stories – Often in our desire to be gentle in our delivery, we muddle the information burying it with examples, stories, or our own insecurities.  Honesty takes courage.  Without it, the listener may fail to focus on exactly what you are sharing.  They are left to guess at the point of conversation.  Worst case scenario?  The person sharing may think his/her point is clear.  As a result, any lack of change may be seen as unwillingness by the recipient to make change, when in reality, s/he simply missed the point. 

Teasing the truth – Many people, out of their own discomfort with sharing difficult information will instead use teasing comments as “feedback” to the other person.  They may think their vocalized observations or sarcastic remarks are giving the other person a clear picture of what is wrong and what to change, but this rarely works.  Unfortunately, this option creates a combination of the problems noted in the two examples above; leaving both parties irritated and frustrated. 

A few pointers on how to do it better:

1. Be Kind – It’s hard to hear criticism.
2. Be Direct - Respect that the other person can handle the truth and give it to them.
3. Be Complete – Without story-telling, explain the problem and its impact.   

This is easier than you might think.  Most of the time, when a person is telling me what they wish they could tell the other person, they have in fact just done all those things.  So what makes it so hard to do with the real intended recipient?  I think it is our fear of having the conversation, coupled with our belief that the other person is knowingly or intentionally behaving in a way that upsets us.  In other words, we expect resistance or perhaps a fight.

So let me add a final pointer:

4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt – Believe that they don’t know, but do care about what you are about to tell them.

Honesty is such a beautiful tool in managing conflict and our relationships as a whole.  It’s something we all must learn to do well.

Now What? Responding to the Inappropriate Quesiton

Shock.  Horror.  Disbelief.  These are all reactions we might have when asked an inappropriate or uncomfortable question.  Questions like, “How much money did you spend on your last vacation?”, “What brought on that sudden weight change?” or “Is that your natural hair color?” In a workplace or interview setting the questions might instead be, “What was your severance package?” or “Describe your last boss’ biggest flaw.” 

Questions like these are not just inappropriate, they are intrusive.  They attempt a level of closeness or intimacy that is undesired and unwarranted.  They ask us to reveal things about ourselves or our life that we may not want to reveal.  And, they allude to a pending judgment based on our response. 

Very often, these inappropriate questions leave us speechless and unsure of how to respond.  Do we answer the question?  Reprimand the person asking?  Say nothing and let the question hang?  Most often our goal is simply to bring the conversation back onto neutral ground gracefully and tactfully.  Below are some guidelines and some suggestions of how to do just that.

1.      Take a deep breath.  This sounds simple, but it serves several purposes.  It helps keep you calm, it provides you with a few extra moments to decide how to respond, and finally, it gives the asker reason to reconsider what they’ve just asked – potentially leading to a retraction or apology for the question itself.

2.      Respond with grace and tact.  We’ve all heard the adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  The same is true here.  Shaming the person who’s asking, or otherwise putting them down will only serve to make the moment more uncomfortable.  Instead, let them save face by not drawing added attention to the question, but rather redirecting it to a more appropriate one.

3.      Use humor.  This may mean a light chuckle at the question, or a friendly but teasing reply of “You didn’t really just ask me that?”

4.      Be honest.  It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable answering that question.”

5.      Mirror it.  Ask the question back, changing the focus to how it relates to them.  For example, you can respond to a question about vacation spending with: “Are you looking for affordable vacation spots?”  - This response works regardless of how extravagant your vacation may have been, because it puts the focus on their budget. 

6.      Ask “Why..?”  As inappropriate as a question may seem to you, perhaps the person asking has a valid reason (or thinks they do) for asking it.  Rather than offering an answer, respond with, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you want to know?”  Be sure however, to keep your tone open and inquisitive not irritated or angry.

7.      Silence.  Sometimes, ignoring the question is the best response.  As you do so, try smiling politely, and acknowledging the other person with a moment of direct eye contact.  This has the impact of saying “I’m not comfortable” without actually stating it.

As you choose your best response, it’s wise to consider your relationship to the person.  Is this a friend, relative, acquaintance, or an interviewer for a job?  Has this person asked you inappropriate questions in the past?  Your relationship and experience with them should play an important guide in determining your response.  If it’s an interviewer for a job you may choose to ask why or to be honest about your discomfort.  If it’s an acquaintance you may choose humor or silence.  And if it’s a person who often pushes your boundaries, mirroring their question or asking why might be your best bet in correcting the behavior now – and in the future.

Managing these difficult or uncomfortable moments, as described, has the added benefit of demonstrating your respect for yourself, and for the other person.  It also creates the opportunity for better relationships and better communication.