The Scary Question You Need to Ask

Miscommunication occurs so often in our lives – and we are seldom even aware of it.  Our spouse makes a sarcastic comment, our friend replies negatively to our request, a family member retorts, “I knew you would be this way.”

In each of these situations we think we have it all figured out.  We assume we know what they’re saying, what they meant, or why they’re rejecting us.  And yet, I can tell you as a conflict resolution professional, who sees, hears, and experiences these situations every day, the truth is we’re usually wrong.  Yes, usually. 

Even with my awareness and expertise, I frequently find myself caught in the same reactive behaviors.  But, I have a very simple tool I use to help me out of that knee jerk belief.  My tool is a question:  “What did you mean by that?”

While I advocate for saying this with a calm voice, even using it with an irritated one is helpful, as it invites communication. 

Take for example the husband who asks his wife “Honey, are you going to eat all of that?” while looking at her plate.  She’s been dieting to lose weight and feels instantly judged and angry.  How could he be so insensitive?!  Despite her urge to shut down, she instead asks, “What did you mean by that?”  He quickly realizes he’s hurt his wife (improved self-awareness for future interactions), and explains, “I thought you wanted to save some of that for your lunch tomorrow.”  Now she feels supported, rather than hurt.  And they both benefit through better understanding the others reactions/intentions in that moment.

Imagine the possibilities.  If you’re presumption is wrong, it gets corrected immediately and you feel better as in the example above.  If you’re deduction is correct, it still invites discussion - possibly allowing for you to clear the air on a misunderstanding the other holds about you.  Moreover, the question leaves room for you to teach the other person a better way of communicating with you, so that these misunderstandings occur less often.

We operate in fear of these seemingly confrontational discussions, and yet they are liberating.  They heal our relationships as they allow for shared understanding to take place.  They bring depth back to our often surface-level conversations, and make deeper connections with others possible.  They help us to be humble and aware, caring and concerned.

So go ahead, use my tool.  Ask the scary question, “What did you mean by that?”  And be ready to improve your relationships!

Facing the Truth

Facebook, as many of us know, is both a blessing and a curse.  It lets us keep up with friends and loved ones; reconnect with old friends, past flames, and contacts in distant locations; and practically relive our High School and College years.  However, there are large challenges built into that freedom to connect.

One of the most prominent challenges we face is connected with handling the information we can now retrieve.  We voyeuristically examine the actions and updates of those we care about – we see who they spend time with, and what they’ve been doing.  Those dating and in relationships may examine Facebook updates and posts to assess the honestly or loyalty of their companions.  Parents who enjoy this often permitted ability to check-in with their kids are now learning about their child’s friends, romances, and activities online.  In both situations information is achieved through a level of spying not through honest sharing.  And as a result, we’re lost in knowing what to do with, or how to handle the information we receive.

A second, but equally important challenge is connected with determining who you “friend” on these social sites.  Do you want business/professional associates as Facebook friends?  Have you over-connected to those from your past and now you’d like to scale-back those relations?  Do you want to limit the access of your companions or relatives because of the issues noted in the previous paragraph? 

 

And a third, common and unfortunate challenge is that many use this site for a type of escapism.  Some of us find ourselves spending hours posting and perusing updates, playing games, and wasting time that might better be spent enhancing relationships with friends and loved ones who are physically available and in need of our attention.

Fundamental to all of these issues is the need to set boundaries. 

Know what you want – and why you want it.  Do you need and enjoy a few minutes of escapism?  Recognize that for what it is.  You aren’t working, so this is “play” time or “me” time.  Much like watching TV, Facebook fills our desire to escape.  If you’re spending a lot of time in this arena, chances are you’re avoiding dealing with something, or someone.  Be aware of the choice you are making.  

It’s also important to know what you want when it comes to determining who can be your friend.  Perhaps your boundary is to only accept close friends and non-business associates on Facebook.  LinkedIn might be the site you use for business social-networking.  New platforms on Facebook, and sites like Google + that allow you to segregate contacts into “circles” might also be helpful in organizing your connections.   

Finally, the same holds true for those who are virtual spies.  Know what you want to do with that information.  Are you making sure your kids are safe?  Then that is what you can use Facebook for – ensuring their safety.  Not for determining who they choose as a friend unless there is a clear line connecting those two issues. 

Are you verifying your ex-boyfriend hasn’t jilted you for a past love?  Then verification is what you are allowed – not access to confronting him with what you know.  Either you learn that he was trustworthy – or that he wasn’t.  Either way your relationship didn’t work out and Facebook isn’t the way to change that.

Learn their boundaries – and respect them.  How does your family (or your boss!) feel about the time you spend on social networking sites?  

When it comes to who you connect with – keep in mind your children may have “friended” you because they felt pressured to do so, or were worried they’d hurt you by refusing.  Your new love may have wanted to demonstrate their growing interest in you, but may not be ready to announce you’re involvement with one another via a publicly pronounced change in “relationship status”.

Ask questions to determine what their boundaries are with letting you see deeper into their world.

Set your own boundaries ­­- and be clear about them.  That may mean limiting who you friend or on what site (Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.)  you “friend” them.   It may mean sharing your comfort level with your social-networking friends regarding what sort of information or photos you’re comfortable with them posting about you.  It may also mean setting boundaries for yourself regarding how much “play” time you spend on social networking. 

All of these skills in setting boundaries require a degree of self-exploration along with the ability to have honest communication with those in your life.  For more suggestions and advice on that, please feel free to peruse our other articles on that subject.  To enhance your skills through communication training, please contact me at Candice@MediatingSolutions.com

Need a Conflict Resolution Quick Fix? Say Please.

In my work with organizations I frequently hear employees echo the same complaint about their co-workers, supervisors, and even underlings.  The complaint?  A lack of courtesy. 

“Please keep me up to date on that.”  “Thank you for completing that project on time.”  And, of course, “You’re welcome.”  Why are these basic courtesies missing?  Haven’t our parents/caregivers instilled these basic manners into us?  Have we really become demanding and rude while at work?  My thought is that we have not become thoughtless - but we are in a constant hurry.  We don’t mean to treat others in a manner that offends or upsets them; we just simply get caught up in getting the work done.  No, the added word or two doesn’t take up much time.  But, to demonstrate the genuine courtesy that goes with those words does requires us to slow down in a more complete way.  It means we need to look the other person in the eye and to connect with them on some level.

So while the complaint may be a lack of courtesy, the reality is that there is a lack of a connection between those who work together.  And as that connection erodes or fails to be established, problems arise.  Problems which can lead to misunderstandings and interpersonal conflict, and which likewise lead to lowered morale, diminished productivity and higher turnover.

On the flip side - imagine the impact of slowing down and connecting with your co-workers, subordinates or supervisor.  Such behavior is likely to build a lot of good will and positive vibes.  Why?  Connecting allows us to develop a better understanding of one another, which in turn yields better interpersonal relationships.  People who have a positive connection to their co-workers typically are happier, work harder and are more loyal and productive employees.   Why does this matter?  As multiple studies reflect, there is a strong correlation between employee happiness and productivity.  By changing the mood of your employees – you’re likely to change the company’s ability to succeed.

So if you’re looking for a quick conflict resolution fix, slow down, look your co-worker in the eye and say “please”.

Feeling Overstressed? Try a mini-vacation

Whether it’s the pressures of work, the demands of our personal lives, a sudden crisis, or the on-going and chronic problems we must work through, most of us feel stressed and tense on a regular basis.  What we need is a vacation; A break from it all.  Unfortunately a true vacation is often not practical or possible.  And, it often provides only a temporary fix before the stressors return.

My solution to this is the mini-vacation.  A special break that can be enjoyed in just a few minutes – often all that we can spare.  Better yet, the mini-vacation is easily cost-free.  The important part is that it is scheduled – like a vacation, and is undisturbed “you” time.
  

Following are some ideas for having a mini-vacation.  This list is far from exhaustive, so please be creative and think up your own!

1.       Stare out the window.  Maybe you have a nice view of the City, a Lake or Ocean.  Look at the grand scene, or take note of the trees blowing in the wind.  Enjoy the quiet of this moment.

2.       Give yourself a hand massage.  Get some lotion with a fragrance you enjoy, take off any jewelry that would interfere and give yourself a slow nourishing massage of the fingers, wrists, and thumbs.

3.       Listen to some music.  Ideally, be able to do this with your eyes closed.  Hear the music without distraction.  Enjoy the melody, lyrics, or beat of the music.

4.       Stretch.  Stand up and stretch your back, your shoulders and neck.  Do a few yoga poses.  If you like, incorporate music into this moment.

5.       Read a book or article.  This is pleasure relaxation reading – the kind you wish you had time to do.  Allow yourself to escape into the characters and to read without interruption.

6.       Take a walk.  Getting outside to feel the sun, the wind, even the rain, can be refreshing and invigorating.
 

7.       Call a friend – If you feel socially isolated, and this is your biggest desire, this may be your ideal mini-vacation.  Be sure to limit your calls to people who inspire you and make you feel good.

8.       Daydream – Imagine being someplace where you are relaxed and happy.  Visualize it.  Hear the sounds that would surround you.  Make the day-dream as real as possible by combining it with music or a photograph if that helps you to escape into the moment.

9.       Write a letter – Perhaps you wish you had more time to correspond with others.   Write a letter to an old friend or loved one.

10.   Look at old pictures – Do you have an online photo account through Shutterfly, Flickr or SmugMug?  Revisiting happy memories of other “real” vacations and seeing images of your friends, children, or pets can revitalize and bring a smile to your face.

By putting your mind and body in a happy zone, even if only for a few minutes, you are giving yourself a much needed vacation from the rest of the stress that surrounds you.  So go on, schedule your mini-vacations, you deserve it.

Stop Workplace Violence - Abandon the "Wait and See" Approach

In mid-February a shooting broke out in Long Beach, California between two high ranking ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) agents during a performance review.  A month earlier, an employee of McBride Lumber in North Carolina shot four of his co-workers, killing three of them, before killing himself.

Workplace violence of this sort makes headlines because it is rare and because it is shocking.  But the issues which lead to such outward demonstrations of hostility are not rare.  These acts of violence are not random.  While they may not always be pre- meditated, they are brought about by a history of tensions and anger between specific individuals in the workplace. 

One-time events do not create this volatility.  Single incidents may upset or confuse, but they don’t trigger a drastic response.  It is the historical repetition of events – be it bullying, intimidation, refusal to cooperate, or other unfair, unkind behaviors – which leads to these reactive measures.  The problem is, if we focus on the violence, we are looking for solutions in the wrong places.

As a conflict resolution and management expert, I see the commonality of the behaviors which lead to workplace shootings.  Thankfully, the vast majority of people never engage in such violent measures, regardless of the abuse they were suffering.  Instead, their reactions more likely lead to employee turnover, increased absenteeism, theft, harassment claims, and EEOC complaints.  These circumstances occur in most workplace settings, and even occur in other teamwork environments.  A timely example can be found with the UCLA Basketball Team.  A failure to discipline or force accountability lead to key players transferring schools, and caused a winning team to become a struggling one.

Most, if not all of this is preventable.  It begins with staff having a trusted place to bring their concerns.  They must believe that by bringing their concerns forward, they will get help.  There must also be a firm resolution, by leaders and managers, to bring swift, decisive intervention when problems perpetuate.  Conflict management readiness is, for this reason, vital to all businesses.  Staff must learn skills in conflict communication.  Human Resources, leaders and managers must have skills for addressing workplace problems in a way that empowers, rather than punishes, staff whenever possible.  And formal conflict resolution, such as mediation, must be engaged at the earliest possible time if other efforts fail to yield the desired results.

If you have questions about how to address these issues, or want to discuss the concerns of your workplace, please contact us for a free consultation.

That Internal Argument

Do you find yourself engaging in internal arguments?  The kind that runs through your head as you’re trying to relax or interrupts what might otherwise be mental quiet time?  With January being a time for resolutions – perhaps one healthy resolution to consider is letting go of those unhealthy internal conversations.  

While these battles in our mind may serve a purpose - by helping us to think things through or by providing an outlet for our frustrations - they often do so at a cost.  Such arguments often signal our inability to move past a problem or conflict.  And, as the conflict repeats in your head, lingers, and remains unresolved, it actually damages the relationship you were most likely hoping to preserve.

The alternative - bringing up the conversation with that person whom you are arguing - sounds daunting, but it doesn’t have to be.  Here are 5 steps to making that conversation safe and productive.

1.      Forewarn – Tell the person (you’re in mental conflict with) that you need to talk about a past issue that’s been playing on your mind.  Let them know this a conversation to bring about a better understanding – not to find fault.  At this point, don’t elaborate on any details.  If the timing isn’t appropriate, make a plan for when you will both have time to talk. 

2.      Agree on Basic Rules – Set simple rules by starting on one’s they will like to hear.  For example, no blaming.  Other good rules to follow are: no interrupting, ask questions only when the other is done speaking, and stay on the subject (avoid bringing up other issues). 

3.      Take Responsibility – Explain the issue and why it is important to you that it be discussed.  Remember they may not have thought about it at all.  It may be helpful to explain your feelings (eg: frustrated, misunderstood, angry) as a way to demonstrate the importance of the discussion, but be careful not to use this as a way to place blame.

4.      Share Points of View – At this point it is appropriate to dive into the details of the issue, but remember most of what you will need to discuss is not facts, but your perspective.  Take the time to share the nuances of why the situation upset or hurt you – and why it continues to sit with you.  Have this become a discussion where they also share their thoughts and point of view.

5.      Determine Outcomes – As you listen to each other’s perspective, you will work toward developing a shared understanding of what happened, and what if anything, should be handled differently in the future.  Discuss these until you are both comfortable that you have reached a new understanding.  Close the conversation by thanking the other person for being open to the discussion, for listening, and for helping you to clear your mind of the situation.

Office Politics

Office politics may be something we all talk about – but in an election year, the expression takes on a whole new meaning.  As a behavior brought about by those who seek power and influence, consider the potential for staff in your organization to desire the power and influence to see their party or candidate take office come Election Day.  

Hot-button issues like the economy, unemployment, and healthcare are hitting-home and leading people to become more opinionated and more entrenched in their beliefs.  Friendly conversation about current events can quickly turn into heated debate.  Repeat interactions may lead some to feel pushed, challenged, or bullied.  It is these office politics that threaten to derail your business as they undermine morale, hinder teamwork, damage productivity, and may also lead to more troubling (and potentially litigious) behaviors – all of which are sure to linger beyond Election Day.

The best strategy for keeping these office politics at bay is to get in front of them and plan ahead.  

Steps to Take

1 – Review your company policy on social or political behavior.  This may also overlap with policies on diversity.  Are there policies addressing the use the display or demonstration of affiliations, etc.?

2 – Determine what will be acceptable company behavior.  Some thoughts to consider:

• If friendly debate/conversation is allowed, is it limited to lunch and break rooms?
• Can a person post their affiliation in their office/cubicle?
• Is staff allowed to congregate or campaign on company grounds?
• How does title/role play a part in determining what a person can/cannot say?

3 – Consult with your company attorney.  While 1^st Amendment Rights were created to establish political freedom, the workplace is not public property and therefore is not the appropriate forum for enacting those rights.  

4 – Talk with your staff.  Be sure all staff know the position of the company regarding these behaviors, and how they may address any concerns which still arise.  Be clear about rules and consequences.

5 – Be Consistent.  Nothing is more troubling or will lead to more discord than allowing some individuals to express their beliefs freely while others are held accountable.  This is especially true if the rules seem to favor a certain individual, a particular rank within the company, or a given political party.